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pigsty

Laws you never knew existed

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Ignorance of the law is no defence, they say.  So as a public service I thought I'd explain some laws you may not realise apply.  All of them are based on observation of what we all get up to - people stick to them so rigidly, there must a law that makes them do it.

 

First, the transport section.

 

The speed limit on any derestricted road (except a motorway) is 40 mph.  That’s why, if I drive any distance, you’ll find me eight cars behind someone resolutely sticking to 40, with another twenty cars behind me, all as frustrated as I am.  And it’s not all old boys wearing hats.

Section 2 provides that The speed limit on any road in a built-up area is 10 mph below what either the Highway Code or the speed limit signs say.

 

All speed cameras are set to 30 mph, regardless of the speed limit on the road in question.  This is the only possible explanation for the behaviour of drivers on the A23 south of Coulsdon.

Section 2 provides that All speed cameras on motorways are set to 150 mph.  This is the only possible explanation for the behaviour of many other drivers.

 

Lorries are not allowed to travel at the same speed.  That’s why, every few miles on a motorway, you’ll find a lorry in the middle lane, creeping past another in the inside lane at a net speed of 1 mph, while everyone else tries to squeeze past in the outside lane behind the old boy who won’t go over 55.  Especially on a long hill.

 

Anyone digging a hole in the road is required to fill it every night with beer cans and McDonald’s wrappers.

 

And now, some others.

 

When a shop closes, the owner must fill the window with posters for a circus that finished a month ago.

Section 2 provides that Providers of utility services, credit cards, taxi services etc must, at their own expense, push enough envelopes and flyers through the letterbox to make opening the door impossible.

 

Duvet covers must have four corners, while duvets must have at least five.  This must be true - how else do you explain the struggle of fitting a duvet cover?

 

All landowners with hedgerows on their land must plant plastic bag trees.  Just don’t ask about their fruit.  Suffice to say, it’s black.

 

No twin-engined airliner is allowed to look interesting.  Especially not from the inside.

 

No public toilet may have more than two of the following: a seat; paper; a dry floor; a door with a working lock.

Section 2 provides that No-one using a public toilet is allowed to get it all on target.

 

That's what I've found so far.  Has anyone spotted any others?

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All drivers must stop so that the pedestrian can continue texting.

 

All queues at a cash machine must do so at ninety degrees in order to block the pavement

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All Motorways must have, by law, ongoing roadworks signs and lane closures for at least half of their length. (Work is not compulsory) These must  be accompanied by a speed limit of no more than 40 mph, and average speed cameras. All large goods vehicles must bunch up in the inside lane, in order to obscure the road signs, and block any chance of exiting or stopping at the services.*

 

*See Pigsty's law on public toilets.

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All AUDIs and BMWs must have their speedometers re-calibrated to 15mph+ above the relevant speed limits. They must also be confined to the outside lane of all multi lane roads, except when undertaking.

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All forms of public transport are required by law to employ at least one cougher.

Speed cameras have been programmed to disregard BMW's, Audi's, Mercedes and Range Rovers.

Customer service lines are required by law to subject callers to repeated messages telling them to use their online service instead.

All neighbourhoods are required to broadcast the sound of a dog barking and a drunken argument at 2 am at least once per month during the summer.

Classic motorbikes must have their exhaust audio set to 'whoopie cushion' at all times.

Councils must employ at least 20 strategically placed dodderers in every town centre to help regulate human traffic.

Every person that escapes a city must be replaced by 20 others wired to their handsets.

Farm traffic to be periodically introduced to main roads for fun.

 

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37 minutes ago, bentwaters81tfw said:

All AUDIs and BMWs must have their speedometers re-calibrated to 15mph+ above the relevant speed limits. They must also be confined to the outside lane of all multi lane roads, except when undertaking.

Cos you never break the speed limit, do you Frank? :tease: Or should we call you Saint Frank? :innocent:

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Average Speed Limits only apply within sight of the monitoring cameras.  Or so you'd think. :hmmm: How did so many people really not pay attention during that part of maths at school? :dunce:

 

That's one of the better aspects of cruise control.  I just wish mine was adaptive :pray:

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2 hours ago, Mike said:

Cos you never break the speed limit, do you Frank? :tease: Or should we call you Saint Frank? :innocent:

I set my cruise control at the relevant limit. A little right foot on an empty road does no harm :wicked: just ask Julien. I wish mine was adaptive too.

As you might guess, I have recently experienced the M6. :angrysoapbox.sml:

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1 hour ago, bentwaters81tfw said:

the M6

Nobody's favourite road, and subject to eternal roadworks, over crowding and seriously terrible driving. Since I've been driving there are now over 10m more people in the UK , and very little in the way of improvement in infrastructure (anywhere, not just roads), and a huge deterioration in the quality of the road surface :shrug:

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All buses must arrive at a designated stop no earlier than ten minutes after the advertised time, unless it’s the bus immediately behind which must be ten minutes early and empty.

