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Short CLEAN Jokes IV -Just when you thought it couldn't get any worser


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John Lennon came up with "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds".

Demonstrating once again that he was rubbish at Cluedo.

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Trump. The buttocks.

Trim. The bit around the edge.

Trait. Opposite of t'left.

Tram. Tup.

Train. Inclement weather.

Take. Back pain.

 

John.

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I've been swallowed whole by a Shark. I feel like I'm living in a vacuum.

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Just got in from my morning walk and said to my wife, "I got bitten by a dog when I was passing the shops."

 

She said, "Imagine if that had been a small child."

 

I said, "No problem, I could have fought off a small child"

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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper. The bartender says, “Hey there’s a steering wheel sticking out of your zipper," to which the pirate exclaims “AAAAARRRRRRRGH, it’s driving me nuts!!!"

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  • 2 weeks later...

Part of the Suez Canal is one way. Before entering this section ships Captains must sound their horns.

The signs say:

"Toot and come on"

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A guy walks into a bar. . . ouch!

 

and Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar, the bartender says 'is this some kinda joke?'

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A bloke dressed in wellies, orange overalls, a yellow hard hat with a light on, blacked up face and a canary on his shoulder walked into a pub.

 

The whole pub went silent and everyone stared at him for a few seconds, then carried on with what they were doing.

 

After all, he was just a miner distraction.
 

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A guy out with his wife sees three men assaulting his mother in law

 

'Aren't you going to help'! screamed his wife!

 

Nah, he replied, 'three should be enough'!

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3 hours ago, Ratch said:

Les Dawson lives!

 

Wouldn't it be brilliant if he did, the man was such an icon skirting the edges of sexism and misogyny in a less 'politically correct' world

Edited by Miko
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I've just bought a book about houses with 3 foot high ceilings.

 

It's a book of short storeys. 

Edited by jenko
spelling as always
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Had my six year old grandson staying so thought I would explain the health benefits of dried fruits to him.

 

Its all about raisin awareness.

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I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do for him.

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Wife to husband.

 

"What do you mean ..you've forgotten where you parked the car !!       You're shopping on line !!

 

  

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Posted (edited)

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.

 

She gave me a hug.

Edited by -Ian-
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I swear that my new girlfriend is a witch and has put a spell on  me. We were out for a drive last night, and when she put her hand on my thigh, I turned into a layby.

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My optician has told me to stop trying to look through a colander, it will strain my eyes.

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On 16/03/2021 at 04:50, Kiwidave4 said:

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

 

To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.


True story:-

photographer taking group photo of lawyers attending faculty dinner. Looks up when all assembled for the photo and says “Ready ladies and gentlemen now all together say “Fees””. It worked too. 

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Two wind turbines in a field. One asks the other:

 

"What's your favourite type of music?"

 

The first one responds: 

 

"I'm a really big metal fan."

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5 hours ago, JohnT said:


True story:-

photographer taking group photo of lawyers attending faculty dinner. Looks up when all assembled for the photo and says “Ready ladies and gentlemen now all together say “Fees””. It worked too. 

What? Lawyers with a sense of humour? They'll get struck off ...

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Two wind turbines in a field ...

 

They can fit as many of those big white propellers as they like, they'll never get Cornwall to take off.

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