Pete in Lincs Posted August 17, 2021 Share Posted August 17, 2021 I recently met a man who makes up music about old sewing machines. Yes, he's a Singer songwriter. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mick4350 Posted August 17, 2021 Share Posted August 17, 2021 (edited) 21 minutes ago, Pete in Lincs said: I recently met a man who makes up music about old sewing machines. Yes, he's a Singer songwriter. Or sew it seams... Didn't you post this one 17 days ago @Pete in Lincs Edited August 17, 2021 by Mick4350 Bloody autocorrect 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted August 17, 2021 Share Posted August 17, 2021 Drat! I knew I'd seen it somewhere. I must be losing the thread. One day I'll cotton on to how this remembering lark works. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted August 17, 2021 Share Posted August 17, 2021 An old lady goes into the local butchers and asks "Do you keep dripping?" The butcher replied "Yes madam" "So do I , annoying isn`t" said the lady. Simon. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted August 18, 2021 Share Posted August 18, 2021 A man goes into a bookshop and asks the bookseller, "Do you keep stationery?" She replies, coyly, "No, I usually wriggle about a bit." 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted August 18, 2021 Share Posted August 18, 2021 Two escaped tigers are walking down the aisles of a supermarket on a Saturday morning. One turns to the other and says, "It's surprisingly quiet in here for a weekend." 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnT Posted August 18, 2021 Share Posted August 18, 2021 Courtesy of the late Chic Murray - noted for his very dry humour Man goes over to second man who has fallen onto the pavement and asks “Did you trip and fall” Reply”No I’m trying to break a bar of chocolate that’s in my back pocket” 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted August 18, 2021 Share Posted August 18, 2021 @Spookytooth seems to have triggered me into a series of shopping jokes. It's not my fault. Bloke goes into a hardware shop and asks for some large nails. The shopkeeper says "Exactly how long do you want them?" and the man says, "Well actually I was hoping to keep them." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted August 19, 2021 Share Posted August 19, 2021 On 8/7/2021 at 2:30 PM, 593jones said: Self: I think I'm going to have to go on a diet and take more exercise. SWMBO: Why? Self: Just been checking my clothes in the wardrobe, I can't get most of my jeans and trousers on. Must have put on a lot of weight. SWMBO: All my clothes fit me. Self: Yes, but you were fat when you bought them. Ouch! Think before you speak, Dave, think before you speak! Wife in supermarket: You can put that case of beer back, we can't afford it. Me: Well, what about this jar of face-cream for you? Wife: That's to make me look beautiful! Me: That's what the beer's for! 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circloy Posted August 19, 2021 Share Posted August 19, 2021 Put a new mask on earlier and it kept slipping off & realised that with this C-19 I've developed Prince Charles ears. Good job it's not sexually transmitted, I thought, I might have ended up with a Prince A.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex Gordon Posted August 20, 2021 Share Posted August 20, 2021 9 hours ago, Circloy said: I might have ended up with a Prince A.... Prince Albert? 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Ian- Posted August 20, 2021 Share Posted August 20, 2021 Yorkshire proof readers. Fighting the war on t'error 1 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted August 20, 2021 Share Posted August 20, 2021 Captain America refused to apologise. The situation escalated rapidly and soon it was the biggest battle the world had ever seen. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted August 20, 2021 Share Posted August 20, 2021 A Freudian slip: saying one thing when you mean your mother. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted August 20, 2021 Share Posted August 20, 2021 Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away? Or is it one of Granny's myths? 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admiral Puff Posted August 22, 2021 Share Posted August 22, 2021 Covid self -test Pour a measure of whisky, gin, or rum into a glass, then see if you can smell it. If you can, then drink it, and if you can taste it it is reasonable to assume that you are currently free of the virus. I tested myself 9 times last night, and was virus free each time, thank goodness. I will test myself again today because I have developed a headache which I understand is also a covid symptom. Keep testing 2 16 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony C Posted August 22, 2021 Share Posted August 22, 2021 On 20/08/2021 at 23:56, Kiwidave4 said: Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away? Or is it one of Granny's myths? No, no , no, that is one step too far... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted August 24, 2021 Share Posted August 24, 2021 A man walks into a fishmongers with a big salmon under his arm. "Do you make fishcakes?" he asks. "Of course," says the fishmonger. "Oh good." says the man, "It's his birthday." 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted August 24, 2021 Share Posted August 24, 2021 Love this. 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted August 24, 2021 Share Posted August 24, 2021 A blonde sitting in a bar wondering why she only has three sisters when her brother has four!!!! Simon. 1 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 (edited) After a long struggle with Diarrhoea and, then with Hypercholesterolemia, I finally won the village spelling contest. Edited August 28, 2021 by Kiwidave4 1 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted September 4, 2021 Share Posted September 4, 2021 A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the Pearly Gates, petted her on the head and said, “You have been a good cat for these 20 years. Anything that you want is yours for the asking.” The cat thought for a minute and replied, “All my life I have lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.” God said, “Say no more.” Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident, and they all went to heaven together. God met them at the gates of Heaven with the same offer He made to the cat. The mice said, “Well, all our lives we’ve had to run from dogs, cats and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates, we’d never have to run again.” God said, “It is done!” All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How you been doing? Are you happy?” The cat replied, “Oh, I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals-on-wheels you’ve been sending over here are delicious!” Simon. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CliffB Posted September 5, 2021 Share Posted September 5, 2021 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted September 5, 2021 Share Posted September 5, 2021 Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether / oar situation. Dick 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted September 5, 2021 Share Posted September 5, 2021 Morty and Selma, an elderly couple, were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?” Selma, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” Morty yelled, “He says you were speeding!” The patrolman said, “May I see your license?” Selma turned to her husband once again and asked, “What did he say? ”Morty yelled, “He wants to see your license!” Selma gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, “I see you are from New York. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the most annoying woman I’ve ever met.” Selma turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” Morty yells, “He said he thinks he knows you!” Simon. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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