Bertie McBoatface Posted November 18, 2021 Share Posted November 18, 2021 Johnny says to his mother, "I want to be a drummer when I grow up." Now, Johnny," she replies, "you know you can't do both." 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Ian- Posted November 19, 2021 Share Posted November 19, 2021 What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 19, 2021 Share Posted November 19, 2021 4 hours ago, -Ian- said: What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool. Did you hear about the drummer who was so stupid that even the other drummers noticed? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fnick Posted November 20, 2021 Share Posted November 20, 2021 What's the definition of agony? A one arm man hanging from a cliff with a itchy bottom 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 21, 2021 Share Posted November 21, 2021 Feeling hungry for a laugh? Read on... What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. What kind of socks do you need to plant asparagus? Garden hose. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admiral Puff Posted November 21, 2021 Share Posted November 21, 2021 What's yellow and dangerous? Shark-infested custard 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David M Posted November 21, 2021 Share Posted November 21, 2021 What is small, yellow, hairy and lives on dead beatles? Yoko Ono 2 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted November 22, 2021 Share Posted November 22, 2021 A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare. Simon. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 22, 2021 Share Posted November 22, 2021 My dog insurance policy says that they will pay for me to advertise in the local papers if she ever gets lost. What's the good of that - she doesn't read the papers! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 22, 2021 Share Posted November 22, 2021 I may be getting on a bit but I have the body of a twenty year old. A twenty year old Fiat! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 22, 2021 Share Posted November 22, 2021 I may be getting on a bit but I have the body of a twenty year old. I keep it in the freezer. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 22, 2021 Share Posted November 22, 2021 A bloke went to a barber's shop and asked for a David Beckham cut. Half an hour later his hair was a complete mess, all tufty and sticking out all over. "That's not how David Beckham has his hair cut!" he said. "It would be if he came here." said the barber 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Ian- Posted November 26, 2021 Share Posted November 26, 2021 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted December 3, 2021 Share Posted December 3, 2021 Just had the strangest accident putting up the Christmas decorations. I broke one of them and managed to get some lodged in the back of my throat, and now my voice is all hoarse. "Don't worry," the doctor told me, "it'll be gone by the sixth of January." "How d'you know that?" I asked. "It's tinsellitis." 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silenoz Posted December 3, 2021 Share Posted December 3, 2021 On 11/22/2021 at 8:18 PM, Bertie Psmith said: A bloke went to a barber's shop and asked for a David Beckham cut. Half an hour later his hair was a complete mess, all tufty and sticking out all over. "That's not how David Beckham has his hair cut!" he said. "It would be if he came here." said the barber Did he visit Boris Johnson's hairdresser? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
593jones Posted December 3, 2021 Share Posted December 3, 2021 12 minutes ago, Silenoz said: Did he visit Boris Johnson's hairdresser? Boris Johnson has a hairdresser??? 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Ian- Posted December 3, 2021 Share Posted December 3, 2021 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather Kay Posted December 3, 2021 Share Posted December 3, 2021 A delivery driver just asked me the time. I said it was between 1pm and 6pm. 1 17 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted December 8, 2021 Share Posted December 8, 2021 On 12/3/2021 at 1:54 PM, 593jones said: Boris Johnson has a hairdresser??? 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vince1159 Posted December 8, 2021 Share Posted December 8, 2021 Do you really have to compare Stevie Wonder to a politician... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted December 9, 2021 Share Posted December 9, 2021 A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'! There's no paper on this side either!" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted December 9, 2021 Share Posted December 9, 2021 A man is angry because he has it in his head that someone stole his wallet. He walks into a church to steal someone else's wallet, but he has a change of heart during the service. He confesses to the priest afterwards about what his intentions had initially been. The priest asks, "What made you change your mind?" The man says, "In your sermon on the Ten Commandments when you got to 'Thou shall not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left my wallet!" 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tijuana Taxi Posted December 13, 2021 Share Posted December 13, 2021 Saw Mr Johnson sat behind a table last night on TV when I switched channels. I shouted out to the wife, quick get a pen and paper, I think we are going to have a quiz. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted December 13, 2021 Share Posted December 13, 2021 56 minutes ago, Tijuana Taxi said: Saw Mr Johnson sat behind a table last night on TV when I switched channels. I shouted out to the wife, quick get a pen and paper, I think we are going to have a quiz. INCOMING!!! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted December 15, 2021 Share Posted December 15, 2021 Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?" The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!" 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts