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Mr T

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Although I am not the most prolific poster on this fine forum, I do contribute and people read what I say. However, I fear my posts will be less frequent for a while as my wife and I are doing a lot of driving on the A1 and A697 to my mum who lives near Kelso. She is sadly moving into the last phases of her life and my brother and step daughters and I are spending time with her so that she is not on her own. At 91 she has a good innings and wants to go. 

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Understandably, it was the same for me a couple of years ago when my Mother was in the last stages of her life. Normal life took a back seat. Lots of time on the road back and forth. My Mother was 89. But she wasn't ready to go though. She wanted to be around for all the grandchildren.

It's a tough time. All the best.

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I'm sorry to hear that Mr. T.

My dad was at that stage twelve months ago and it was a very difficult time for everyone. He had also decided that he had had enough, and I think that helped him as there was no fear or regret. I spent weeks with him at the time and now I'm glad I did. I would advise that if you want to know anything about your family history – ask her now. It comforted him to talk about his life and long-dead relatives and I managed to find out more in that time than I have ever done before.

I was quite down for a couple of months after he died, but I got more involved on here and I found that raised my spirits considerably.

All the best.

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Sorry to hear this too, Mr. T.

Thoughts are with you and the rest of the family.

While your caring for your Mum, don't forget yourselves, as it's easy to do.

 

Paul

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You have my sympathies also. As the parents age, my Dad's 75 and Mum is 70, I wonder how many more years it will be before I too have to tread this road.

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Thanks for the comments evryone. I am taking over tomorrow until Sunday (with Alison , my wife) joining me a couple of days later. No idea what will happen. she has heart failure and seems to be failing, but it is difficult to tell how long it will go on for. alison as an Community Matron and district nurs is very much on home territory here. We were supposed to be away this week, but we are glad we did not arrange anything as things did not look good. I feel sorry for Alison as her job as an Advanced Practitioner with the local GP practice means she spends a lot of time in care and nursing homes, so a real busmans holiday for her.

Thanks for the advice Gorby, We have spent some time going through the family photo albums and my mum loves telling stories

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56 minutes ago, Beardie said:

......................As the parents age, my Dad's 75 and Mum is 70, I wonder how many more years it will be before I too have to tread this road.

Hopefully Beardie..........YEARS.

You love 'em, dislike 'em, ignore 'em, need 'em, then love 'em some more, probably the same as they feel about their offspring!

Just make sure you talk AND you tell 'em you love 'em, 'cos their your's and the only one's you get.

 

Paul

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Aye Paul, I do hope so but there have been a few blips like my mother spending a couple of months in hospital ten years ago with some mystery immune related illness that meant blood transfusions and drugs normally used for chemo and, having survived it, it left her with greatly reduced liver function plus she has had a number of battles with gall stones. She is finally going to allow them to remove her gall bladder but she is terrified of surgery and then there is my father who has developed angina and diabetes. They are definitely a lot frailer than they used to be. Still I wouldn't be surprised if I go first.

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Tell your Mum from me, gall bladder removal is a piece of cake!

You get wheeled down to theatre, they put you to sleep, you wake up, all done, AND no more pain!

If your Mum suffer from motion sickness, tell the 'gas passer', as they can include more anti sickness medication in the anaesthetic.

Possibly leave out the fact that one of the side effects is weight gain :whistle:

 

As for your Dad, Angina is partially a state of mind, my Mum really should have rattled when she walked, as she was taking 48 Warfrin a week

for over twenty years, she always claimed it was the drugs that kept her alive! Still did all of her shopping until a week before the end.

When she passed she was 85, still wish she was here......................

 

Paul 

 

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Posted (edited)

Wow tuff times years ago we wouldn't have talked about it but it's a good thing and a bit of release for you. I watched a programme called 24hrs in A&E and an elderly gentleman went in for an operation and didn't make it. The piece to camera was by one of his sons who said he'd written a letter to his dad saying thanks for the childhood etc, this knocked me for six and I thought it was a brilliant idea. I was inspired to write to my mum & dad (now in their late 70's) and wrote on decent paper with a proper ink pen. I actually got carried away and completed several pages probably saying more than what I would have done so in a conversation. It had my dad in tears and subsequently he wrote back at Christmas about his life and I thought I knew my parents but the letter revealed so much more, I still have it now. Do something similar if you think it's appropriate and if your reading this post don't start that next kit do it, it's very humbling.

 

Steve.

