Gorby scratches an unthinkable whopper!

[Gorby]

Holt 150 ton Field Monitor - 1915.

 

Look at this monster (it's nice to be able to say that without fear of prosecution).

 

 

Below, I've shown it after it's been parked overnight in Coventry (house bricks omitted for clarity).

 

The Americans seriously considered building these things. It is tempting to laugh and point at the silly colonials, but titter ye not (okay go on then, they probably deserve it for one reason or another). All across the globe, back in the olden days they didn't even know what tanks were supposed to look like! I would cut them some slack, but they were similarly clueless about aircraft.

 

See what I mean? What were they thinking?

 

Many designers considered the 'Big wheel' tank idea. Judging from the designs of some, those designers probably ended up in institutions wearing jackets that laced-up at the back. This one (surprise, surprise) never got built, although the Americans gave it very careful consideration and a reasonable amount of planning. It was intended for use against the Mexicans on the south Texas boarder region. They didn't like Mexicans in those days, oh how times have changed. It was to have twenty crew, powered by two steam engines, a gearbox for each 20' diameter wheel; the main armament was intended to be 6” naval guns and armour thickness up to 75mm! You don't get electric windows or a sun roof, but it does come with not one, but two machine-gun turrets and given the choice, wouldn't you swap electric windows for at least one machine-gun turret? I think we can assume that this is the long wheel-base version. The nippy, around-town model was probably the basis for the early Volvos.

If you were measuring it's acceleration, forget the stop-watch, you'll need a calendar. One of the reasons it was abandoned is that it wouldn't be able to keep up with the cavalry, hell if it was racing a glacier, the smart money wouldn't be on the monitor. The speed was estimated at no more than a few kilometres per hour. You could probably crawl away from it without fear of being overtaken.

 

I've printed it to scale and shown it here with my A7V which is also in 1/48.

 

In 1/48 it'll be 14.6” (370mm), in 1/35 it would be 20”(510mm)!

The only information I've been able to find is a couple of side views and a somewhat confusing description which sounds like it's been translated from ancient Phoenician semaphore using Google Translate. I've done a top view to the best of my ability from the information available. As with many things in life, some of the details I'm completely clueless.

 

You may notice that there is no way the wheels could steer. They didn't need to, they each had their own gearbox – aren't you listening? Each wheel would have been able to go a different speeds ranging from slow, to very slow – god knows how the they expected to coordinate that in practice. Parallel parking would have been a real bugger. Inclines and obstacles would have presented insurmountable problems, but if those pesky Mexicans caused trouble on any cricket pitches, croquet lawns or bowling greens, the Yanks would have just the machine to deal with them. The spec suggested up to ten machine guns, which were supposed to have overlapping fields of fire, but I've notice that there's a major weak spot.

 

I believe that's a definite Achillies bottom. What's the betting that if these ever went into production, the Mexicans would have invented the limpet mine soon after.

 

As the unbelievably short-sighted manufacturers have yet to kit this important nonentity in 1/48, I'm going to resort to some crude plastic mangling. Although a word of warning, scratch building is a very virulent disease, which when infected, tends to be incurable. It often takes hold in the cockpit area and then rapidly spreads to other poorly developed parts. You may need to wash your eyes thoroughly in the dishwasher after viewing this post in order remain free from infection. If you want to continue following this build you may need to think about jabs or something.

 

[Bullbasket]

Mark, you have no idea what went through my mind when I read your title. I was going to send you a tin of Mycota powder.

Anyway, this should keep you off of the streets for a wee while.

 

John.

[Pete in Lincs]

Definitely lights up the bonkers alert panel on the control panel. 

Erm, Two steam engines. So, there needs to be a convoy of coal wagons following, each one towing a water bowser. Mexico IIRC is not noted for either substance?

You'd probably need a super AA gold card too. Four gearboxes = four clutches? No sychro on first I bet.

On the plus side, camouflage paint would be a waste of time. Unless you tried to disguise it as a railway station.

