-Ian- Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 I went drinking with the Beach Boys at the weekend, it was alright until I asked who's round it was. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 Know a bloke who is in love with two women. One writes beautiful poetry and the other makes the best Yorkshire puddings he has ever tasted. He can't decide if he should marry for batter or for verse? 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 2 hours ago, -Ian- said: I went drinking with the Beach Boys at the weekend, it was alright until I asked who's round it was. That reminds me of the terrible time I had nightclubbing with the Scissor Sisters - they just didn’t feel like dancing. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circloy Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 Just 'phoned the insurance company to cover the pets for vets fees the cat & dog are now insured but the fish aren't. Turns out they don't do multi-carp insurance. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 Whenever my wife is upset I let her colour in my tattoos. She really appreciates a shoulder to crayon. 1 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 I recently added lunges to my daily keep-fit routine. That's a big step forward. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 A fox gets on an aeroplane with two dead rabbits for it's lunch. The stewardess says, "Sorry sir, only one item of carrion per passenger." 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 A woman boards a bus in Liverpool. "Is this one goin' to Speke?" she asks the driver. "Shouldn't think so, love - I've been drivin' it all mornin' and it's not said a word." 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 My Doctor said I had anaemia and needed more iron. I'm on a diet of prestressed steel. It's really put a spring in my step. 1 7 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He's a Singer Songwriter. Or sew it seams. 11 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Ian- Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 4 hours ago, pigsty said: A woman boards a bus in Liverpool. "Is this one goin' to Speke?" she asks the driver. "Shouldn't think so, love - I've been drivin' it all mornin' and it's not said a word." A woman at Clapham Junction about to board a train, she ask the guard "Victoria?", to which he answers "Only at the weekend madam, today I'm Nigel" 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 9 hours ago, pigsty said: A woman boards a bus in Liverpool. "Is this one goin' to Speke?" she asks the driver. "Shouldn't think so, love - I've been drivin' it all mornin' and it's not said a word." That one dates from the days when buses were horse drawn!! And from half a Century later when buses had conductors and standing passengers would fill the aisle.... (yes I remember it well) - The conductor shouts, "Move farther down the bus". A small boy responds with, "Thats not Father, its Uncle." 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2996 Victor Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 I have an irrational phobia of German sausage. I don't know why, but whatever happens I always fear the wurst. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RAF4EVER Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 2 hours ago, 2996 Victor said: I have an irrational phobia of German sausage. I don't know why, but whatever happens I always fear the wurst. The wurst is yet to come.😈 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circloy Posted August 2, 2021 Share Posted August 2, 2021 On 01/08/2021 at 16:48, RAF4EVER said: The wurst is yet to come.😈 Are sausages made from piglets Bratwurst? VW make more Currywurst each day than cars. Don't ask 'cause I don't know if they pass the emissions test 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted August 3, 2021 Share Posted August 3, 2021 A bloke orders a pizza and the waiter asks if he wants it cut into six slices or twelve. "Make it six" he replies "I could never eat twelve slices." 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted August 3, 2021 Share Posted August 3, 2021 The next day he walked into the chippie and shouted "Fish and chips twice!" The bloke behind the counter said "Alright mate, I heard you the first time!" 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted August 3, 2021 Share Posted August 3, 2021 I ordered Chinese locally (won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving back home heard the bags rustling and moving. I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out. I was driving at the time so I pulled over I leaned forward, picked the bag up, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again! More rustling and little eyes looking out behind the ginger beef! I thought it's got to be a rat or mouse or something so I carefully pulled the bag down....And there it was A PEEKING DUCK!!!! Simon. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted August 4, 2021 Share Posted August 4, 2021 What's the difference between a businessman and a warm dog? The businessman wears a suit, the dog just pants. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted August 4, 2021 Share Posted August 4, 2021 Aviation Special. How do you know there's a pilot in the bar? He'll tell you. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted August 4, 2021 Share Posted August 4, 2021 And ladies, How do you know when you're half way through dinner date with a pilot? He says, "Enough about flying, lets talk about me" 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted August 4, 2021 Share Posted August 4, 2021 and finally, What's the best cure for airsickness? Sit quietly under a tree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Ian- Posted August 4, 2021 Share Posted August 4, 2021 18 minutes ago, Bertie Psmith said: Aviation Special. How do you know there's a pilot in the bar? He'll tell you. See also: Lead singers Scuba divers Yorkshiremen Vegans iPhone owners 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bandsaw Steve Posted August 5, 2021 Share Posted August 5, 2021 Mary had a little lamb and could not get to sleep. Whenever she tried counting it, there was just that one sheep 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Knight Posted August 5, 2021 Share Posted August 5, 2021 Did you hear about the boxer who couldn't get to sleep? Doctor told him to try to count sheep But every time the boxer got to 9 he got up 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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