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Short CLEAN Jokes IV -Just when you thought it couldn't get any worser


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Once upon a time there lived a German named Hans.

 

Each day, before work, he'd go fishing. Every fish he caught he would smack it on a rock to make sure it was dead.

 

Then he went to work as a health visitor to local schools. His job was to cure teenagers with acne using milk. Hence the song...

 

# Now hans who kills fishes can heal spots on a face with some white cream dairy liquid !!#

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2 hours ago, Bonhoff said:

Once upon a time there lived a German named Hans.

I was then reminded of this version of the above joke....

 

A guy went into a French seafood restaurant and asked to see the
dishes of the day. The waiter wheeled over a trolley with a large tank
full of various species, and the man examined the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" said
the man. "An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour."
replied the waiter and called out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appeared with a large knife, the waiter
instructed the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais was just about to slice at the poor squid when he noticed a tear
running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admitted that he hadn't
the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and called out "Hans!!" at which an
enormous German bloke came out of the kitchen. "Sir", said the waiter,
"This is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans kill that little green squid with
the hairy lip!"

The dishwasher wielded a huge rolling pin and was just about to
bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringed back
and gave a little cry. "I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid"
Hans admitted, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," said the waiter, "it just shows......

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais, with mild green,
hairy lip squid!"

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1 hour ago, Bonhoff said:

I was then reminded of this version of the above joke....

 

A guy went into a French seafood restaurant and asked to see the
dishes of the day. The waiter wheeled over a trolley with a large tank
full of various species, and the man examined the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" said
the man. "An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour."
replied the waiter and called out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appeared with a large knife, the waiter
instructed the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais was just about to slice at the poor squid when he noticed a tear
running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admitted that he hadn't
the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and called out "Hans!!" at which an
enormous German bloke came out of the kitchen. "Sir", said the waiter,
"This is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans kill that little green squid with
the hairy lip!"

The dishwasher wielded a huge rolling pin and was just about to
bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringed back
and gave a little cry. "I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid"
Hans admitted, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," said the waiter, "it just shows......

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais, with mild green,
hairy lip squid!"

 

From the radio show 'My Word' written by Dennis Norden and Frank Muir. That's real old school humour for those of us 'mature' enough to recall the advertising jingle. Wonderful to be reminded of it.

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2 hours ago, Bertie Psmith said:

 

From the radio show 'My Word' written by Dennis Norden and Frank Muir. That's real old school humour for those of us 'mature' enough to recall the advertising jingle. Wonderful to be reminded of it.

 

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A bloke goes to the doctor

 

"I'm suffering from... brrrrp!... continuous and terribly smelly... brrrrp!... farts, Doc. Is there anything... brrrrp!... you can do?"

 

"Sure. Hop up on the couch" says the doc, as he picks up a long pole with a hook on the end.

 

"What the hell ... brrrrp!...are you going to do ... brrrrp!...with that?" exclaimed the man.

 

"I'm going to open the window."

 

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I insured my car recently on a 'fire and theft' policy. It was such a bargain I had to ask them why it was so cheap. The bloke on the phone said, "Well sir, we've never had to pay out on any of those policies. Nobody would ever steal a burnt car."

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Wife texts husband on a bitterly cold winter morning:  "Windows frozen here.  Won't open"

Husband replies:  "Try pouring warm water"

 

 

10 minutes later another text from the wife:  "Computer a real mess now".

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A drummer, after being teased by the rest of the band for years, decides to learn a 'real' instrument.

 

He goes to the music shop and says "I want to buy that trumpet and that accordion please."

 

"Well sir, I can let you have the fire extinguisher but the radiator has to stay here."

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