 

Trevor

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Buses; Buses in Belfast may use the dedicated Bus lane, but preferably use the outer common traffic lane and leave the bus lane empty. Other traffic may never use the bus lane; even when it is outside the prohibited times - to do so incurs a £100 penalty fine

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Roadworks Section 1

When resurfacing a section of road, no liaison should be entered into with any utility companies with reference to scope of work and timescale.

 

Sub section 1 paragraph 1.

Upon completion of said resurfacing, utility companies may then commence work to dig up any part or section thereof to relay, repair or replace underground pipework.

 

Sub section 1 paragraph 2.

Before commencement of any repair work, no notice shall be given with regard to expected timescale and any repairs must be commenced in the dead of night without prior warning. This is especially important in areas of heavy volume of traffic.

 

Sub section 1 paragraph 3.

Upon completion of said repairs, the surface of the road is to be relayed in a haphazard/slipshod fashion to allow for distinctive textural contrast to that of the original surface covering, thus allowing for reasonably sized ridges to assist in the involuntary dis-mounting of cyclists/motorcyclists and to provide a constant throughput to local NHS A&E departments to help maintain bed occupancy to meet agreed government targets.

Edited by cngaero

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Drivers must, on entering their vehicles:

 (a) close their eyes, and

 (b) place their brains in 'Park'

before setting the vehicle in motion, and may not either open their eyes or select another brain setting until the vehicle has come to a complete standstill.

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Flashing hazard lights on an inconveniently parked car (1) gives the driver diplomatic immunity and (2) makes it invisible to parking wardens.

 

Trevor

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If, while on the highway, a mechanical problem occurs on your vehicle you MUST immediately pull over on the shoulder on the fast lane side of the road.

Please leave at least 1/3rd of your vehicle extending into the high speed lane.

Feel free to then get out and wander about the highway.

Hazard lights are optional, especially after dark.

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On 07/07/2018 at 14:03, Mike said:

Average Speed Limits only apply within sight of the monitoring cameras.  Or so you'd think. :hmmm: How did so many people really not pay attention during that part of maths at school? :dunce:

 

I sometimes get an irrational desire, so far successfully resisted and supressed, to pass the first average speed camera under the limit, stop and have a picnic and after a snooze stonk past the second one at 135 mph.  

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BMW and Audi drivers are allowed not to use the mistery stick by the steering wheel...(other drivers call it indicators stalk).

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14 hours ago, JohnT said:

I sometimes get an irrational desire, so far successfully resisted and supressed, to pass the first average speed camera under the limit, stop and have a picnic and after a snooze stonk past the second one at 135 mph.  

:cwl: you'd better hope they don't also have a maximum speed limit set, or you'll get a ticket anyway! :doh: It would be fun to park up, go through a few hours later, and see if you get a ticket for being too slow :dunce:Mind you, they'd probably just ticket you for parking up on a highway anyway :dull:

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Variable speed limits to be set by the Department of Public Nuisance 

 

London Underground passenger management to be handled by the Council of British Tutting

 

The use of military grade squirrels in Royal Parks is now mandatory.

 

Section 2.3. of the Domestic Ineptitude Act will govern the handling of unexploded dogs

 

In a State of Emergency, the Sun will be subject to curfew 

 

Tabby Cats are barred from trading in Gulls. No such restrictions exist for Tortoise Shell breeds

Edited by Nocoolname
Oops

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Sounding a car horn during the hours of darkness is forbidden, except when setting off for home after visiting friends, when it is compulsory.

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18 minutes ago, GordonD said:

Sounding a car horn during the hours of darkness is forbidden, except when setting off for home after visiting friends, when it is compulsory.

Don't forget to also sound your horn when you arrive to pick someone up, as we all know that walking to people's doors, knocking and waiting for them to answer is fraught with danger and very tiring. :dull:

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20 hours ago, GordonD said:

Sounding a car horn during the hours of darkness is forbidden, except when setting off for home after visiting friends, when it is compulsory.

Oh so very true! I live opposite a Salle de Fete (Village Hall), and when there is a "do" there on a Saturday night, it is obligatory to blow the horn when leaving at 4am, just in case the people who you've just shouted "Au revoir" to a 100 decibels, didn't hear you and were unaware that you were leaving.

 

John.

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It is forbidden to use either indicators or rear vision mirror before pulling out from the kerb.

 

 

(Guess who nearly got taken out by a large SUV this morning?)

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It's also forbidden to brake gently if you're turning into a gateway,it must be left until the last few feet and brake as hard as possible....

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when flashing the signal lights when you want to change lanes, the person behind you is obligated to speed up till he's next to you and then drive along next to you.

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