John_W 2,888 Posted December 21, 2020 Share Posted December 21, 2020 That the old WW2 joke: "Three Germans walked in to a BAR"... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
swralph 1,958 Posted December 21, 2020 Share Posted December 21, 2020 1 hour ago, John_W said: That the old WW2 joke: "Three Germans walked in to a BAR"... I'm gonna have nightmares Link to post Share on other sites
Truro Model Builder 5,402 Posted December 21, 2020 Author Share Posted December 21, 2020 Chris Rea will be saving a lot of petrol this Christmas. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Bullbasket 12,256 Posted December 21, 2020 Share Posted December 21, 2020 A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick." 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Truro Model Builder 5,402 Posted December 21, 2020 Author Share Posted December 21, 2020 It's a regular joke every year that I buy my family their presents on Christmas Eve from the petrol station just around the corner. Â Well, guess what this year... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Spookytooth 11,319 Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close with this comment: "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants." Â Simon. 2 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Kiwidave4 3,490 Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 Does anyone on here know how long it takes for hearing aid repairs? I sent mine away over 2 weeks ago and I haven't heard anything since. 1 13 Link to post Share on other sites
Truro Model Builder 5,402 Posted December 23, 2020 Author Share Posted December 23, 2020 My wife accused me of being stupid. Â "Well, you're no rocket surgeon either!" I snapped back at her. Â 3 Link to post Share on other sites
593jones 1,260 Posted December 23, 2020 Share Posted December 23, 2020 The ideal Christmas gift   7 Link to post Share on other sites
-Ian- 308 Posted December 24, 2020 Share Posted December 24, 2020 The whole of Cornwall has just been moved into tier 4 after hundreds of pirates returned home to Penzance to celebrate Christmas with their families. Â Apparently the aarrrrr rate has increased dramatically. 1 7 Link to post Share on other sites
swralph 1,958 Posted December 24, 2020 Share Posted December 24, 2020 I'm still having trouble with bars. I was shopping with the wife and she said "these cakes are two for one which is a bargain". I fainted...... Â I was fishing with my mates on the river when I hooked into a decent fish,when it came to the surface I saw that it was a Barbel,I panicked and fell in the river. Link to post Share on other sites
swralph 1,958 Posted December 24, 2020 Share Posted December 24, 2020 It's 5 minutes from my house to the pub and 35 minutes back....the difference is staggering. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Kiwidave4 3,490 Posted December 24, 2020 Share Posted December 24, 2020 Now here is a question for the mindreaders out there. 1 8 Link to post Share on other sites
swralph 1,958 Posted December 24, 2020 Share Posted December 24, 2020 Apparently there was a fight in the local coffee shop today....3 drinks were a Costa'd. Link to post Share on other sites
Fatcawthorne 1,171 Posted December 25, 2020 Share Posted December 25, 2020 Best cracker joke yet!!!  If life is throwing Melons at you, then there’s a good chance you have dyslexia!!  Your go......... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stevehnz 11,124 Posted December 25, 2020 Share Posted December 25, 2020 You must have had better quality crackers than our's. What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug. What do you call a penguin in the sahara? Lost. Steve. Link to post Share on other sites
sinnerboy 1,352 Posted December 25, 2020 Share Posted December 25, 2020 4 hours ago, Fatcawthorne said: Best cracker joke yet!!!  If life is throwing Melons at you, then there’s a good chance you have dyslexia!!  Your go......... I had a mate who was dyslexic, we all laughed when he said he was going to take up poetry but so far he's made a nice jug and a couple of bowls 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Fatcawthorne 1,171 Posted December 25, 2020 Share Posted December 25, 2020 1 hour ago, sinnerboy said: I had a mate who was dyslexic, we all laughed when he said he was going to take up poetry but so far he's made a nice jug and a couple of bowls Reminds me of a blonde, dyslexic Essex Girl girlfriend I once had who came home distraught from the doctors one day.  She was upset and crying as she told me that the doctor had said he thought she had tiny tits; took a while to explain, it’s tinnitus love, tinnitus!!!! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Selwyn 2,356 Posted December 26, 2020 Share Posted December 26, 2020 22 hours ago, Fatcawthorne said: Reminds me of a blonde, dyslexic Essex Girl girlfriend I once had who came home distraught from the doctors one day.  She was upset and crying as she told me that the doctor had said he thought she had tiny tits; took a while to explain, it’s tinnitus love, tinnitus!!!! The doctor told me that I had a rare condition that was a combination of dyslexia and amnesia, I would tell you what its called but I can't remember how to spell it!  Selwyn 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Selwyn 2,356 Posted December 26, 2020 Share Posted December 26, 2020 1 minute ago, Selwyn said: The doctor told me that I had a rare condition that was a combination of dyslexia and amnesia, I would tell you what its called but I can't remember how to spell it!  Selwyn Did you here about the dyslexic millionare sex maniac? He was so disappointed when he found out he had purchased a wearhouse!  Selwyn 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ratch 9,246 Posted December 26, 2020 Share Posted December 26, 2020 Didn't you hear it was a warehouse? Link to post Share on other sites
swralph 1,958 Posted December 27, 2020 Share Posted December 27, 2020 How do you make a hormone?. Don't pay her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bullbasket 12,256 Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 My kids are always laughing at me because they say that my memory is failing. Well just wait until next Christmas, when they find that there are no chocolate eggs under the bonfire. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Welkin 182 Posted December 29, 2020 Share Posted December 29, 2020 On 12/25/2020 at 9:00 PM, stevehnz said: What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug. What do you call a penguin in the sahara? Lost. What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fatcawthorne 1,171 Posted December 29, 2020 Share Posted December 29, 2020 12 hours ago, Welkin said: What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff. And what do you call a woman who’s just had a haemorrhoids operation?  Anita Harris. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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