-Ian- Posted January 20, 2022 Share Posted January 20, 2022 (edited) Not sure I want to pour this on pancakes: Edited January 20, 2022 by -Ian- 20 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ratch Posted January 28, 2022 Share Posted January 28, 2022 I walked into B&Q the other day and this bloke in an Orange and Black uniform asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was that. Others may not be so lucky, so please be on your guard. 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted January 29, 2022 Share Posted January 29, 2022 I have only one word for women who look at me as some kind of sex object. Hi! 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted January 30, 2022 Share Posted January 30, 2022 Some people call me the space cowboy, Some call me the gangster of love... BARISTA, I'm just gonna put Steve on the cup... 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted January 30, 2022 Share Posted January 30, 2022 I just ordered a Chicken and an egg on Amazon. I'll let you know... 1 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 It was just a couple of minutes before closing time. I popped my head round the door of the chip shop and asked, "D'you have any chips left?" "Yes!!!" said the man behind the counter. I told him, "Serves you right for making so many!" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 A new variant of covid has emerged. One of the symptoms is that it makes you sweat butter. Scientists are confident they can control the spread. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted February 14, 2022 Share Posted February 14, 2022 Why did the dyslexic agnostic with insomnia stay up all night? A: She was wondering if there really is a dog. Think about it. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted February 14, 2022 Share Posted February 14, 2022 A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a stretcher in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.” 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted February 14, 2022 Share Posted February 14, 2022 A crusty old aviator found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local (strictly women's) liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the pilot for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?" "No," the pilot said, "just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The aviator's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself." The pilot just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The aviator continued to stare at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?" Then, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!" Simon. 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Ian- Posted February 15, 2022 Share Posted February 15, 2022 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted February 16, 2022 Share Posted February 16, 2022 An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are talking about their children. "My lad was born on the 23rd of April," says the Englishman, "so naturally we called him George." "That's funny," says the Scotsman. "Our lad was born on the 30th of November, so we called him Andrew." "Ah," says the Irishman, "that's just how it was with our wee lad Pancake." 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fnick Posted February 18, 2022 Share Posted February 18, 2022 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fnick Posted February 18, 2022 Share Posted February 18, 2022 A woman gave birth to three sons that she called Mat, Pat and Tat. She soon realised that feeding would be a problem. Mat and Pat were ok but there was no tit for Tat... I'll get me 🧥... 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnT Posted February 19, 2022 Share Posted February 19, 2022 Courtesy of tonight’s Lisa Tarbuck radio show “I’m a bit concerned about the caravan in the back garden. it wasn’t there yesterday” Also courtesy of the several storms these past few days with wind gusting 80 mph plus 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted February 20, 2022 Share Posted February 20, 2022 19 hours ago, JohnT said: “I’m a bit concerned about the caravan in the back garden. it wasn’t there yesterday” Did you hear about the floods in Hull? Oh yes, it was terrible. All those knackered cars and bits of old furniture piled up in people's front gardens ... and then the floods came. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted February 20, 2022 Share Posted February 20, 2022 I went out with an optician once. One day I told her I couldn't see her any more. She shifted a bit closer on the sofa and said "How about now?" 1 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted February 22, 2022 Share Posted February 22, 2022 Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of a local nightclub was not a bouncer. 16 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted February 23, 2022 Share Posted February 23, 2022 I've just bought a new thesaurus! It's great - I really similar it. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted February 24, 2022 Share Posted February 24, 2022 I have heard that there is a chip shop in the UK that wraps its fish and chips in photocopy paper. Its a little plaice on the A4. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Swindell Posted February 24, 2022 Share Posted February 24, 2022 7 hours ago, Kiwidave4 said: I have heard that there is a chip shop in the UK that wraps its fish and chips in photocopy paper. Its a little plaice on the A4. The Little Plaice is on the A5, the one on the A4 is An Ordinary Plaice. Have you seen the size of the fish in one on the A1 though... 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted February 24, 2022 Share Posted February 24, 2022 A man comes running down the aisle in a train. “Is there a priest anywhere on board?” he asks. “It’s an emergency!” A few moments later he comes running back. “Is there a vicar on the train? It’s critical!” Then he comes again. “A rabbi? Do we have a rabbi on board?” A hand goes up. “I’m a Methodist minister. Can I help?” “Thanks, but that’s no good to me. I’m trying to find a corkscrew.” 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circloy Posted February 24, 2022 Share Posted February 24, 2022 Somewhere in every town there's an Iceland store at the perfect distance to serve instantly cooked Pizza's should a 5Mt bomb go off above the town hall. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted March 5, 2022 Share Posted March 5, 2022 A Doctor was addressing a large audience. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake." Simon. 1 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Ian- Posted March 8, 2022 Share Posted March 8, 2022 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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