-Ian- Posted July 8, 2021 Share Posted July 8, 2021 ...and another: What's the difference between a seagull and a puppy? A seagull flits across the shore. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fifer54 Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 Yet another: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef . . . 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Knight Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 I dunno about the the implied counter of that, I've had soup in some places that tasted, well. . . .nuff said T'other day, in local café, I ordered 'soup of the day' When I got it I looked at this murky liquid in the bowl. I asked the waiter 'What is this stuff?' He told me 'Its bean soup' I said 'I don't care what its been, what is it now?' 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 Simon. 1 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Knight Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 I was beekeeper for a while once. I really was. I had 12 hives, each hive had over 20,000 bees I used to go down to them before dawn each day and return home after dark Once my wife asked me what did I find to do everyday of the week which took all day to do? I told her; 'You know beekeepers are supposed to talk to their bees?' 'Yes' 'Well, by the time I've said 'Good Morning' to every bee in the 12 hives, its time to say 'Good Night' to each of them' 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Ian- Posted July 12, 2021 Share Posted July 12, 2021 I asked my wife, 'am I the only one you've ever been with?' She said 'yes, the others were all nines or tens' 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted July 12, 2021 Share Posted July 12, 2021 A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.As he finished his feel, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled. The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for. The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.” Simon. 1 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted July 13, 2021 Share Posted July 13, 2021 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted July 13, 2021 Share Posted July 13, 2021 A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. “I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,” he said. “Makes sense,” mumbled the man. “She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.” Simon. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 (edited) A mate of mine went to an Indian restaurant for a meal. When it arrived there was a large sea bird in the middle of it. Boy did he go off on one. Arguing and going on and on ranting about the bird. I think it was a Kormarant. Edited July 14, 2021 by jenko Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 Butterflies never have a plan. They're just winging it. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnT Posted July 17, 2021 Share Posted July 17, 2021 My wife said to me “You know at times you think you are God” I replied “At times I know I’m God. Every time I look at our son I think Jesus Christ” disclaimer this joke does not represent any person alive or deceased - which I will be if Mrs T reads it 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted July 17, 2021 Share Posted July 17, 2021 It's Jamaican Hairstyle Day on Monday. I'm dreading it. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted July 19, 2021 Share Posted July 19, 2021 Two blondes were chatting about their new blokes. One says to other, “My new boyfriend’s a veterinarian”, The other one says, "Wow, did he fight in any wars.” To which the first replies, “Don't be silly, it means he doesn’t eat meat.” 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnT Posted July 20, 2021 Share Posted July 20, 2021 Two blondes on holiday in Ibiza. First night sitting on terrace having a drink. One says that’s a long flight from Manchester. Other says yeah but could have been longer. first one- that’s a lovely moon though second one - yeah it is first one - what do you think is furthest away, the moon or Manchester? second one - Doooh, can you see Manchester stupid? ???? 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2996 Victor Posted July 24, 2021 Share Posted July 24, 2021 My poor little budgie broke his leg the other day, so I made him a splint from two matches. You should have seen his face light up as he walked Cheers, Mark 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fifer54 Posted July 24, 2021 Share Posted July 24, 2021 I saw a car being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit. It was a Lamb Bikini . . . 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted July 26, 2021 Share Posted July 26, 2021 I have just been accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine. 15 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CliffB Posted July 27, 2021 Share Posted July 27, 2021 A pastor, a priest and a rabbit walked into a blood donor clinic. The nurse asked them if they happened to know their blood types? "I think I might be a Type O" said the rabbit. 15 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted July 27, 2021 Share Posted July 27, 2021 I have just been accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine. 1 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2996 Victor Posted July 27, 2021 Share Posted July 27, 2021 2 hours ago, GordonD said: I have just been accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted July 27, 2021 Share Posted July 27, 2021 Why is getting up at six in the morning like a pig's tail? It's twirly. (too early) Better heard than read! 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2996 Victor Posted July 27, 2021 Share Posted July 27, 2021 1 hour ago, Bertie Psmith said: Why is getting up at six in the morning like a pig's tail? It's twirly. (too early) Better heard than read! Where's the *GROAN* emoji when you need it? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted July 27, 2021 Share Posted July 27, 2021 12 hours ago, CliffB said: A pastor, a priest and a rabbit walked into a blood donor clinic. The nurse asked them if they happened to know their blood types? "I think I might be a Type O" said the rabbit. That's a cracker! My two second delay before getting the point was as funny as the joke. 6 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted July 29, 2021 Share Posted July 29, 2021 (edited) I asked my vicar, "What is life?" He said, "It's anything that dies when you stamp on it hard enough." Edited July 29, 2021 by Bertie Psmith 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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