Bonhoff 2,930 Posted September 6, 2018 Share Posted September 6, 2018 Conjunctivitis.com - A site for sore eyes... 12 Link to post Share on other sites
Rob G 3,410 Posted September 6, 2018 Share Posted September 6, 2018 I tried to start a website for women drivers.... it kept crashing. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
Bonhoff 2,930 Posted September 6, 2018 Author Share Posted September 6, 2018 I'm going to teach my dog how to play the trumpet on the London Underground. We'll get from Barking to Tooting in no time at all... 2 1 12 Link to post Share on other sites
Admiral Puff 2,123 Posted September 6, 2018 Share Posted September 6, 2018 9 hours ago, Bonhoff said: I'm going to teach my dog how to play the trumpet on the London Underground. We'll get from Barking to Tooting in no time at all... We've been barking for years, mate ... 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites
593jones 1,153 Posted September 8, 2018 Share Posted September 8, 2018 You can Bank on that 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kiwidave4 3,372 Posted September 9, 2018 Share Posted September 9, 2018 I just got back from hospital.......... They reckon I might have Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. But at the moment it's hard to say 1 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Truro Model Builder 5,229 Posted September 9, 2018 Share Posted September 9, 2018 A friend of mine has OCD. I bougt him a framed photo of the leaning tower of Pisa for his birthday. He's going nuts trying to hang it up straight. 1 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Kiwidave4 3,372 Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 A number of local toy-shops have reported that they have had kaleidoscopes stolen. A police spokesperson said they believe a pattern is forming. 1 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Black Knight 6,229 Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 I had dinner with number 1 son last night. . . . . .no, thats not the joke He came out with; A man goes to the doctor. Doctor, I have always wanted to be a supermarket 'How long have you had these thoughts?' Ever since I was Lidl Then no.1 says to me That ASDA be the worst joke you ever heard BTW no.1 is well over 21+ 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Kiwidave4 3,372 Posted September 14, 2018 Share Posted September 14, 2018 I was in the hardware shop this morning and asked this bloke, "What gets rid of grime and tough stains?" "Ammonia cleaner", he replied. "Sorry", I said, "I thought you worked here" 9 Link to post Share on other sites
nheather 900 Posted September 15, 2018 Share Posted September 15, 2018 Won first prize in a competition, a year’s supply of Marmite. Yes you heard that right, a whole jar. Cheers, Nigel 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Tzulscha 2,516 Posted September 16, 2018 Share Posted September 16, 2018 I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him. Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny. I called the wrong number today. I said 'Hello, is Joey there?' A woman answered and she said 'Yes he is.' And I said ‘Can I speak to him please?’ She said ‘No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only two months old.' I said 'Alright, I’ll wait.' When we were driving over the border back into the United States, they asked me if I had any firearms. I said what do you need? -Steven Wright 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Gorby 6,182 Posted September 16, 2018 Share Posted September 16, 2018 28 minutes ago, Tzulscha said: Steven Wright I love Steven Wright's stuff. My favourite is: I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. 1 7 Link to post Share on other sites
huvut76g7gbbui7 4,167 Posted September 22, 2018 Share Posted September 22, 2018 “We had the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow this year. A great choice of venue: a place where people think Hepatitis B is a vitamin.” Frankie Boyle. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Mick4350 1,473 Posted September 25, 2018 Share Posted September 25, 2018 Cow stumbles into pot field. The steaks have never been higher . I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y. Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again 1 12 Link to post Share on other sites
huvut76g7gbbui7 4,167 Posted September 25, 2018 Share Posted September 25, 2018 My mum said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn 12 Link to post Share on other sites
Bonhoff 2,930 Posted September 27, 2018 Author Share Posted September 27, 2018 Esther Rantzen walks into a pub and says "Can I have a large aperitif?" The barman says "I doubt it" 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Bonhoff 2,930 Posted September 27, 2018 Author Share Posted September 27, 2018 People have noticed that I’ve been listening to too much 80’s Australian rock music lately. You might say in excess. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mick4350 1,473 Posted September 27, 2018 Share Posted September 27, 2018 Forget world peace, visualize using your turn signal. Life is short. If you can't laugh at yourself. Call me, I will. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
huvut76g7gbbui7 4,167 Posted September 30, 2018 Share Posted September 30, 2018 “Edinburgh and Glasgow, same country, two very different cities. When a gun goes off in Edinburgh, it’s one o’clock” – Kevin Bridges R 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Gorby 6,182 Posted September 30, 2018 Share Posted September 30, 2018 When we were on holiday in Scotland earlier this year, we were told the difference between Glaswegians and people from Edinburgh. If you visit someone in Glasgow. they'll say “You'll be needin yer tea”. In Edinburgh it's “You'll have had yer tea”. 1 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Bullbasket 11,390 Posted October 1, 2018 Share Posted October 1, 2018 15 hours ago, Gorby said: “You'll have had yer tea”. Ah, Hamish and Dougal. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
huvut76g7gbbui7 4,167 Posted October 1, 2018 Share Posted October 1, 2018 6 hours ago, Bullbasket said: Ah, Hamish and Dougal. A relative of my wife's was from Edinburgh and he was a typical 'Luvvie' (producer for films in his case) His one was 'The kettle's on,did you bring your own sandwiches?' He moved west but still kept up the stereotype. Edinburgh folk were all fur coats and nae knickers as far as Glaswegians were concerned. Still friendly rivalry between the cities although I don't know how serious it is taken today. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
huvut76g7gbbui7 4,167 Posted October 4, 2018 Share Posted October 4, 2018 Ban pre-shredded cheese…. Make America grate again!! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
pigsty 1,584 Posted October 4, 2018 Share Posted October 4, 2018 A man is walking along when he finds a bottle half-buried in the ground. He pries it out and gives the front a rub to see what's on the label. Suddenly a genie pops out. "You have freed me from my bondage," says the genie. "In gratitude I will grant you three wishes. Anything you want, say it and it shall be my command." The man ponders the bottle. "Alright," he says, "how about a bottle of beer that never runs dry?" "It is done," says the genie. The man takes a pull at the bottle and finds it good. He has another, and another, and in no time the bottle is nearly empty. He takes another pull and the beer just carries on. "This is good," he thinks, and keeps going. After an hour or so, the genie starts checking his watch. "O my deliverer," he says, "what are your other two wishes?" "Gimme two more o'theshe!" the man replies. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
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