GordonD Posted November 30, 2020 Share Posted November 30, 2020 Did you hear about the man with five willies? His underpants fit like a glove. 7 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted December 1, 2020 Share Posted December 1, 2020 A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?" 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swralph Posted December 1, 2020 Share Posted December 1, 2020 What's green and sits in the corner? A naughty sprout. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted December 2, 2020 Share Posted December 2, 2020 An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night." Simon. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted December 3, 2020 Share Posted December 3, 2020 A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm... that's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward." Simon. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted December 3, 2020 Share Posted December 3, 2020 Simon. 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted December 3, 2020 Share Posted December 3, 2020 In another version of the joke, He became an interior decorator. He did the hall and stairs through the letter box. Meantime, I've been on a course, learning how to tie up Horses. I can't say that it went without a hitch.... 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admiral Puff Posted December 3, 2020 Share Posted December 3, 2020 We really DO need that "Groan" icon ... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted December 4, 2020 Share Posted December 4, 2020 A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the engine of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage. "Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its' heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic..... "Try doing it with the engine running." 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted December 4, 2020 Share Posted December 4, 2020 The old ones are the best. A man is driving through a town about the time that the pubs are closing, when his car starts to splutter, misfire, and finally give up all together. He gets out, collects some tools from the boot, and then opens up the bonnet to inspect the engine. He gets to work trying to find the cause of the problem, when a drunk, who has just exited one of the local pubs comes staggering over to him. "Wasermara?" slurs the drunk. Without looking up, the motorist replies "Piston broke". "Yeah" says the drunk. "So am I, hic". 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whofan Posted December 4, 2020 Share Posted December 4, 2020 While out walking my little dog, I came across a a flattened piece of cardboard. I’m going to wrap it up and give it to my nephew. He always keeps telling me that, for Christmas, he wants an x-box ... 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swralph Posted December 4, 2020 Share Posted December 4, 2020 I walked into a bar yesterday and the weight lifter was far from pleased. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted December 4, 2020 Share Posted December 4, 2020 A burglar broke into house near here yesterday afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point demanded the man to hand over all the money, all the valuables and his bank cards. The man started sobbing and said “You can take anything you want, you can even beat me up and stab me, but please. PLEASE untie the rope and free her!" The burglar paused, and said “You must really love your wife” The guy replied “Not particularly, but she'll be home shortly...... Simon. 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted December 4, 2020 Share Posted December 4, 2020 I came home to find all the windows open and everything gone! What sort of person would do that to a nativity calendar? (I blame classic FM for that one) 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted December 6, 2020 Share Posted December 6, 2020 They've brought out a special Liverpool-themed advent calendar. All the windows are boarded up. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swralph Posted December 6, 2020 Share Posted December 6, 2020 I won a dancing competition once. I only got up to go to the toilet. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whofan Posted December 8, 2020 Share Posted December 8, 2020 Courtesy of Gold tv channel; 1. What is Dominic Cummings’ favourite Christmas song? Driving Home for Christmas. 2. Did you hear that production was down at Santa’s workshop? Many of his workers have had to Elf isolate! 3. Why didn’t Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem? All Virgin flights were cancelled. 4. Why are Santa’s reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve? They have herd immunity. 5. Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown? Because the “Arrrr!” rate had risen. 6. Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto? Because eventually, it’s behind you. 7. Why couldn’t Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Because there was no Zoom at the inn. 8. Why can’t Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? He doesn’t know how many tiers it should have. 9. What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner? They put on a super spread. 10. Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time? Home Alone. (Look, it says short CLEAN jokes, being funny isn't requied !!!) 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted December 8, 2020 Share Posted December 8, 2020 A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not." 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swralph Posted December 8, 2020 Share Posted December 8, 2020 I walked into a pub.....still not learned my lesson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swralph Posted December 8, 2020 Share Posted December 8, 2020 Ding dong bell pussy's in the well. How can you tell?. Cos of the filthy rotten smell. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circloy Posted December 8, 2020 Share Posted December 8, 2020 Ding dong merrily I'm high, been smokin marijuanna. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted December 10, 2020 Share Posted December 10, 2020 Is claustrophobia the fear of being locked in a room with Father Christmas? 7 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted December 10, 2020 Share Posted December 10, 2020 ^^^^^^^ If there was a need for a groan emoji the above gag just proves it ........................... Please Mike ...sooner rather than latter ................... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted December 11, 2020 Share Posted December 11, 2020 Simon. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted December 12, 2020 Share Posted December 12, 2020 My wife complained that I had kept her awake all night muttering, "I was born in 1892 in Bloemfontein and wrote Lord of the Rings." Apparently I was Tolkien in my sleep. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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