malpaso Posted May 21, 2018 Share Posted May 21, 2018 Yes Minister. The one about the Red Arrows I came across this lost script for the BBC TV series… Scene: The Ministry, late one evening in 2018… Dramatis Personae (especially for those outside the UK and any who don’t recall the TV programme): Minister – the Secretary of State for the Department of Administrative Affairs Sir Humphrey – The minister’s chief civil servant, determined that the status quo should be preserved come what may Bernard – Sir Humphrey’s junior and right-hand-man; Sir Humphrey thinks he’s far too earnest and enthusiastic for a civil servant MINISTER: “Right you two; the PM’s just given me an awful earwigging about those ghastly, noisy show-offs, er, I mean the Red Arrows. What’s happening about replacing their planes?” SIR HUMPHREY: “Well the Hawks are way out of budget, too old, too costly to run. All the alternatives are turbo-props.” MINISTER: “The RAF couldn’t bear the thought of not being in jets, and we can’t condone using foreign aircraft or the press will kill us” SIR HUMPHREY: Hmmm MINISTER:Hmmm BERNARD: “What about those planes from Burma? SIR HUMPHREY: Bernard, how many times, its Myanmar!! BERNARD: Sorry sir, I mean those Spitfires we recovered from there? Hundreds of Thousands of people turn out to see the Red Arrows and Hundreds of Thousands more turn out to see the Battle of Britain Flight? Why not Red Arrow Spitfires? SIR HUMPHREY: Bernard, I’ve told you before, the BBMF includes Hurricanes, a Lancaster, a Dakota and 2 Chipmunks as well. BERNARD: Yes but the public thinks they’re all Spitfires…why not give them what they want? MINISTER: But aren’t Spitfires expensive and ancient? BERNARD: Well you can buy a freshly restored one for a couple of million, a whole squadron would be less than one new jet. MINISTER: But its still old? BERNARD: Nah, the only old bit is the dataplate on the firewall, everything else is replaced! Supposedly they fly better than wartime ones too, as they don’t need the armour, guns or ammunition if they’re for flying displays, so they’re much lighter. It means they last longer and are less strained too. MINISTER: This is looking better and better. SIR HUMPHREY: They don’t have ejection seats to maintain and the CAA won’t throw a wobbly about fast jet aerobatics. MINISTER: But we still need some dataplates then? What about these Spitfires from Bur…I mean Myanmar? I thought that farmer only found some aluminium alloy stains where they’d corroded away? SIR HUMPHREY: Of course he did Minister, we don’t want any old aero-enthusiasts getting hold of several squadrons of brand-new combat aircraft, do we? MINISTER: So there were some? BERNARD: Of course minister. We knew they were there all along, but once he started making a fuss we had to get them out pronto and do some covering up. SIR HUMPHREY: BERNARD!!! MINISTER: Do I want to know about this? SIR HUMPHREY: Probably not, Minister. Don’t worry, nothings been written down officially. We came to an arrangement with the Generals there so that the boys from Hereford sorted out some trouble-makers and they let us bring back the Spitfires. They’ve been sitting in containers at Marchwood for the last four years. MINISTER: But aren’t they er…how would you say…knackered after being buried for 70 years? BERNARD: Oh no minister they were carefully preserved before burial as a “strategic reserve” in case we needed them again out there at the time. All the rubber and Perspex is a bit perished and needs replacing, but nothing like a full restoration is needed. We’ve had one tried out to be sure, the US Government were very obliging about the use of Area 51. I think they hope they can find some caches of Mustangs and Corsairs down in South America for the Thunderbirds and Blue Angels. MINISTER: Thunderbirds? Blue Angels?…I think I need a drink. SIR HUMPHREY: Yes, apparently the Americans have the same concerns replacing the display planes for the USAF and USN. The USAF can’t use F-22s or F-35s because they’re so stealthy no one can see them and their Admirals just like ships so don’t care about the aircraft for their display team. BERNARD: There are a few issues though, these are Mark Fourteens with low backs and Griffon engines, so they don’t look or sound exactly like a Battle of Britain Spitfire. But they do have more power and better visibility for aerobatic formations. MINISTER: Will the public think they’re Spitfires? BERNARD: Yes MINISTER: Well, no need to let them think any differently then. SIR HUMPHREY: When they’re not displaying we can hire them out for movies, washable paint would work as they never film in the rain. BERNARD: And we can combine the Red Arrows and BBMF so that’s one whole unit off the books! MINISTER: Brilliant; Sir Humphrey, get it organised… SIR HUMPHREY: Yes, Minister. Thus were the dice cast. The BBMF was abolished and the Red Arrows got their new aircraft. Rolls Royce restarted the Griffon production line and Ford’s redundant Transit factory at Eastleigh returned to building Spitfires as every other NATO air force needed to replace their display team aircraft with Spitfires too or be seen as war-mongering madmen; and Shepheard Neame beer was sold in every pub in the land. Everybody in the country rejoiced, even the fast-jet jockeys of the Red Arrows, who it turned out, had really only ever wanted to be Spitfire pilots anyway! As for the model – take one Frog Mark Fourteen, add the low back canopy and conversion part from the Matchbox kit, paint it pillar box red and add the decals from a Revell Hawk. And a smoke canister from an Eduard drop tank. Bish, Bosh, Bash – the new Red Arrows for the 2019 Display season. "Ladies and Gentlemen", look to your left and you will see the country's favourite pilots in the country's favourite aircraft running in to commence their display..." (with sincere apologies to the RAFAT, BBMF, the BBC, Johnathan Lynn and Anthony Jay; Frog and Matchbox kit collectors, rivet-counters and anyone else offended by this article). Cheers Will 35 1 18 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iainpeden Posted May 21, 2018 Share Posted May 21, 2018 Many a true word spoken in jest! Not a bad idea either - patent it quickly. