CliffB Posted April 3, 2021 Share Posted April 3, 2021 John Lennon came up with "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds". Demonstrating once again that he was rubbish at Cluedo. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted April 3, 2021 Share Posted April 3, 2021 Trump. The buttocks. Trim. The bit around the edge. Trait. Opposite of t'left. Tram. Tup. Train. Inclement weather. Take. Back pain. John. 8 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted April 8, 2021 Share Posted April 8, 2021 I've been swallowed whole by a Shark. I feel like I'm living in a vacuum. 8 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted April 8, 2021 Share Posted April 8, 2021 Just got in from my morning walk and said to my wife, "I got bitten by a dog when I was passing the shops." She said, "Imagine if that had been a small child." I said, "No problem, I could have fought off a small child" 1 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevehnz Posted April 9, 2021 Share Posted April 9, 2021 A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper. The bartender says, “Hey there’s a steering wheel sticking out of your zipper," to which the pirate exclaims “AAAAARRRRRRRGH, it’s driving me nuts!!!" 1 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John_W Posted April 17, 2021 Share Posted April 17, 2021 Part of the Suez Canal is one way. Before entering this section ships Captains must sound their horns. The signs say: "Toot and come on" 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted April 24, 2021 Share Posted April 24, 2021 A bloke dressed in wellies, orange overalls, a yellow hard hat with a light on, blacked up face and a canary on his shoulder walked into a pub. The whole pub went silent and everyone stared at him for a few seconds, then carried on with what they were doing. After all, he was just a miner distraction. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ratch Posted April 27, 2021 Share Posted April 27, 2021 Les Dawson lives! 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted April 29, 2021 Share Posted April 29, 2021 (edited) I've just bought a book about houses with 3 foot high ceilings. It's a book of short storeys. Edited April 29, 2021 by jenko spelling as always 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted April 29, 2021 Share Posted April 29, 2021 Had my six year old grandson staying so thought I would explain the health benefits of dried fruits to him. Its all about raisin awareness. 1 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CedB Posted May 2, 2021 Share Posted May 2, 2021 I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday. It was the least I could do for him. 1 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted May 2, 2021 Share Posted May 2, 2021 Wife to husband. "What do you mean ..you've forgotten where you parked the car !! You're shopping on line !! 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Ian- Posted May 3, 2021 Share Posted May 3, 2021 (edited) I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug. Edited May 3, 2021 by -Ian- 1 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
593jones Posted May 4, 2021 Share Posted May 4, 2021 Found this on another forum 2 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted May 7, 2021 Share Posted May 7, 2021 I swear that my new girlfriend is a witch and has put a spell on me. We were out for a drive last night, and when she put her hand on my thigh, I turned into a layby. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ratch Posted May 8, 2021 Share Posted May 8, 2021 My optician has told me to stop trying to look through a colander, it will strain my eyes. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnT Posted May 8, 2021 Share Posted May 8, 2021 On 16/03/2021 at 04:50, Kiwidave4 said: In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him. True story:- photographer taking group photo of lawyers attending faculty dinner. Looks up when all assembled for the photo and says “Ready ladies and gentlemen now all together say “Fees””. It worked too. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Ian- Posted May 8, 2021 Share Posted May 8, 2021 Two wind turbines in a field. One asks the other: "What's your favourite type of music?" The first one responds: "I'm a really big metal fan." 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admiral Puff Posted May 8, 2021 Share Posted May 8, 2021 5 hours ago, JohnT said: True story:- photographer taking group photo of lawyers attending faculty dinner. Looks up when all assembled for the photo and says “Ready ladies and gentlemen now all together say “Fees””. It worked too. What? Lawyers with a sense of humour? They'll get struck off ... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted May 9, 2021 Share Posted May 9, 2021 Two wind turbines in a field ... They can fit as many of those big white propellers as they like, they'll never get Cornwall to take off. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted May 14, 2021 Share Posted May 14, 2021 When I was young I was poor. But now, after years of hard honest and painstaking work, I am no longer young. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John_W Posted May 20, 2021 Share Posted May 20, 2021 What do Alexander the Great, Winnie the Pooh and Jack the Ripper have in common? They all have the same middle name... 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted May 23, 2021 Share Posted May 23, 2021 I rang my wife and said, ''I'm nearly home love, could you put the kettle on?'' After a long pause I said, ''Hello, you still there?'' ''Yes,'' she replied, ''but I don't think the kettle wants to talk right now.'' 1 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ratch Posted May 25, 2021 Share Posted May 25, 2021 As I left the pub a policewoman said to me "You're staggering!" I replied, "You're quite gorgeous yourself." We just laughed and laughed ........ can someone post bail please? 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circloy Posted May 25, 2021 Share Posted May 25, 2021 News reporters around the world are dreading going on the air now that the new Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch COVID 19 variant has been identified in Wales... (above nicked from another site - too good to miss) Wonder if Paul Harcastle has suffered from Covid N-n-n-n-nineteen, nineteen Thinking on this could run and run and run, just like my nose after the second jab 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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