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Short Jokes III - Worst in the Series


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I'm going to teach my dog how to play the trumpet on the London Underground.

 

We'll get from Barking to Tooting in no time at all...

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9 hours ago, Bonhoff said:

I'm going to teach my dog how to play the trumpet on the London Underground.

 

We'll get from Barking to Tooting in no time at all...

We've been barking for years, mate ...

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I had dinner with number 1 son last night. . .  . . .no, thats not the joke

 

He came out with;

A man goes to the doctor.

Doctor, I have always wanted to be a supermarket

'How long have you had these thoughts?'

Ever since I was Lidl

 

Then no.1  says to me

That ASDA be the worst joke you ever heard

 

BTW no.1 is well over 21+

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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

 

Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny.

 

I called the wrong number today. I said 'Hello, is Joey there?'

A woman answered and she said 'Yes he is.' And I said ‘Can I speak to him please?’

She said ‘No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only two months old.'

I said 'Alright, I’ll wait.'

 

When we were driving over the border back into the United States, they asked me if I had any firearms.

I said what do you need?

 

-Steven Wright

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28 minutes ago, Tzulscha said:

Steven Wright

I love Steven Wright's stuff. My favourite is:

 

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".

So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

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Cow stumbles into pot field. The steaks have never been higher .

 

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.

 

Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again

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My mum said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

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Esther Rantzen walks into a pub and says "Can I have a large aperitif?" 

 

The barman says  "I doubt it"

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People have noticed that I’ve been listening to too much 80’s Australian rock music lately.

 

You might say in excess.

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When we were on holiday in Scotland earlier this year, we were told the difference between Glaswegians and people from Edinburgh.

 

If you visit someone in Glasgow. they'll say “You'll be needin yer tea”.

 

In Edinburgh it's “You'll have had yer tea”.

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6 hours ago, Bullbasket said:

Ah, Hamish and Dougal.

A relative of my wife's was from Edinburgh and he was a typical 'Luvvie' (producer for films in his case)

His one was 'The kettle's on,did you bring your own sandwiches?' He moved west but still kept up the stereotype.

Edinburgh folk were all fur coats and nae knickers as far as Glaswegians were concerned.

Still friendly rivalry between the cities although I don't know how serious it is taken today.

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A man is walking along when he finds a bottle half-buried in the ground.  He pries it out and gives the front a rub to see what's on the label.  Suddenly a genie pops out.

 

"You have freed me from my bondage," says the genie.  "In gratitude I will grant you three wishes.  Anything you want, say it and it shall be my command."

 

The man ponders the bottle.  "Alright," he says, "how about a bottle of beer that never runs dry?"  "It is done," says the genie.  The man takes a pull at the bottle and finds it good.  He has another, and another, and in no time the bottle is nearly empty.  He takes another pull and the beer just carries on.  "This is good," he thinks, and keeps going.

 

After an hour or so, the genie starts checking his watch.  "O my deliverer," he says, "what are your other two wishes?"

 

"Gimme two more o'theshe!" the man replies.

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