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Short CLEAN Jokes IV -Just when you thought it couldn't get any worser


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Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered  to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.

 

It was an  ether / oar situation.

 

Dick

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Morty and Selma, an elderly couple, were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?”

Selma, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

Morty yelled, “He says you were speeding!”

The patrolman said, “May I see your license?”

Selma turned to her husband once again and asked, “What did he say?

”Morty yelled, “He wants to see your license!”

Selma gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, “I see you are from New York. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the most annoying woman I’ve ever met.”

Selma turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

Morty yells, “He said he thinks he knows you!”

 

Simon.

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A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help."

"Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..."

 

 

Simon.

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4 hours ago, Dave Swindell said:

Want to hear some of my Chimney jokes?

I've got a stack of them!

First one's on the house......

 

That flue straight over my head.

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Two English butchers, who hated each other, were doing business across the street from each other for ten years. For the full ten years they always competed for the other's business.

One butcher would put up a sign reading, "Sirloin: £2.50 a pound" and the other would put up a sign "Sirloin: £2 a pound." The first would put up a sign reading, "Whole pork loin: £1.85 a pound" and the second would, again, under-price him.

This went on for the full ten years; back and forth, back and forth. One day the first butcher got a bright idea. Instead of advertising his prices he placed a professionally painted sign reading, "The Queen buys all her meats here."

The next day another professionally painted sign appeared in the window of the butcher shop across the street which read, "God save the Queen."

 

 

Simon.

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Covid 19 update.....................

 

 

Never in my wildest dreams did I think my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth. 

 

Dick 

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I don't know much about cars so am always worried I'll get conned when I take it to my local garage.

 

You can imagine my relief when I was told the only thing it needed was indicator fluid.

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1 hour ago, bentwaters81tfw said:

^ Don't you just hate it when that happens? You would think German manufacturers would fit bigger reservoirs.

I think ones on most German cars must have a bad leak.

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