pigsty Posted August 17, 2022 Share Posted August 17, 2022 At first I wasn't too keen on having a beard ... but it's grown on me. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted August 17, 2022 Share Posted August 17, 2022 I spent the whole morning inventing a time machine. That's four hours of my life I'm definitely getting back. 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted August 18, 2022 Share Posted August 18, 2022 Right, so these rail strikes are affecting the Underground and the Overground. But what about the Wombling Free? 9 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted August 19, 2022 Share Posted August 19, 2022 How come you never read the headline Psychic Wins Lottery? 1 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted August 19, 2022 Share Posted August 19, 2022 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted August 20, 2022 Share Posted August 20, 2022 The boss asked Mark to start the presentation with a joke. He shared his paycheck as the first slide. Simon. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted August 20, 2022 Share Posted August 20, 2022 Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. “ “Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!” Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?” “No, sweetheart,” she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?” “Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says. “One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks. “Oh, forgive me, Abie,” begged Esther. “I didn’t send that one, either.” Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, “What was that for?” Abe answers, “They’ll find us!” Simon. 1 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stever219 Posted August 20, 2022 Share Posted August 20, 2022 I’d love to tell you all a great joke about a herb and a fish but this isn’t the thyme or the plaice. 1 8 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted August 22, 2022 Share Posted August 22, 2022 I'm still waiting for my final exam results from the Caribbean dance academy. Basically, they've left me in limbo... 7 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted August 22, 2022 Share Posted August 22, 2022 57 minutes ago, Pete in Lincs said: I'm still waiting for my final exam results from the Caribbean dance academy. Basically, they've left me in limbo... How low can they get?? 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted August 22, 2022 Share Posted August 22, 2022 6 minutes ago, jenko said: How low can they get?? Under the bathroom door! 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welkin Posted August 23, 2022 Share Posted August 23, 2022 I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already. 1 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted September 4, 2022 Share Posted September 4, 2022 What's the difference between a cavalry horse and a draught horse? One darts into the fray. The other delivers beer. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabbit Leader Posted September 4, 2022 Share Posted September 4, 2022 Last night I had a dream I was a car muffler. … This morning I woke up totally exhausted! 7 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted September 6, 2022 Share Posted September 6, 2022 A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied... "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. ..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!" Simon. 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted September 6, 2022 Share Posted September 6, 2022 I have this terrible fear of speed bumps ... but I'm slowly getting over it. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silenoz Posted September 11, 2022 Share Posted September 11, 2022 One of those lowered cars heh? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted September 13, 2022 Share Posted September 13, 2022 In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I be acquitted?" Simon. 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welkin Posted September 15, 2022 Share Posted September 15, 2022 You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice. 2 1 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welkin Posted September 15, 2022 Share Posted September 15, 2022 What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle? Attire. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted September 16, 2022 Share Posted September 16, 2022 My Wife just got a new job on the cosmetics counter at Boots. She's made up.... 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted September 16, 2022 Share Posted September 16, 2022 And, my mate is a bit of an entertainer. He likes to be known as Wells Fargo. Of course, that's just his stage name. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vince1159 Posted September 17, 2022 Share Posted September 17, 2022 13 hours ago, Pete in Lincs said: My Wife just got a new job on the cosmetics counter at Boots. She's made up.... Mine asked me once about makeup foundation and which i thought would be best,boy did she get the right hump when i said concrete.... 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted September 18, 2022 Share Posted September 18, 2022 95% of electric vehicles are still on the road. The remaining 5% made it all the way home. 19 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Selwyn Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 On 8/22/2022 at 5:22 PM, Pete in Lincs said: I'm still waiting for my final exam results from the Caribbean dance academy. Basically, they've left me in limbo... Caribbean? I thought limbo dancing was invented by a Scotsman trying to get under the door of a pay toilet! Selwyn 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts