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Tzulscha

Short Jokes II The Sequel

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Scientists have discovered they can use the inner workings of a pigs ear to help people with hearing loss. 
 

Apparently it works well apart from a little crackling.

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I saw a pub notice that said 'a pie,a pint and a friendly word' so I went in.

I was halfway through my pie and pint so I asked the barman about 'the friendly word'

'Don't eat the pie' he said.

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Did you hear about the vertically challenged chap who was banned from the nudist colony?  He kept sticking his nose in everyones' business.

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I was fired from my job for downloading porn at work and causing everything to crash.

 

They don't muck around at Air Traffic Control.

 

 

 

Edited by T7 Models

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I'm not saying I drive a small car, but whenever I get home the garage asks if it's in yet.

Edited by T7 Models

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An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign outside the clinic: “A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we’ll pay you $1,000 if we fail.”

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: “I have lost my sense of taste.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “This is petrol!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “But that is petrol!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”

Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000,” passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: “But this is $500…”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $500.”

 

 

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On 14.03.2017 at 0:48 AM, Spookytooth said:

So you think you are a man?

 

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Simon.

Only one place where can use it! Here it:

17424596_1287597668021263_35030185447373

😆😆😆

B.R.

Serge

 

P.S.

tumblr_omx763T1Bc1vb46leo1_400.gif

😆😆😆

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Quasimodo comes home after a hard day's bell-ringing and sees a wok on the kitchen table.

 

"Oh, good!" he says. "You're cooking Chinese for tea!"

 

"No, no," replies Esmerelda. "I've been ironing your shirts!"

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I asked my mate for a sexual innuendo.

 

So he gave me one.

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Yes, that's the look of stunned realisation that it's actually possible to drive courteously, ask for directions and obey traffic laws :P

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As she follows the outdated directions of the GPS off the end of the ramp for the bridge that isn't there any more.

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17 hours ago, Jessica said:

Yes, that's the look of stunned realisation that it's actually possible to drive courteously, ask for directions and obey traffic laws :P

 

...whilst using the rear view mirror for make-up and hair arranging! :tease:

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48 minutes ago, Tony C said:

 

...whilst using the rear view mirror for make-up and hair arranging! :tease:

Everybody knows that you can't use a rear-view for makeup or hair arranging; it's much too small. You need the vanity mirrors set into the sun visors for that sort of thing.

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Yesterday I overtook a woman doing her makeup whilst driving - I was so shocked I dropped my 'phone and spilt my coffee!

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When I was a Motorcycle cop I drew up alongside a woman who was knitting as she drove along.

I shouted "pullover"

she said " no dear, it's a cardigan"

 

 

 

.........sorry!

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True story, as an HGV driver, I have seen some sites but one that always sticks with me was being overtaken by a young lady, in a white 3 Series BMW, whilst talking on the phone and smoking at the same time!

 

"Look at me, I'm hands free!"

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I once had to give a speech at a nudist colony. I was quite nervous but just before I went on the organiser advised me to just imagine the audience with their clothes on.

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Well Mr. Bugs Bunny, what encrypted messaging service are you using.???

 

 

 

What's App Doc        .............................

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A police officer called the station on his radio.

 

"I need back up here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

 

"Have you arrested her?"

 

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."

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I looked at the credit card statement, then I looked up at my wife, and then I glared at the statement again.

 

Thousands spent frivolously on clothes, handbags, shoes...

 

She mustn't find out.

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