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FatFlyHalf Posted May 21, 2018 Share Posted May 21, 2018 I guess GCHQ will be monitoring this web site and may already have just sent a briefing note to a certain Gavin Williamson (sometime resident of Whitehall, London) advising him that you have come up with a face-saving, cost-effective enhancement to the UK governments defence budget shortcomings! Hang on. Is that a knock at the door. I'll be back in a mo.... 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andre B Posted May 21, 2018 Share Posted May 21, 2018 Splendid! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AeroNautique Posted May 21, 2018 Share Posted May 21, 2018 Whilst the quoted conversation is fictional and in humour, you can bet your bottom dollar that some ill-informed careerist politicians have had a similar discussion at some point in modern history...but probably mistook Chipmunks or the like for Spitfires 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corsairfoxfouruncle Posted May 21, 2018 Share Posted May 21, 2018 That was definitely worth the read through great idea. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newbie(kinda) Posted May 21, 2018 Share Posted May 21, 2018 Bl**dy brilliant! 'Nuff said (except perhaps, 'make the entire team and add smoke 😂🤣 !). 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dennis_C Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 Yeah. Brilliant idea and great rendition! But in reality they will just take Tucanos and say these are 'Spitfire Red Arrows Flight'. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vince1159 Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 Brilliant,absolutely brilliant .... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul J Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 Smashing 'back story' very believable and a smart looking build! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andwil Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 When are you going to produce a Thunderbirds Mustang and Blue Angels Corsair? Love to see that! Andrew 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vinnie Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 Cracking yarn there, Will 👍 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roginoz Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 Best laugh I've had all day !!!! Classic, and almost plausible........!! Rog 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spitfire31 Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 16 hours ago, malpaso said: BERNARD: Yes but the public thinks they’re all Spitfires…why not give them what they want? That one made me stain my desk documents with an explosive coffee aerosol… Brilliant yarn and a lovely model! Made my day. Kind regards, Joachim 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celt Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 Wonderful story and wonderful model.Well tidy mun. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Riot Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 Brilliant satire. And that Spit looks really nice! Unfortunately although you jest, I wouldn't be surprised to see Her Majesty's glorious and proud air force reduced to one squadron of F-35s (joint with RN of course) and the Red Arrows (in leased civvie turboprops) within 10 years. 😥 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bentwaters81tfw Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 I think this should be 'leaked' to the likes of Southend News Network, and Suffolk Gazette. It will be all over the BBC and Daily Fail like an embarrassing rash. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CedB Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 Fake News! Well done Will, a great script and an even greater model, I love it! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buzby061 Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 Chillingly believable. Great looking Spit as well. Pete 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Army_Air_Force Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 Like it! Reminds me of Spencer Flack's Spitfire from the 1980's. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-32 Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 Very cool indeed, really looks the part 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ColinChipmunkfan Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 Thank you for this very amusing story, as Buzby said "chillingly believable"- just waiting for the story to be picked up by the Nationals. Model looks good too. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andre B Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 Thunderbirds Mustang? Oh no... Sky Blazers! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bedders Posted May 22, 2018 Share Posted May 22, 2018 It's the way ahead. Love it. Justin 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kapam Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 Tally ho! A very plausible-looking Red Arrows Spitfire (no, I'm not a UK politician). Thanks for unearthing that "lost" script and mixing it with some creative plastic bashing. 😁 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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