Edited by speedy

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A difficult time indeed @Mr T

Hopefully knowing that the gang here are routing for you and yours can give a little bit of comfort.

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Indeed when time is short, get relatives to talk. I was the last family member present when both my parents died, and , likewise my brother. None of them said anything. I was able to piece some things together from family papers which I never knew existed. I get some  information from my cousins, but there are others who will not communicate to us at all. You will be surprised at what you learn if parents do open up near the end of life. Mr.T, I hope your mum is comfortable. Just remember you can't do everything for her.

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6 hours ago, Mr T said:

Thanks for the comments evryone. I am taking over tomorrow until Sunday (with Alison , my wife) joining me a couple of days later..........We have spent some time going through the family photo albums and my mum loves telling stories

There were six of us but I was furthest away and one sister took her in. But the health services here in Ireland came good and were tremendous. 

Enjoy every moment with her. My Mother went to her eldest grandchild's 21st a few weeks before she went and outstayed most of us that night. 

Get all the stories. Even now I want to reach for the phone and ask her something. 

Worse I've no idea who died lately in the area I grew up. My local contact is gone. 

 

 

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Part of the problem with my mum is that unlike offspring who move away from their parents it was the other way around and while I moved 70 odd miles north over the years, when my mum and her husband retired he wanted to live and die in Scotland as he was more Scots than the Scots. Living in the Borders was a bit of a compromise for him when he became ill and after he died my mum stayed put as all her friends etc were there. Not an easy situation as she lives in a village with one pub, no shops and a bus service worse than the first England South Africa Comet service. Kelso is about 8 miles away and Coldstream about the same. The carers  and District nurse etc are fantastic though. 

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Well, you might be pleased to hear that my mum has rallied and is a lot better. She has been out of bed and dressed for the first time in about two and a half weeks and eating better. Her mental state has also improved. That is not to say she is out of the woods as her condition is a one way street and she still sleeps a lot and is very easily tired by any activity. She is now on a palliative care pathway and so we will be able to get support much easier and everything is in place for when she does start to go downhill. We had a really bad time with her husband when he was dying because they refused palliative care until the last minute because he refused to believe he was dying

 We have had to explain to my mum that just because she is on a palliative care pathway she is not going to die in front of us and she could still enjoy her time with us. Worn out by it and going home today as my brother is coming up today 

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That is encouraging news. When the late Lady Bentwaters was placed on palliative care, she would not give up. Firstly she refused to have that written on her medical cert. to her employers, and then proceeded to enjoy a holiday. Went up Snowdon and cycled through Derbyshire. Not bad with a morphine pump.

She did become increasingly tired but that was the morphine more than anything.

My words of wisdom here; don't count the days, make the days count.

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21 minutes ago, bentwaters81tfw said:

Went up Snowdon and cycled through Derbyshire. Not bad with a morphine pump.

That's impressive, when I was on morphine (sciatica) I didn't just loose pain, I lost days.

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My brother has just sent me a picture of my mum in the local pub in the village having a coffee. mind you she will spend all tomorrow in bed recovering., but what a change in a week

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My mother-in-law was at deaths door at least four times. Her final exit was more than a decade after the first false alarm.

So your mum could have years left in her yet, old ladies seem to go on forever.

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3 hours ago, Gorby said:

My mother-in-law was at deaths door at least four times. Her final exit was more than a decade after the first false alarm.

So your mum could have years left in her yet, old ladies seem to go on forever.

It would be nice to think so, but my mum has gone downhill significantly in the last few months and everytime we have a crisis, she is never as good as she was and her condition is life limiting and progressive. Still we can make the best of what is left. 

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Good thoughts & best wishes. Nothing else to say really.

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3 hours ago, Mr T said:

 Still we can make the best of what is left. 

And that's the secret. Clearly the inevitable is coming; I just hope that it comes kindly for both her and you.

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However the end comes, it's never easy for those left. But it would be a blessing if we could all go the way that my old Mum went, 18 years ago. She lived with my brother and sister-in-law, but had to go into a care home for a short while as my brother was going away for a week and Mum couldn't be left alone as she had had a couple of falls. One evening, just before she was due to go back home, she was having her meal and said to one of the carers that she felt a little tired and wanted to go and lie down. When they went to check on her a little later, she had passed away peacefully in her sleep. She was just a few days short of her 92nd birthday.

When your Mum's time comes T, I hope that it's as painless and peaceful as my Mum's passing was.

 

John.

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