Kiwidave4 3,487 Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift:- you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth". The man thought for a moment and said, "I'll take the wisdom". "Wisdom is yours" said the angel, disappearing in another puff of smoke. The smoke had barely cleared before the man thought, "I should really have taken the money!!" 1 6 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnT 3,796 Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 ***** SCAM ALERT ***** If you receive an e-mail with the subject line "Two free tickets to Scotland's next home game at Hampden DO NO OPEN IT. It does actually contain two tickets.... actually its it’s not funny though as a Scot I find that I either laugh or cry, mostly cry at the state of our footie 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kiwidave4 3,487 Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 Paid a bloke up front to make me a double bed. He has only done a bunk. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Kiwidave4 3,487 Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 Recently I seem to have become addicted to seaweed. My wife says I need to seek help. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Roger Newsome 5,635 Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Kiwidave4 said: Recently I seem to have become addicted to seaweed. My wife says I need to seek help. I have a hunch auto correct might have ruined the punchline on that one. Or is it very subtle? Edited September 11, 2019 by Roger Newsome 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
roginoz 536 Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 ........see kelp .......?? Link to post Share on other sites
Roger Newsome 5,635 Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 11 minutes ago, roginoz said: ........see kelp .......?? Or sea kelp? Link to post Share on other sites
Kiwidave4 3,487 Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 10 hours ago, Roger Newsome said: I have a hunch auto correct might have ruined the punchline on that one. Or is it very subtle? No ruined punchline...it is really a verbal gag and I dont like to make things too easy! 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Roger Newsome 5,635 Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 10 minutes ago, Kiwidave4 said: No ruined punchline...it is really a verbal gag and I dont like to make things too easy! It probably didnt require analysing if the truth be known. Link to post Share on other sites
CedB 65,622 Posted September 12, 2019 Share Posted September 12, 2019 16 Link to post Share on other sites
Kiwidave4 3,487 Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 Just finished reading a very short book about the Battle of Arnhem. Abridged Too Far. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
jenko 5,318 Posted September 15, 2019 Share Posted September 15, 2019 I was at the buffet last night and thought I would eat all the prawns and mussels ……………………….. Then I thought … that would be shellfish. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TonyG 75 Posted September 15, 2019 Share Posted September 15, 2019 My ex said she would dance on my grave when I'm gone. So I'm going to buried at sea. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Worms 1,024 Posted September 15, 2019 Share Posted September 15, 2019 I strolled down the garden to stand and look at the wife's grave this morning.... She thinks I'm digging a pond... 13 Link to post Share on other sites
Kiwidave4 3,487 Posted September 15, 2019 Share Posted September 15, 2019 12 hours ago, jenko said: I was at the buffet last night and thought I would eat all the prawns and mussels ……………………….. Then I thought … that would be shellfish. The last time I went to a sea food buffet I managed to pull a mussel. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jenko 5,318 Posted September 16, 2019 Share Posted September 16, 2019 6 hours ago, Kiwidave4 said: The last time I went to a sea food buffet I managed to pull a mussel. The film has a XXX rating as it's prawnographic. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Fatcawthorne 1,171 Posted September 16, 2019 Share Posted September 16, 2019 (edited) A Manchester City fan goes into a travel agents and asks for a recomendation for his holidays. "Well you can't beat the Canaries at this time of year!", came the agent's reply! Edited September 16, 2019 by Fatcawthorne 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Worms 1,024 Posted September 17, 2019 Share Posted September 17, 2019 Angela Merkel steps off the plane in Greece and heads for customs. The customs officer looks her up and down and asks for her passport... "Name please" "Angela Merkel" "Age?" "Sixty five" "Address?" "Bundeskanzleramt, Berlin." "Occupation?" "Nein, just a holiday.".......... 1 6 Link to post Share on other sites
GordonD 3,416 Posted September 19, 2019 Share Posted September 19, 2019 2 12 Link to post Share on other sites
Kiwidave4 3,487 Posted September 21, 2019 Share Posted September 21, 2019 The wife was looking through a magazine and said to me, "Look at these outfits." She held up a page with some 'Celebrities' at some do. I recognised one as Beyonce, so I said, "Thats Beyonce, always quite fancied her." Wife shrugged and said, "Whatever floats your boat." I said, "No, thats buoyancy." 1 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Aardvark 3,583 Posted September 21, 2019 Share Posted September 21, 2019 B.R. Serge Link to post Share on other sites
Kiwidave4 3,487 Posted September 21, 2019 Share Posted September 21, 2019 An attractive young lady arrived at church one Sunday morning wearing a see through blouse. The vicar politely said, "Miss I'm afraid you may not enter dressed like that." The woman said, "But I have a divine right." The vicar said, "Yes, and you also have a divine left, but you cant come in dressed like that." 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Spookytooth 11,300 Posted September 25, 2019 Share Posted September 25, 2019 A man took up bee keeping as a hobby. He bought 12 bees with equipment for £100. When he counted them though, there were 13 bees. When he asked the seller, he was told 'ah, well that's a freebee' . Simon. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
-Ian- 307 Posted September 26, 2019 Share Posted September 26, 2019 I was in the pub doing a crossword and said to my Scottish mate "I'm stuck on this one. Stranded on a desert island,8 letters, first letter is M". He said "marooned". "Thanks" I said, "I'll have a pint of lager" 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Silenoz 1,476 Posted September 26, 2019 Share Posted September 26, 2019 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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