Jump to content

Short CLEAN Jokes IV -Just when you thought it couldn't get any worser


Truro Model Builder

Recommended Posts

On 9/18/2021 at 8:55 AM, jenko said:

Covid 19 update.....................

 

 

Never in my wildest dreams did I think my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth. 

 

Dick 

I still haven't got over the fact that they wouldn't let me into my local bank branch without wearing a mask!

 

Selwyn

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
  • Haha 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr.Rustom about enlarging her breasts.

Dr Rustom advised her 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,

'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months!

To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she

stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. 'Rustom 's?'

'Yes I am.. How did you know?'

He winked and replied, "Hickory dickory dock...."

 

 

Simon.

  • Haha 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 9/23/2021 at 1:34 PM, Spookytooth said:

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr.Rustom about enlarging her breasts.

Dr Rustom advised her 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,

'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months!

To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she

stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. 'Rustom 's?'

'Yes I am.. How did you know?'

He winked and replied, "Hickory dickory dock...."

 

 

Simon.

A flat chested lady started nagging her husband about getting a breast enlargement.

He pointed out that the breast enlargement procedures cost a lot and that was money they did not have.

So he said;

"What about trying an alternative to surgery?"

"Like what?" says his wife.

"Well you could try the toilet tissue method."

"Whats that?"

"Its dead easy, every morning you go into the bathroom and take a handful of toilet tissue and rub it between your breasts."

"And that will make my breasts larger?"

"Well it certainly worked on your backside!"

 

Selwyn

 

 

  • Haha 9
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked: "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?"

The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."

 

 

 

Simon.

  • Haha 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Friends, do not be indifferent, help!
 This is a cute animal

FASln-QIXMAESlb-K.jpg

 looking for a loving family.
 Puppy (as Lieutenant Ripley called her) is friendly and calm.  In a short time, she learned several commands, such as: sit, give a paw and fetch.
 Let's help Puppy

find new owners!  Repost!

 

B.R.

Serge

 

P.S.

Friends, yous need to hurry, because these cute animals are eaten

E7c-X-6-MXs-AIFk-Mn.jpgE7c-In-CJXIAEu6-B7.jpgE7c-In-Yp-X0-AAdui.jpg

in criminal restaurants😭 make them stuffed:

http://scalemodels.ru/articles/15234-3d-pechat-1-16-ksenomorf.html

!!!😲😢

 

The posting was prepared with the assistance of the Association "Protection and safety of Xenomorph from human violence"!

😁

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, stevehnz said:

This one? 

Brilliant. That's the one Steve. The only thing that surprises me about that cartoon is that Grandma isn't in it somewhere. And looking at that date, I got it wrong about it being Suez. Don't know what caused those queues.

 

John.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A man walks into a butcher's shop and says "I'd like a barn owl please"

The butcher exclaims "A barn owl? You can't buy barn owls! Especially not to eat - it's illegal to buy birds of prey to eat!!!!"

"Oh dear" answers the man, "I didn't realise that, I ate one last week that I shot by mistake and it was rather tasty...."

The butcher replied "Well, I can sell you pheasant or grouse, if you like - that might be similar...what did the barn owl taste like?"

"Well" said the man, "sort of a cross between a Golden Eagle and a swan...."

 

 

Simon

  • Haha 11
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You can't beat Giles, I think I'm around 10 copies short of the complete collection!

 

There's so much going on in the cartoon, beyond the joke itself, it's not just a case of reading the punchline!

 

As for Grandma, her parrot was also a regularly hidden within the Giles house!

 

Also a lover of the Andy Capp cartoons.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 10/2/2021 at 7:37 PM, JohnT said:

Shades of Mad Max. 

 

What is actually sad is that not one of those motorists noticed that they were following a cement bulkie, which doesn't look at all like a fuel tanker. There's all sorts of hazardous goods warning signs on a fuel tanker, for a start, not to mention prominent branding.

 

Desperation, ignorance, or lack of observational skills? 

 

Also, an explanation of the Giles cartoon (shouldn't need to log in/have an account to view the page) 

 

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=4296869863699758&id=279164765470308&__tn__=*W-R

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

21 hours ago, Tony C said:

Also a lover of the Andy Capp cartoons.

My favourite Andy Capp cartoon;

Andy. "Where's me pencil?"

Flo. "It's behind your ear".

Andy. "Stop mucking about  woman! Which ear?"

 

John.

  • Haha 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Giles was a local, with his studio in Ipswich, (there is a bronze statue of Grandma and Vera outside)

He used to frequent a local watering hole on the river, and drive home in his Aston Martin at great speed up the country lanes.

An original sketch adorns the wall of this pub, depicting a typical sunny Bank Holiday when everyone and his dog are trying to enjoy a day's boating, from the weekend Gin Palace owner to the Sea Scouts. It's brilliant.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On hearing that her Grandfather had died, a young woman rushed round to her Grandparents house, to find her Grandmother distraught and crying her eyes out.

"Oh Gran" said the young woman. What happened?"

"Well"replied her Grandmother. "We were making love when your Grandfather had a heart attack and died".

"But Gran. You're both nearly 90 years of age. Isn't that sort of thing a bit too strenuous for you?"

"No, no, it was always fine. What we used to do is listen to the slow chiming of the church bell, and make love at that tempo, and he'd have still been alive now if it hadn't been for that damned ice cream van going by".

  • Thanks 1
  • Haha 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Two ninety year olds go to their doctor. On asking why they had come to see him the chap said “well doc is like this. The missus and I aren’t getting any pleasure making love anymore”. A bit taken aback the doctor ask “when did you discover this?”  “ three times last night and twice this morning.”they say

  • Haha 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

18 hours ago, Rob G said:

What is actually sad is that not one of those motorists noticed that they were following a cement bulkie, which doesn't look at all like a fuel tanker.

I'm not convinced this is anything other than a 'new' internet myth after all no evidence (video or photo) has been provided, 15 mins of fame anyone?

 

 

Man rings the doctor to cancel his appointment, receptionist asks the reason. He replies he's been having trouble passing water recently & can't get out, how long has this been going on she asks. Since the bridge collapsed last Friday.

  • Haha 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, Bullbasket said:

My favourite Andy Capp cartoon;

Andy. "Where's me pencil?"

Flo. "It's behind your ear".

Andy. "Stop mucking about  woman! Which ear?"

 

John.

 

My favourite:

 

Flo: It says in the paper the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh won't be going to the cup final.

Andy: I wonder what they're doing with their tickets?

  • Haha 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...