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Short CLEAN Jokes IV -Just when you thought it couldn't get any worser


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I was out for a walk in the countryside when a sheep ran past me.  Then another, then another ... then a man came racing up, all red in the face, holding a stick.

"Did you see any sheep come this way?" he asked.

"Yes," I said, "they went over there."

"Oh god," he replied, "they've all got out!  Ninety-eight of 'em!  I'm in so much trouble ... any chance you could help me round them up?"

"Sure," I said.  "A hundred."

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As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork."

 

Simon.

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I asked my boss for a pay rise today.

 

I said, "I've got three other companies after me."

 

He said, "Oh yes, who are they then?"

 

I replied, "Gas, electricity and water."

 

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Did you get lucky?

 

I tried it on another way...

 

I pointed him to my new resposabilities. He looked very surprised at first, till I replied that it seemed I was responsible for everything going wrong...

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On 14/08/2020 at 10:56, Spookytooth said:

I had my leg X-rayed today.

The doctor told me: "Your patella measures 2.54cm."

In surprise, I said: "Inch high knees?"

The doctor replied: "你的髕骨尺寸為2.54厘米"

 

 

He measured your ni, hao?

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I like history and when I'm visiting a new town or city I like to look at places where famous people were born or lived.

 

I once went to the house of the person who invented toothpaste but there was no plaque outside.

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I watched a street entertainer in town today who managed to contort his whole body into a small suitcase.

I was so intrigued I asked him if he could teach me how to do it.

He said he will try and squeeze me in tomorrow.

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On 6/25/2021 at 11:44 PM, Kiwidave4 said:

I like history and when I'm visiting a new town or city I like to look at places where famous people were born or lived.

 

I once went to the house of the person who invented toothpaste but there was no plaque outside.

I bet you were in Norfolk. If it had been invented anywhere else it would have been called 'teethpaste'.

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1 hour ago, GordonD said:

I bet you were in Norfolk. If it had been invented anywhere else it would have been called 'teethpaste'.

You know, Norfolk has the lowest crime detection rates anywhere.

The DNA is all the same, and there are no dental records.

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I had to go to the bank this morning.
As I approached the counter, the woman behind the glass suddenly started singing 'Downtown'.
I thought, "That's a peculiar clerk."

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Went to a Cornish/Italian fusion restaurant yesterday.

 

I asked for Antipasti and a Pasty, the waiter gave me an empty plate.

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