Short Jokes III - Worst in the Series

[Kiwidave4 2,624]

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him,  "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift:-

you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth".

The man thought for a moment and said,  "I'll take the wisdom".

"Wisdom is yours" said the angel, disappearing in another puff of smoke.

The smoke had barely cleared before the man thought, "I should really have taken the money!!"

[JohnT 2,384]

***** SCAM ALERT *****

If you receive an e-mail with the subject line "Two free tickets to Scotland's next home game at Hampden

DO NO OPEN IT.

It does actually contain two tickets....

 

 

actually its it’s not funny though as a Scot I find that I either laugh or cry, mostly cry at the state of our footie 

[Kiwidave4 2,624]

Paid a bloke up front to make me a double bed.

 

He has only done a bunk.

[Kiwidave4 2,624]

Recently I seem to have become addicted to seaweed.

 

My wife says I need to seek help.

[Roger Newsome 4,655]

5 minutes ago, Kiwidave4 said:

Recently I seem to have become addicted to seaweed.

 

My wife says I need to seek help.

I have a hunch auto correct might have ruined the punchline on that one.

Or is it very subtle?

Edited September 11, 2019 by Roger Newsome

[roginoz 309]

........see kelp .......??

[Roger Newsome 4,655]

11 minutes ago, roginoz said:

........see kelp .......??

Or sea kelp?

[Kiwidave4 2,624]

10 hours ago, Roger Newsome said:

I have a hunch auto correct might have ruined the punchline on that one.

Or is it very subtle?

 

No ruined punchline...it is really a verbal gag and I dont like to make things too easy!

[Roger Newsome 4,655]

10 minutes ago, Kiwidave4 said:

 

No ruined punchline...it is really a verbal gag and I dont like to make things too easy!

It probably didnt require analysing if the truth be known.

[CedB 54,428]

[Kiwidave4 2,624]

Just finished reading a very short book about the Battle of Arnhem.

 

Abridged Too Far.

 

[jenko 4,222]

I was at the buffet last night and thought I would eat all the prawns and mussels ……………………….. Then I thought … that would be shellfish.

[TonyG 65]

My ex said she would dance on my grave when I'm gone. So I'm going to buried at sea.

[Worms 996]

I strolled down the garden to stand and look at the wife's grave this morning....


She thinks I'm digging a pond...

[Kiwidave4 2,624]

12 hours ago, jenko said:

I was at the buffet last night and thought I would eat all the prawns and mussels ……………………….. Then I thought … that would be shellfish.

 

The last time I went to a sea food buffet I managed to pull a mussel.

[jenko 4,222]

6 hours ago, Kiwidave4 said:

 

The last time I went to a sea food buffet I managed to pull a mussel.

The film has a XXX rating as it's prawnographic.

[Fatcawthorne 807]

A Manchester City fan goes into a travel agents and asks for a recomendation for his holidays.  "Well you can't beat the Canaries at this time of year!", came the agent's reply! 

Edited September 16, 2019 by Fatcawthorne

[Worms 996]

Angela Merkel steps off the plane in Greece and heads for customs. The customs officer looks her up and down and asks for her passport...

 

"Name please"

"Angela Merkel"

"Age?"

"Sixty five"

"Address?"

"Bundeskanzleramt, Berlin."

"Occupation?"

"Nein, just a holiday."..........

[GordonD 2,670]

[Kiwidave4 2,624]

The wife was looking through a magazine and said to me, "Look at these outfits."

 

She held up a page with some 'Celebrities' at some do. I recognised one as Beyonce, so I said, "Thats Beyonce, always quite fancied her."

 

Wife shrugged and said, "Whatever floats your boat."

 

I said, "No, thats buoyancy."

 

 

[Aardvark 2,233]

B.R.

Serge

[Kiwidave4 2,624]

An attractive young lady arrived at church one Sunday morning wearing a see through blouse.

 

The vicar politely said, "Miss I'm afraid you may not enter dressed like that."

 

The woman said, "But I have a divine right."

 

The vicar said, "Yes, and you also have a divine left, but you cant come in dressed like that."

[Spookytooth 8,857]

A man took up bee keeping as a hobby. He bought 12 bees with equipment for £100. When he counted them though, there were 13 bees. When he asked the seller, he was told 'ah, well that's a freebee' .

 

Simon.

[-Ian- 49]

I was in the pub doing a crossword and said to my Scottish mate "I'm stuck on this one. Stranded on a desert island,8 letters, first letter is M".

 

He said "marooned".

 

"Thanks" I said, "I'll have a pint of lager"

 

[Silenoz 1,197]