Black Knight Posted May 25, 2021 Share Posted May 25, 2021 I'm waiting for the up-dated Covid '20 to reach the shops 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted May 26, 2021 Share Posted May 26, 2021 The second letter in the word “hive” is wonderful, but thats just my opinion, as beauty is in the I of the bee holder. Simon. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 I think I saw Michael J Fox in my local Garden Centre. Can't be 100% certain though as he had his back to the fuchsias. 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 I must dig out my old stamp album. Could be worth money. Apparently nowadays they're considered collectors items. 1 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday. It was the least I could do. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admiral Puff Posted May 29, 2021 Share Posted May 29, 2021 We DESPERATELY need that "Groan" icon!! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Ian- Posted May 30, 2021 Share Posted May 30, 2021 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted May 30, 2021 Share Posted May 30, 2021 I have been told that in the UK people cannot walk certain breeds of dog on May 31st. Its a ban collie day. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KevinK Posted May 30, 2021 Share Posted May 30, 2021 Sounds like a shaggy dog story.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circloy Posted May 30, 2021 Share Posted May 30, 2021 47 minutes ago, Kiwidave4 said: I have been told that in the UK people cannot walk certain breeds of dog on May 31st. Its a ban collie day. It's one of a series of days through out the year set aside to remember that great vegitarian Ben cauli Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CliffB Posted May 31, 2021 Share Posted May 31, 2021 1 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted June 5, 2021 Share Posted June 5, 2021 A man goes to see his solicitor and says "A customer owes me £500 but won't pay up". "Do you have any proof?" asks the solicitor. "No" replies the man. "Then send him a letter demanding that he pays you the £5000 that he owes you". "But it's only £500" says the man. "Exactly" says the solicitor, "and that's what he will reply, and then you'll have your proof". 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted June 5, 2021 Share Posted June 5, 2021 A man was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vince1159 Posted June 5, 2021 Share Posted June 5, 2021 Read in the paper that a van was leaving a trail of paint along the road from a leaking can... Made me feel quite emulsional... 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted June 9, 2021 Share Posted June 9, 2021 A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!" 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted June 12, 2021 Share Posted June 12, 2021 On 5/28/2021 at 7:50 PM, Pete in Lincs said: I must dig out my old stamp album. Could be worth money. Apparently nowadays they're considered collectors items. No point. Philately will get you nowhere. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted June 12, 2021 Share Posted June 12, 2021 3 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted June 14, 2021 Share Posted June 14, 2021 A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted June 14, 2021 Share Posted June 14, 2021 Man on his deathbed surrounded by his wife and four sons. He says to his wife, "Elsie - I'm dying and there's one thing I've always wondered but didn't bring up because we had a truly happy marriage and I didn't want to ruin it. But our youngest son, Jack, is a skinny little thing while the other three are big hulking brutes. Please don't lie to me - is Jack really my son?" His wife looks him directly in the eye and says, "As God is my witness, Jack truly is your son." "Thank you, Elsie," he says, and dies a happy man. And Elsie thinks to herself, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three!" 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted June 16, 2021 Share Posted June 16, 2021 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted June 19, 2021 Share Posted June 19, 2021 You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love," and you answer, "I can't do both." 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted June 19, 2021 Share Posted June 19, 2021 Jim woke up early on Saturday morning for his weekly game of golf. He slipped quietly out of bed to avoid waking his wife, then showered, dressed and had breakfast. However when he opened the front door there was thunder and lightning and the rain was coming down like a monsoon. He decided this was too much and closed the door, undressed quickly without putting the bedroom light on then got back into bed and snuggled up to his wife. She gave a contented sigh and said, "Can you believe my idiot husband is playing golf in this weather?" 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted June 19, 2021 Share Posted June 19, 2021 I was out for a walk in the countryside when a sheep ran past me. Then another, then another ... then a man came racing up, all red in the face, holding a stick. "Did you see any sheep come this way?" he asked. "Yes," I said, "they went over there." "Oh god," he replied, "they've all got out! Ninety-eight of 'em! I'm in so much trouble ... any chance you could help me round them up?" "Sure," I said. "A hundred." 1 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted June 20, 2021 Share Posted June 20, 2021 As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork." Simon. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted June 21, 2021 Share Posted June 21, 2021 I asked my boss for a pay rise today. I said, "I've got three other companies after me." He said, "Oh yes, who are they then?" I replied, "Gas, electricity and water." 2 6 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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