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Short CLEAN Jokes IV -Just when you thought it couldn't get any worser


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On 8/23/2020 at 12:39 PM, Silenoz said:

My kids want a cat for Christmas...

 

Normally we do Turkey, but if it makes them happy...

But think about it - all four of you can get a leg!

On 8/23/2020 at 7:58 PM, Pete in Lincs said:

If so, You are not alone. Moving on....

When I die I want to be buried with my old record collection. It'll be my vinyl resting place. 

Records not having been invented when he was alive, Beethoven was buried with all his manuscripts. A few days later the sound of paper being ripped up could be heard coming from his grave. People were told not to worry; it was just him decomposing.

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My wife really impressed staff when she used French phrases & adhered to French etiquetts at the Bouchon restaurant.

 

Yet when I squinted my eyes and said “Me want bowl of flied lice” at the Chinese restaurant, they took the prawn cracker basket off my head and told me to leave.

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Mary had a little lamb

The doctor was surprised

When Old MacDonald had a farm 

He couldn't believe his eyes

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Mary had a little lamb

Its fleece as black as soot

And everywhere the little lamb went 
Its sooty footy put

 

I'll stop now

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We've been down this road before ...

 

Mary had a little lamb. And that, if Your Honour pleases, is the case for the prosecution.

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My girlfriend is not speaking to me. Just because I wouldn't open the car door for her. I suppose I just panicked and swam straight to the surface.

 

Cheers,

 

Nigel

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I had a go at making a wedding cake.

Though I knew it would end in tiers.

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oh... ok then.. 


Mary had a little lamb

Its fleece was dark as charcoal 

and every time it jumped a fence 

a spark cane out of its a... hole! 

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So, after several weeks of pleasuring the wife whenever she demanded it, I have now realised that 'Eat Out to Help Out' is not quite what she'd told me it was...

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My doctor says I'm a hypochondriac.  Well, I'm not surprised - after all, I've had everything else.

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Marks and Spencer are advertising a 'Bra fitting event' in my local store. When I asked the security guard what time it started so I could get a seat at the front he threw me out and told me not to come back.

 

No wonder sales are plummeting if that’s their attitude.

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I can’t claim this one as my own, however I heard it from a local Comedian the other day... 

 

So Bono and The Edge walk into a pub and the chap behind the counter says.. “Oh, not you two again”! 

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The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year-old son in the flat was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off'

'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!'

'Jason has had his skate board taken off him!'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'

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Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband, "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am"?

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied, "Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; your eyes, 16 and your figure, 25."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying, "Whoa, hold on there sweetie! I haven't added them up yet!"

 

Simon.

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I had an argument with an employee who is totally into the modern woke culture thing. She absolutely insisted that saying 2+2=4 is "patriarchal", and that these days 2+2=3 can also be correct.

 

So it surprised me she was unhappy when, in her packet for two pay periods of £2,000 each, I only gave her £3,000.

Edited by Truro Model Builder
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A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .

 

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

 

"Just water," says the priest.

 

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest crossed himself and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

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  • Mike changed the title to Short CLEAN Jokes IV -Just when you thought it couldn't get any worser

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