Spookytooth Posted October 24, 2021 Share Posted October 24, 2021 Noddy Holder went into a tailor's shop in Birmingham to order a loud suit and shirt to wear on stage... The tailor said "Kipper tie?" Noddy said "Yes please - two sugars".... Simon. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted October 24, 2021 Share Posted October 24, 2021 My Cockney wife ask me to get her that cheap shampoo but I couldn't find the one that cost pound ten... Simon. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted October 24, 2021 Share Posted October 24, 2021 A driver pulls up in a street in Birmingham and asks the bloke on the opposite side of the street if there is a B and Q in Wolverhampton. The bloke replies ..... I don't think so but there are definitely 2 D's in Dudley. Dick 1 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 On 10/24/2021 at 3:04 PM, jenko said: A driver pulls up in a street in Birmingham and asks the bloke on the opposite side of the street if there is a B and Q in Wolverhampton. The bloke replies ..... I don't think so but there are definitely 2 D's in Dudley. Dick I really did laugh out loud! What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull terrier 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 here's a good line when the conversation takes a certain turn "So you're a feminist, isn't that cute?" 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 Why is the word 'synonymous' spelt differently to the word 'same' 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 The judge asked the stranger in court, "Are you the defense lawyer in this case?" "No guv, I'm the bloke who stole the chickens." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted October 26, 2021 Share Posted October 26, 2021 What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? Their middle name. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fnick Posted October 27, 2021 Share Posted October 27, 2021 Did you hear the one about the dislexic agnostic insomniac that lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog? 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted October 27, 2021 Share Posted October 27, 2021 God is a creative kind of person, as we know, so I think he is like all modellers. That's why I don't believe he made the universe in a week. I think he messed around for six days and then pulled an all-nighter, just before the deadline for the competition. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted October 27, 2021 Share Posted October 27, 2021 Two single modelling chappies were talking about cooking. "I had a cookbook once but I could never get started with even one of the recipes" "What was the problem, mate?" "They all began the same way 'Take a clean dish....' " 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted October 27, 2021 Share Posted October 27, 2021 I heard there was a puppy going cheap down at the petshop. I went down to see it and they were asking £5000. I asked why so much and the bloke said "You don't often see a dog that can do bird impressions." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 Although I have gone bald I have kept my comb. I just can't part with it. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted October 29, 2021 Share Posted October 29, 2021 On 10/24/2021 at 9:07 AM, Bullbasket said: Oh, the joy of the apostrophe!! [ahem] Comma. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted October 29, 2021 Share Posted October 29, 2021 51 minutes ago, pigsty said: [ahem] Comma. Doh!! But there again, an apostrophe is just a comma that has gone up in the world. 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 What's a hospice? About two gallons. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 I saw this bloke in the street wearing a parka. The hood kept waving around madly and people were chucking coins into it. I asked him if he made a lot of money that way and he said "Yeah, its my livelihood." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 Some definitions: Catastrophe - first prize at the cat show Boycott - somewhere to keep male babies Climate - what you do with a ladder Copulate - a tardy police response to a 999 call Shamrock - imitation mineral 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
593jones Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 5 hours ago, Bertie Psmith said: Some definitions: Catastrophe - first prize at the cat show Boycott - somewhere to keep male babies Climate - what you do with a ladder Copulate - a tardy police response to a 999 call Shamrock - imitation mineral I'm glad you didn't include shampoo in that list. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 1 minute ago, 593jones said: I'm glad you didn't include shampoo in that list. I didn't need to, I've got hundreds of these .I listen to "I'm sorry, I haven't a clue." Pantry - a cupboard for keeping one's underwear Out of bounds - an exhausted kangaroo Margin - mother's ruin Oyster - a large crane Porcupine - a yearning for bacon 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 A bloke dies and goes to heaven and is introduced to God. He's not surprised to see Jesus sitting nearby, but between them is a bloke in a janitor's uniform with a mop in a bucket in one hand and a duster in the other. "Who are you?" the bloke asks. "I'm Cleanliness." 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted November 1, 2021 Share Posted November 1, 2021 11 hours ago, Bertie Psmith said: I didn't need to, I've got hundreds of these .I listen to "I'm sorry, I haven't a clue." That's where I used to get a lot of mine from when the "Alternative Meanings" thread was running (Before it got culled!!) Another "sham"..........shambolic; not really much of a telling off. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 1, 2021 Share Posted November 1, 2021 I went to the doctor and he said, "Say ahh" I said, "Why?" And he said, "My dog's died." 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted November 1, 2021 Share Posted November 1, 2021 I'm going to build a join the dots house. I've got outline planning permission... 8 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 Went to the doctor and he told me to face the window and put my tongue out. "Will that help you diagnose what's wrong with me?" I asked. He replied, "No, but I can't stand the man across the road." 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts