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Short CLEAN Jokes IV -Just when you thought it couldn't get any worser


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1 hour ago, Bertie Psmith said:

Why is getting up at six in the morning like a pig's tail?

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's twirly. 

 

(too early) Better heard than read!

Where's the *GROAN* emoji when you need it? :)

 

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12 hours ago, CliffB said:

A pastor, a priest and a rabbit walked into a blood donor clinic.

The nurse asked them if they happened to know their blood types?

"I think I might be a Type O" said the rabbit.

That's a cracker! My two second delay before getting the point was as funny as the joke.

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I asked my vicar, "What is life?"

 

He said, "It's anything that dies when you stamp on it hard enough."

 

 

 

Edited by Bertie Psmith
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Know a bloke who is in love with two women.
One writes beautiful poetry and the other makes the best Yorkshire puddings he has ever tasted.
He can't decide if he should marry for batter or for verse?

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2 hours ago, -Ian- said:

I went drinking with the Beach Boys at the weekend, it was alright until I asked who's round it was.


That reminds me of the terrible time I had nightclubbing with the Scissor Sisters - they just didn’t feel like dancing. 

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Just 'phoned the insurance company to cover the pets for vets fees the cat & dog are now insured but the fish aren't. Turns out they don't do multi-carp insurance.

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A fox gets on an aeroplane with two dead rabbits for it's lunch.

The stewardess says, "Sorry sir, only one item of carrion per passenger."

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A woman boards a bus in Liverpool.

"Is this one goin' to Speke?" she asks the driver.

"Shouldn't think so, love - I've been drivin' it all mornin' and it's not said a word."

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My Doctor said I had anaemia and needed more iron.

I'm on a diet of prestressed steel.

It's really put a spring in my step.

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4 hours ago, pigsty said:

A woman boards a bus in Liverpool.

"Is this one goin' to Speke?" she asks the driver.

"Shouldn't think so, love - I've been drivin' it all mornin' and it's not said a word."

A woman at Clapham Junction about to board a train, she ask the guard "Victoria?", to which he answers  "Only at the weekend madam, today I'm Nigel"

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9 hours ago, pigsty said:

A woman boards a bus in Liverpool.

"Is this one goin' to Speke?" she asks the driver.

"Shouldn't think so, love - I've been drivin' it all mornin' and it's not said a word."

 

That one dates from the days when buses were horse drawn!!

 

And from half a Century later when buses had conductors and standing passengers would fill the aisle.... (yes I remember it well) -

 

The conductor shouts, "Move farther down the bus".

 

A small boy responds with, "Thats not Father, its Uncle."

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2 hours ago, 2996 Victor said:

I have an irrational phobia of German sausage.

I don't know why, but whatever happens I always fear the wurst.

The wurst is yet to come.😈

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On 01/08/2021 at 16:48, RAF4EVER said:

The wurst is yet to come.😈

Are sausages made from piglets Bratwurst?

 

VW make more Currywurst each day than cars. Don't ask 'cause I don't know if they pass the emissions test

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A bloke orders a pizza and the waiter asks if he wants it cut into six slices or twelve. "Make it six" he replies "I could never eat twelve slices."

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The next day he walked into the chippie and shouted "Fish and chips twice!"

The bloke behind the counter said "Alright mate, I heard you the first time!"

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I ordered Chinese locally (won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving back home heard the bags rustling and moving. I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out. I was driving at the time so I pulled over I leaned forward, picked the bag up, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again! More rustling and little eyes looking out behind the ginger beef! I thought it's got to be a rat or mouse or something so I carefully pulled the bag down....And there it was A PEEKING DUCK!!!!

 

 

Simon.

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And ladies, 

 

How do you know when you're half way through dinner date with a pilot?

 

He says, "Enough about flying, lets talk about me"

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