Best of British to you, Gorby. Give me a toot toot as you pass the old Hacienda.

[Kingsman]

Yes, but look what the crazy Russians did actually build.  I give you the Czar Tank (drum roll, please).  OK, it fell apart on its first run and was left to rust away...........................  The wheels were 9m in diameter!

 

Copper State were seriously considering kitting it in 1/35, but it hasn't appeared.  Kora and Zebrano did kit it in 1/72, now OOP and £150+ if you can find one.

 

  

[Pete in Lincs]

The shopping trolley as designed by Bloody stupid Johnson. (One for Discworld fans)

[Gorby]

15 hours ago, Bullbasket said:

you have no idea what went through my mind when I read your title.

What a filthy mind you have there John. The title was chosen in all innocence. 

 

12 hours ago, Pete in Lincs said:

Erm, Two steam engines. So, there needs to be a convoy of coal wagons following, each one towing a water bowser. Mexico IIRC is not noted for either substance?

Always with the negative waves man.

No coal, errmm… wood maybe? Quick Googlify and not many trees, ermmm…. Cactus, yes it'd burn cactussssss. No water in a desert, who could have possibly predicted that? It'll have to be tequila then. On second thoughts, putting alcohol in a boiler probably wasn't one of my best ideas. I've got it! When this thing showed up I suspect that there may have been quite a lot of Mexican bandit urine available.

 

12 hours ago, Pete in Lincs said:

camouflage paint would be a waste of time. Unless you tried to disguise it as a railway station.

You've hit upon one of my problems – would they bothered to camouflage it? It's not as if a couple of coats of artfully applied Dulux is going to make it disappear is it. As it's classed as a 'landship' I'm quite tempted to do it in Dazzel camo, but it would probably look even sillier.

 

12 hours ago, Das Abteilung said:

but look what the crazy Russians did actually build.

Yes the Czar tank was something I considered, but those wheels put me off. Plus it's been modelled before and I've done a lot of Googleising and can find a single model of the monitor.

 

 

Thanks everyone for comments and 'likes'.

[JeroenS]

Oh I'll be following this one, if only for the brilliant comments which always seem to accompany your builds Gorby. Very interesting project. Didn't they actually build something like this for Antarctica missions? 

[Gorby]

7 minutes ago, JeroenS said:

Didn't they actually build something like this for Antarctica missions? 

Do you mean the Antarctic snow cruiser: 

 

 

 

It does have a certain monitor flavour doesn't it. Perhaps I could put an airport on mine.

[Pete in Lincs]

And there's your next project, Gorby. Unless of course you are planning one of the land trains from Patrick Tilley's Amtrak Wars series?

 

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51HAPXRtY0L._SX313_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg

 

BTW, One is too much of a Gentleman to even mention the thread title. (Snigger)

[Gorby]

5 minutes ago, Pete in Lincs said:

Unless of course you are planning one of the land trains from Patrick Tilley's Amtrak Wars series?

I'd have to be mad to even consider that.

 

So it's a certainly a possibility. 

[Pete in Lincs]

I seem to remember I worked out out once, in 1/72nd it would be about 6 feet long!

[Gorby]

It doesn't happen often, so when it does it's all the more satisfying. It appears that I have pleased the modelling gods. 

 

It just so happens that the diameter of the wheels in 1/48 is almost exactly, old re-writeable DVD. The getting rid of clutter gods weren't as kind as I'd thrown away loads of the them a couple of months ago. Fortunately I did keep a couple of dozen thinking…… thinking what, that they'll come back into fashion or something? I'll need eight of my precious DVD stash leaving me worryingly exposed when the great USB pen extinction comes. 

 

As the wheels are a tiny bit thicker than two DVD's glued together, it needs something in the middle. The first thing that may strike you is that it's got more joints than a Caribbean Christmas. 

