Short Jokes III - Worst in the Series

[Bonhoff 2,512]

Conjunctivitis.com  - A site for sore eyes...

 

 

[Rob G 3,957]

I tried to start a website for women drivers....

 

it kept crashing.

[Bonhoff 2,512]

I'm going to teach my dog how to play the trumpet on the London Underground.

 

We'll get from Barking to Tooting in no time at all...

[Admiral Puff 2,913]

9 hours ago, Bonhoff said:

I'm going to teach my dog how to play the trumpet on the London Underground.

 

We'll get from Barking to Tooting in no time at all...

We've been barking for years, mate ...

[593jones 702]

You can Bank on that

[Kiwidave4 1,653]

I just got back from hospital..........

 

They reckon I might have Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

 

But at the moment it's hard to say

[Truro Model Builder 4,772]

A friend of mine has OCD. I bougt him a framed photo of the leaning tower of Pisa for his birthday. He's going nuts trying to hang it up straight.

[Kiwidave4 1,653]

A number of local toy-shops have reported that they have had kaleidoscopes stolen.

A police spokesperson said they believe a pattern is forming.

[Black Knight 4,870]

I had dinner with number 1 son last night. . .  . . .no, thats not the joke

 

He came out with;

A man goes to the doctor.

Doctor, I have always wanted to be a supermarket

'How long have you had these thoughts?'

Ever since I was Lidl

 

Then no.1  says to me

That ASDA be the worst joke you ever heard

 

BTW no.1 is well over 21+

[Kiwidave4 1,653]

I was in the hardware shop this morning and asked this bloke, "What gets rid of grime and tough stains?"

"Ammonia cleaner", he replied.

"Sorry", I said, "I thought you worked here"

[nheather 303]

Won first prize in a competition, a year’s supply of Marmite.

 

Yes you heard that right, a whole jar.

 

Cheers,

 

Nigel

[Tzulscha 2,979]

I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

 

Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny.

 

I called the wrong number today. I said 'Hello, is Joey there?'

A woman answered and she said 'Yes he is.' And I said ‘Can I speak to him please?’

She said ‘No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only two months old.'

I said 'Alright, I’ll wait.'

 

When we were driving over the border back into the United States, they asked me if I had any firearms.

I said what do you need?

 

-Steven Wright

[Gorby 6,235]

28 minutes ago, Tzulscha said:

Steven Wright

I love Steven Wright's stuff. My favourite is:

 

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".

So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

[Scimitar 7,584]

“We had the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow this year. A great choice of venue: a place where people think Hepatitis B is a vitamin.”

Frankie Boyle.

[Mick4350 865]

Cow stumbles into pot field. The steaks have never been higher .

 

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.

 

Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again

[Scimitar 7,584]

My mum said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

[Bonhoff 2,512]

Esther Rantzen walks into a pub and says "Can I have a large aperitif?" 

 

The barman says  "I doubt it"

[Bonhoff 2,512]

People have noticed that I’ve been listening to too much 80’s Australian rock music lately.

 

You might say in excess.

[Mick4350 865]

Forget world peace, visualize using your turn signal.

 

Life is short. If you can't laugh at yourself. Call me,  I will.

[Scimitar 7,584]

“Edinburgh and Glasgow, same country, two very different cities. When a gun goes off in Edinburgh, it’s one o’clock” – Kevin Bridges

R

[Gorby 6,235]

When we were on holiday in Scotland earlier this year, we were told the difference between Glaswegians and people from Edinburgh.

 

If you visit someone in Glasgow. they'll say “You'll be needin yer tea”.

 

In Edinburgh it's “You'll have had yer tea”.

[Bullbasket 6,081]

15 hours ago, Gorby said:

“You'll have had yer tea”.

Ah, Hamish and Dougal.

[Scimitar 7,584]

6 hours ago, Bullbasket said:

Ah, Hamish and Dougal.

A relative of my wife's was from Edinburgh and he was a typical 'Luvvie' (producer for films in his case)

His one was 'The kettle's on,did you bring your own sandwiches?' He moved west but still kept up the stereotype.

Edinburgh folk were all fur coats and nae knickers as far as Glaswegians were concerned.

Still friendly rivalry between the cities although I don't know how serious it is taken today.

[Scimitar 7,584]

Ban pre-shredded cheese…. Make America grate again!!

[pigsty 1,285]

A man is walking along when he finds a bottle half-buried in the ground.  He pries it out and gives the front a rub to see what's on the label.  Suddenly a genie pops out.

 

"You have freed me from my bondage," says the genie.  "In gratitude I will grant you three wishes.  Anything you want, say it and it shall be my command."

 

The man ponders the bottle.  "Alright," he says, "how about a bottle of beer that never runs dry?"  "It is done," says the genie.  The man takes a pull at the bottle and finds it good.  He has another, and another, and in no time the bottle is nearly empty.  He takes another pull and the beer just carries on.  "This is good," he thinks, and keeps going.

 

After an hour or so, the genie starts checking his watch.  "O my deliverer," he says, "what are your other two wishes?"

 

"Gimme two more o'theshe!" the man replies.