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Whofan

A Blonde death

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A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.  'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
 
'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his
 head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to
   answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy
 boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...


***What's worse I bet you are now singing it to yourself!!!!!!

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Shades of the old Scottish tale that Bonnie Prince Charlie didn't survive Culloden and that his remains were hidden in a dry stane dyke. Hence the line from the song...

Bonnie Charlie's noo awa 

:coat:

 

 

 

 

Translation for those south of wherever....

Dry stane dyke. A wall build of stones using only their weight to hold it in place.

Some dialects pronounce wall as wa

noo is now.

 

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4 hours ago, Whofan said:


***What's worse I bet you are now singing it to yourself!!!!!!
 

 

 

No, soddin' whistling it!  I hate you for this!  
 
 
   :rofl:
 
Once a jolly swagman camped by a Billabong
Under the shade of a Koolibah tree
Andy sang, Andy sang, Andy waited till his Billy boiled
Who'll come a waltzing Matilda with me? 
 
Al together now!
 
Waltzing Matilda
WALTZING MATILDA
Who'll co...
 
Umm...       :blush:
 
 
sorry....     :drunk:
 
 
 
Edited by Murdo

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18 minutes ago, Murdo said:

 

 

No, soddin' whistling it!  I hate you for this!  
 

 

I can take it .... I've been hated by lesser mortals in my time for jokes like that ....:D

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59 minutes ago, Murdo said:

 

 

No, soddin' whistling it!  I hate you for this!  
 
 
   :rofl:
 
Once a jolly swagman camped by a Billabong
Under the shade of a Koolibah tree
Andy sang, Andy sang, Andy waited till his Billy boiled
Who'll come a waltzing Matilda with me? 
 
Al together now!
 
Waltzing Matilda
WALTZING MATILDA
Who'll co...
 
Umm...       :blush:
 
 
sorry....     :drunk:
 
 
 

 

You'll keep ...

 

Two things:

1. It's a coolabah tree. The coolabah is a eucalypt, E coolabah, also E microcarpa, usually found in floodplains. To germinate, the seed needs to be immersed in water for long periods, hence the type is often found adjacent to billabongs.

2. The third line is actually "And he sang as he watched and waited till his billy boiled" ... doesn't fit in with the gag as well, but that's how Banjo wrote it.

 

Here endeth the lesson - but not the bloody earworm!

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[pedant mode] Ektuly Admiral, Pattersons words to that line were, " And he sang as he looked at the old billy boiling," whereas the line you quoted above is from a revised version from 1903 by Marie Cowan for the Billy Tea Company. The whole story can be found here, & it would appear the Swagman's name might have been Samuel Hoffmeister rather than Andy. ;) [/pedant mode]

Steve

Edited by stevehnz

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Oh, no, mention of "Coolabah" has reminded me of dodgy  drinking games involving boxed wine whilst travelling through Godzone.

 

Sadly that was 25 years ago, I'm a respectable married man with kids now!

 

Cheers

Will

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Sorry, it's not a Clancy Brothers song - the original was by Eric Bogle:

 

and, if I may say so, a much better version ... one of the most poignant anti-war songs ever written.

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On 15/03/2017 at 11:20 AM, Admiral Puff said:

Sorry, it's not a Clancy Brothers song - the original was by Eric Bogle:

 

and, if I may say so, a much better version ... one of the most poignant anti-war songs ever written.

Even though Eric Bogle wrote this, the version that does it for me is the Pogues one . Whereas I'm more than happy to listen to Bogle's Green Fields of France. Either way, it chokes me up to hell.

Steve.

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Just listened to the above songs and they were quite moving, especially the "The Band Played Waltzing Matilda" by Makem and Clancy.  I am the sole survivor from my group and I wonder if anyone will remember them after I'm gone.  I hope so.

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The first version of this song I ever heard was by fellow Nova Scotian John Allan Cameron, back in the 70's.

 

 

 

Chris

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Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

 

The American blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..." "Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter.

 

He turns to the British blonde, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?" The British blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St Peter looks at the British blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven.

 

He then peers over his glasses at the Canadian blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"? The Canadian blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St Peter smiled broadly with delight. The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of hockey."

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On 14/03/2017 at 10:20 PM, Admiral Puff said:

Sorry, it's not a Clancy Brothers song - the original was by Eric Bogle:

 

and, if I may say so, a much better version ... one of the most poignant anti-war songs ever written.

Also covered by the Pouges and Tom Waits

 

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On ‎30‎/‎04‎/‎2017 at 9:10 PM, saintsclaire said:

So is Andy the son of the Matt and Hilda who were waltzing?

And what happened to Wonsa?

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14 hours ago, John_W said:

And what happened to Wonsa?

 

He jumped into the billabong.

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On 1/05/2017 at 2:40 AM, Jessica said:

"Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of hockey."

Just brilliant, read this at work last night on my phone, nearly fell off the seat, just as well no-one else was in the control room at the time, just hooted with laughter. Thanks Jessica.

Steve.

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I remember hearing an Australian singer/comedian say, "How many countries do you know of that have a national song about the suicide of a sheep rustler?"

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