 

It may look a little on the over-engineered side but I tend to build stuff that'll survive a direct missile attack. When I put up a shelf it'll be earthquake proof and will also be likely to survive a tornado and tsunami striking at the same time. Admittedly Coventry (the 'accept no alternatives' original, not some cheap American copy) isn't know as an earthquake or tornado zone and if we get hit by a very large wave, the rest of Britain is really screwed. But you can't be too careful, I think you’ll agree. Suit yourself.

What was I waffling about?

 

If you're the sort of person that would agree that gluing bits of plastic together is important, then I can safely say that it's important that both DVD's are lined up exactly. Out comes the heavy-duty origami cardboard (for making cranes that can survive a missile strike).

    

 

The only thing better than a nice jig is a nice jig that does what it's supposed to and costs bugger all.*

     

 

Sits back smugly with the sort of smile that you just want to punch. 

 

* If I'm honest, there are probably several trillion things better than a jig, but the first couple of trillion I can't mention as this is supposed to be a family friendly site.

 

If I calculated the circumference of the wheels to my usual three (or 'tree' if you're Irish) decimal places, it produces a result of 376.7258mm. This time I used 28 decimal places of pi to calculated the circumference. There is a very good reason why I chose 28 places, it's because there is no reason in my world. Now the new improved result is 376.676959165mm! Well that that was close call, I'd have been 0.048840835mm out! Although marking that out might proved problematic when my pencil lead is fourteen times fatter.

I used the, by now world famous 'bend it like Gorby' method and adding a spacer in the middle with a tiny bit of OCD clamping (surely that should be cliping?). I've just noticed that the DVD's, jig and heavy weight looks like it could pass of as the latest Bang & Olufsen CD player.

 

Glueing it on required some big boys toys. You wouldn’t think this is precision engineering at it's finest would you.

 

Copulation illegitimate!!!!!! 

 

 

Only joking. I knew there’d be a gap because even my biggest sheet of plastic isn't big enough to do this in one piece.

 

Now, get a grip.

Bit late for me but I can't leave the wheels bald. There's not a lot of chance of high speed cornering or wheel spins but it needs something resembling a tread. I'm not talking tyres (NOT tires, our language, you lot are just plain wrong) the only reason you'd need to take it to Kwik Fit is to see a Kwik Fit tyre fitter cry – and to squash all the cars in car park of course. The only clue I had to the tread on the wheels is 'They had to have a tire (dammnit I said that was wrong!) assembled from a large number of metal plates.' If that means something to you, let me know. Basically this thing is a traction engine that's won free Big Macs for life. I saw a tread pattern I liked the look of, but it would have taken twice the number of parts and twice as long to mark out, as it is, it has 93 treads, for each bloody wheel. 372 in total. What fun.

To help cut them to the correct size and angle, I did another jig. A jig that not even I'm able to get excited about.

 

If you're ever misguided enough to try this, you may have to remind yourself that this is fun (heavily disguised). Being very wary of over exciting myself, I thought I finish the treads at a later date.

 

Probably not the best timing – Mrs. Gorby has just asked me in that tone that makes makes you think that all future chocolate rations are at risk, if I'm sure those DVD's aren't the ones with the kids school plays and 'music' recitals on, like that would be a real loss to humanity. Damn, no more inviting all your family and friends around for a binge-watch of the most painful DVD's ever recorded. I believe some countries have banned children playing violins, considering it a cruel and unusual punishment.

 

Aaaannyway, I've still got the rivety skin to do when my new riveter arrives, and in the meantime I hope you've found this post wheely interesting……..

I'm sorry. I told myself I wouldn't say that. 

I feel I've let you down………… I've let myself down……. I've let my dog down, I've let my neighbours goldfish down (I'm not sure why I've headed down the domestic pet route when I could have gone big with….) I feel I've let my country down, I've let your county down (but not as much as my country obviously), I've let down all the counties I've been on holiday to – except Spain, they really P'eed me off at the end, I mean giving the king an impromptu air display at a commercial airport, we were stuck at that bloody airport for six hours in a heat wave……...

