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As a result of the close-down of the UK by the British Government last night, we have made all the Buy/Sell areas read-only until we open back up again, so please have a look at the announcement linked here.

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Bonhoff

Short Jokes III - Worst in the Series

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A woman was sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leant toward her and asked, “Do you mind if I say a word?”

“No, go right ahead,” the woman replied.

The man stood, cleared his throat, said, “Plethora!”, and sat down.

“Thank you.” the woman said, “That means a lot.”

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Mary had a little lamb

The doctor was surprised.

When Old Macdonald had a farm

The doctor almost died.

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It's grey, drizzly and we're watching the TV news with riots going on in Hong Kong and riots in Russia. How depressing.

 

Thankfully we've booked a weekend break in Paris.

Edited by Truro Model Builder

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"Do you have headaches, nausea, blurred vision and intermittent hearing?" 

 

"Yes Doctor." 

 

"Are you irritable, cranky, short-tempered, tired and miserable?" 

 

"Yes Doctor." 

 

"Have you had a bang to the head and can't sleep properly?" 

 

"Yes Doctor. Is it concussion?" 

 

"No, you're just married."

 

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I've decided that I need to make more friends. 

So I've bought a DIY home cloning kit.

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Bumped into Cat Stevens fixing his caravan.

 

Awning had broken....

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Our fuse box blew this morning so I rang the local Sparky. I had to go out so left the wife in charge.

 

When I got home the wife said, "It's all working now, Ian did great job".

 

"Ian? I thought his name is Jim".

 

"Well", she replied, "it said ELECTRIC IAN on his van".

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I haven't posted this one for a while...

 

Blonde drives into a garage and asks if they can sell her a seven-hundred-and-ten. The mechanics haven't got a clue what she's talking about and ask for more information. She says, "Well, I don't know what it does but it's a little round thing that fits in the engine and it says 'Seven hundred and ten' on it. The one from my engine has fallen off and I can't find it." The mechanics are none the wiser and ask her to point to the area of the engine where this thing goes. She opens the bonnet and looks in and suddenly gives a squeal of delight. "There it is!" she says, and reaches down into the engine and pulls out a part that had got wedged in there. She shows it to the mechanics. "See? It's a seven-hundred-and-ten!"

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I got invited to a fancy dress party by our new neighbour who arrived recently from Birmingham. He said the theme was "spice".

 

So I went dressed as a chilli pepper, but when I got there, everyone else was dressed as astronauts.

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A man is caught in a traffic jam, when suddenly someone knocks on his window. He turn the window down, and the man tells him the complete gouvernement has been taken hostage, and the ransom is 1M£ or they will burn them alive. 

 

Ok says the guy, what do most people give?

 

5 gallons...

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One neighbour calling to another:

 

Your son is playing in my garden again

 

                    Oh boy, not this again..

 

He's not wearing pants and he's chasing my dog

 

                    So what, boys will be boys

,

They sure will, but your's is 24 and drunk...

 

Edited by Silenoz

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Mrs Smith your son is spoilt

 

No he's not

 

well at least come and see what the steam roller has done to him

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On ‎7‎/‎29‎/‎2019 at 11:34 AM, Bonhoff said:

Bumped into Cat Stevens fixing his caravan.

 

Awning had broken....

that's so bad, its brilliant 🤣

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13 minutes ago, sinnerboy said:

Mrs Smith your son is spoilt

 

No he's not

 

well at least come and see what the steam roller has done to him

A bit like her son,it fell flat....

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10 minutes ago, Vince1159 said:

A bit like her son,it fell flat....

Oh...…. I thought you'd be inpressed ...sorry

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The son was going flat out.

Was he a squash player?

Did he charge the flat rate?

Is he now board stiff?

 

Dick

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On 6/17/2019 at 1:25 AM, Bonhoff said:

The Beach Boys have given up touring and gone into lawn maintenance.

 

Turfing USA....

 

IanJ

Gone blue as well because 'everybody's gone smurfing, smurfing USA!'

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I caught my wife melting down her wedding ring then recasting it into the shape of a bullet, so was wondering if my marriage might need a little bit of attention. 

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I'm making a fortune out of promoting home security systems. The pitch is easy; all I do is say, "Hello".

 

At three in the morning. While sitting on the end of their bed.

Edited by Truro Model Builder

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1 minute ago, Truro Model Builder said:

I'm applying for a job at a circumcision clinic.

Good luck with that. Apparently many cuts are being implemented.

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As the rabbi said to the lad who wouldn't stop crying, "Don't worry, son, it won't be long now."

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30 minutes ago, pigsty said:

As the rabbi said to the lad who wouldn't stop crying, "Don't worry, son, it won't be long now."

It’s an optimistic religion, imagine cutting bits off before you know how long it will get!!!

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