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Short Jokes III - Worst in the Series


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A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said, "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

 

Simon.

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People keep asking: "Is  the  Corona  virus REALLY all that serious?"  Listen, the churches and casinos are closed. 

 

When heaven and hell agree on the same thing,  it's probably pretty serious.

 

You know those car commercials where there's only  one vehicle on the road? 

Doesn't seem so unrealistic these days.        

 

Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money!! 

Edited by Whofan
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On 5/13/2020 at 2:09 PM, Red Dot said:

I was standing next to an old lady at a cash machine. She asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

The real case.  One good friend of mine, who worked for a long time in the criminal police and then headed the security service in the company where I worked, said:

"I don’t understand what this

accounting

balance  of yours is!

I know only one correct balance......when you get drunk on the street and keep your balance so that you don’t fall!"

😁

 

B.R.

Serge

 

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Another real case.

A friend I had was a RUC/PSNI  Detective, Once whilst having a coffee in a cafe in Belfast he says to me 'I solved an old case using one of the oldest jokes going'

He was put on what is sometimes referred to as a 'cold case', an old unsolved crime

After reviewing the evidence he had brought in the most likely suspect

Under interview my friend says ' Look we know you were involved, we have some of your finger prints from the scene'

Crim replies, 'Can't have, I wore gloves (on that job)'

 

There's more;

so my friend says 'no you didn't, you left finger prints all over the place'

Crim says ' I did wear gloves, I can prove it, XX and YY were with me, They wore gloves too. We all wore gloves. We buried the gloves and guns up in (name of place)'

 

Said place was searched and gloves and guns found. Presented with all this all three were charged and got special sentences under the N.I. Agreement, but old case solved.

 

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In a previous incarnation I was a prosecutor, and had a lot of contact with the police. One evening, after a long day in court, a bunch of us retreated to a local hostelry (as one does ...) to wash away the day's dust. Inevitably, the topic of discussion turned to shop. One of my copper mates said "You know, we'd get lots fewer convictions if we weren't dealing with crims - they're so (expletive deleted) STUPID!!"

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On 5/18/2020 at 10:28 PM, Black Knight said:

He was put on what is sometimes referred to as a 'cold case', an old unsolved crime

In the post-Soviet space, such matters have a certain degree of division into next police

term slang:

- "Visyak"

- "Gluhar".


"Visyak" (hanging ....

or as

the computer froze) - this is when the "case" hung in the investigation process and the "Gluhar" ("wood grouse")- this is when from the first minutes the cops understand that they will never investigate this case.

 

I think your story was a typical  "Visyak"!

😁

On 5/18/2020 at 10:28 PM, Black Knight said:

Said place was searched and gloves and guns found. Presented with all this all three were charged and got special sentences under the N.I.

Agreement, but old case solved.

Have they been nominated for:

"Crime idiot of the Year!" ?

😉😁

I will not vouch for the veracity of this story, because the one who told me it is a little  liar. 

 

Evening. Dusk.  The company of middle-aged

brutal guys gathered in a quiet city 

street dead end,

 near their houses to smoke ... for smoke something that is not related to tobacco.

 

Smoking....all of a sudden one of the company makes terrible frightened eyes and shouts: "Alarm, cops!"....the smoke company begins to scatter in different directions, someone jumps over the fence, someone tries to escape along the roofs of the sheds ... but after 10 meters they all stop ...because everyone has about the same thought in their brain: “Stop! What are the cops? But then who are we?”....

the following thought was also the same for everyone: "Where is this idiot joker ???"

😁

  

B.R.

Serge

 

P.S. Really liked this caricature:

866958_original.jpg

😁😁

 

 

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An overweight time traveller visits ancient Rome and quickly realises he's wearing historically incorrect clothes for the period.

 

He goes into a toga shop to purchase new clothes. As he looks around the shop and realises they do not have togas big enough to fit him so he goes to the counter

and asks the assistant,  "Do you have XL togas?"

 

"Well, yes," was the reply, "But why do you need so many?"

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Now I've mown my lawn, I'm going to water it with vodka. That way it should come up half cut.

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It's amazing what you can achieve with a very long lens, some split-second timing and a lot of luck:

 

spacer.png

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I went jogging this evening. I'd only been out of the house for 2 minutes when I remembered something and had to go home.

 

I remembered I'm too fat to jog.

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34 minutes ago, sinnerboy said:

I went jogging this evening. I'd only been out of the house for 2 minutes when I remembered something and had to go home.

 

I remembered I'm too fat to jog.

Welcome to the club.:rofl2:

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The retired Army officer we were renting our country cottage to has done a runner owing us six months rent.

 

He told me he was a General, but now he is a left tenant.

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My wife and I are maintaining full social distancing during this pandemic.  I make sure there are two meters between us...... the gas one at the back of the house and the electricity one at the front. :poke:

 

Mike

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