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Short CLEAN Jokes IV -Just when you thought it couldn't get any worser


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I dunno about the the implied counter of that, I've had soup in some places that tasted,  well. . . .nuff said

 

T'other day, in local café, I ordered 'soup of the day'

When I got it I looked at this murky liquid in the bowl.

I asked the waiter   'What is this stuff?'

He told me    'Its bean soup'

I said 'I don't care what its been, what is it now?'

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I was beekeeper for a while once. I really was. I had 12 hives, each hive had over 20,000 bees

 

I used to go down to them before dawn each day and return home after dark

Once my wife asked me what did I find to do everyday of the week which took all day to do?

I told her;

'You know beekeepers are supposed to talk to their bees?'

'Yes'

'Well, by the time I've said 'Good Morning' to every bee in the 12 hives, its time to say 'Good Night' to each of them'

 

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A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.As he finished his feel, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled. The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for. The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”

 

 

Simon.

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A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. “I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,” he said. “Makes sense,” mumbled the man. “She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.”

 

 

Simon.

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A mate of mine went to an Indian restaurant for a meal. When it arrived there was a large sea bird in the middle of it.

Boy did he go off on one. 

Arguing and going on and on ranting about the bird.

 

I think it was a Kormarant. 

Edited by jenko
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My wife said to me “You know at times you think you are God”

I replied “At times I know I’m God. Every time I look at our son I think Jesus Christ” 

 

 

disclaimer this joke does not represent any person alive or deceased - which I will be if Mrs T reads it

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Two blondes were chatting about their new blokes.

 

One says to other, “My new boyfriend’s a veterinarian”,

The other one says, "Wow, did he fight in any wars.”

To which the first replies, “Don't be silly, it means he doesn’t eat meat.”

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Two blondes on holiday in Ibiza. First night sitting on terrace having a drink. One says that’s a long flight from Manchester. Other says yeah but could have been longer. 
first one-  that’s a lovely moon though

second one - yeah it is

first one - what do you think is furthest away, the moon or Manchester?

second one - Doooh,  can you see Manchester stupid? ????

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A pastor, a priest and a rabbit walked into a blood donor clinic.

The nurse asked them if they happened to know their blood types?

"I think I might be a Type O" said the rabbit.

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1 hour ago, Bertie Psmith said:

Why is getting up at six in the morning like a pig's tail?

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's twirly. 

 

(too early) Better heard than read!

Where's the *GROAN* emoji when you need it? :)

 

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12 hours ago, CliffB said:

A pastor, a priest and a rabbit walked into a blood donor clinic.

The nurse asked them if they happened to know their blood types?

"I think I might be a Type O" said the rabbit.

That's a cracker! My two second delay before getting the point was as funny as the joke.

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