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Bonhoff

Short Jokes III - Worst in the Series

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There's a reason why you lot are isolated on a couple of small islands ...

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On ‎11‎/‎4‎/‎2018 at 9:23 AM, Kiwidave4 said:

 

 

Now I just don't know what to do with my shelf.

 

 

Put up some paint racks atop.

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“A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Hope, no Cash and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die!” – Bill Murray

 

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14 hours ago, Kiwidave4 said:

I hear there's a new Irish dancing show called ‘Streamdance’.

 

It’s similar to ‘Riverdance’, but it is only a tributary act.

May I refer you to Post 43...

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I knew a pirate once, had to give it up when his ship caught fire.

Apparently it was aaaaarson.

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The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."

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On ‎11‎/‎10‎/‎2018 at 4:11 PM, TonyG said:

I knew a pirate once, had to give it up when his ship caught fire.

Apparently it was aaaaarson.

what did the Octogenarian pirate say?

 

Aye matey 

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Did you know that 3.14% of sailors are Pi rates ?

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You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

 

 

Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

The don’t meet the koalafications.

 

 

How did the blonde die ice fishing?

She was hit by the zamboni.

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I have been trying to organise a hide and seek tournament for weeks now but its proving difficult.

 

Good players are so hard to find.

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Breaking news! The Miss Universe pageant is fixed.

 

All the winners are from Earth.

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The groundsman is doing the professional a favour: he's nipped out to get some spare balls, but then he realises he's forgotten his bag.  There's no time to fetch it so he just stuffs his trouser pockets full of golf balls.

 

On the bus, a woman finds she can't help looking curiously at him and the strange bulges in the front of his trousers.  He gets more and more uncomfortable with it, until he gives in and leans over.  "It's golf balls," he says.

 

She carries on staring and takes on a thoughtful expression.  "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?" she asks.

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I asked the professional what was wrong with my golf game.

He told me that I was standing too close to the ball.....after I'd hit it!

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I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school and that people use tablets nowadays, then handed me her iPad.

 

 

That fly didn’t stand a chance.

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Friend of mine only has one arm. I saw him yesterday and he told me he was going to change a lightbulb.

 

"So how do you manage that, then?" I asked.

 

He said, "I've still got the receipt!"

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Surveys have shown that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy.

 

Q. Why don't polar bears eat penguins?

 

(All together now...)

 

A. Because they can't get the wrappers off.

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Botox used to be controversial, but now when you mention it, no-one raises an eyebrow.

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I often wonder though. Will the use of botox ever be frowned upon?

 

 

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My local gymnastics club is quite picky about membership.  They make you bend over backwards to get in.

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39 minutes ago, pigsty said:

My local gymnastics club is quite picky about membership.  They make you bend over backwards to get in.

They asked me how flexible I was.

well I said " I can do Tuesdays & Thursdays"

 

 

 

( thanks Tommy)

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