[JeroenS]

Why can't we like and laugh at the same time... Nice going with those wheels Gorby!

[Mike]

That's an ambitious project! Good to see you're reusing old tech - I can still remember when the DVD-R was a useful tool, and was about the largest thing you could back your data up to - now I've got 128gb of storage on my keyring.  Oh how the mighty have fallen

[qn30jEkPz7]

1 hour ago, Gorby said:

Basically this thing is a traction engine that's won free Big Macs for life

This sentence should be framed for posterity - well played

[Pete in Lincs]

3 hours ago, Gorby said:

you may have to remind yourself that this is fun (heavily disguised).

Been there, done that. It's so depressing, but only for the first Million years. 🤖

Pete (son of Marvin)

[Corsairfoxfouruncle]

Hello Gorby... Mind if I follow along with the madness ? I feel better knowing I'm not the only Kracked person here. 🤪     

[Gorby]

Thanks @JeroenS. Personally if it comes down to a choice of getting a laugh or getting a like – I'll go for the laugh every time. 

 

Are you suggesting that I'm overcompensating for something? 

Other that it's size, it's comparatively easy so far – my A7V tank and the Robey steamer were much more challenging (I have a feeling I may regret that statement). The biggest problem I'm going to face is to show the scale, I'll need to display it with figures. I'm going to have to adapt Tamiya's German tank maintenance crew into WWI American tank crew and I'd love to get some 1/48 horses but I can't find any the correct size anywhere (without getting a mortgage).

Starting to see the temptation of 3D printers.

 

Thanks @LostCosmonauts @Pete in Lincs and @Corsairfoxfouruncle , your comments really cheered me up. 

[JeroenS]

33 minutes ago, Gorby said:

Thanks @JeroenS. Personally if it comes down to a choice of getting a laugh or getting a like – I'll go for the laugh every time. 

Good to know 🙂 .... I'll just opt for the laugh then. Your building skills are only outmatched by your very entertaining comments. Cracks me up every time., keep it coming!

[Corsairfoxfouruncle]

1 hour ago, Gorby said:

The biggest problem I'm going to face is to show the scale, I'll need to display it with figures. I'm going to have to adapt Tamiya's German tank maintenance crew into WWI American tank crew and I'd love to get some 1/48 horses but I can't find any the correct size anywhere (without getting a mortgage).

Shouldn't be too hard to find figures and horses Gorby. O-Scale is roughly 1/48 scale maybe a little bigger around 1/43 but close enough. 

 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/O_scale

 

Dennis

[qn30jEkPz7]

50 minutes ago, Corsairfoxfouruncle said:

Shouldn't be too hard to find figures and horses Gorby. O-Scale is roughly 1/48 scale maybe a little bigger around 1/43 but close enough. 

 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/O_scale

 

Dennis

or get 1:72 ones and claim they’re Shetlands

[Gorby]

3 hours ago, Corsairfoxfouruncle said:

Shouldn't be too hard to find figures and horses Gorby. O-Scale is roughly 1/48 scale maybe a little bigger around 1/43 but close enough. 

Thanks Dennis, i did think of that but unfortunately the Tamiya people figures are a little under scale and the O-scale horses always seem to be at the very limits of equine giantness. They would just look silly posed together. I'm going to have a look at smaller scales because if they are also the biggest horses in scale creation they may be usable. 

[Bonhoff]

On 3/1/2020 at 8:16 AM, Gorby said:

I suspect that there may have been quite a lot of Mexican bandit urine available.

On account that they've just wet themselves laughing?

[Bonhoff]

And while I think about it - Would our colonial cousins know about Cricket, Croquet and Bowls so they could lay down said surfaces correctly?

 

Or would they rely on a train of snooker tables that they move from the back wheels of the landthingy to the front?

 

We should be told.

[Pete in Lincs]

11 hours ago, LostCosmonauts said:

or get 1:72 ones and claim they’re Shetlands

In Mexico? Ay Caramba! They'd never get across the Rio Grande. Do be serious old chap!