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As a result of the close-down of the UK by the British Government last night, we have made all the Buy/Sell areas read-only until we open back up again, so please have a look at the announcement linked here.

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Tzulscha

Short Jokes II The Sequel

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Mummy, mummy, I don't want to visit America!

Shut up, son. Keep swimming!

 

Mummy, mummy, why is Daddy running around the street like that?

Shut up, son, and hand me another bullet!

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What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies.

 

Knock knock.  Who's there?  Who.  WhoWho?  

I don't talk to owls.

 

How do you know your girlfriend is putting on weight?

She fits in your wife's clothes.

 

How many recently divorced women does it take to change alight bulb?

17, one to do it and 16 to tell her how well she is coping on her own.

 

Triathalon was invented because people's therapists told them that they couldn't run away from their problems.

So they added a swim & a cycle ride!

 

 

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How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

50 - one to take out the old one and put in the new one, the other forty-nine to make the documentary ...

 

How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to change a light bulb?

None - I get Daddy to buy me a new house ...

 

How many Jewish American mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

None - I just sit here in the dark, no-one comes, no-one calls, no-one cares ...

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I wanted to go out for breakfast Christmas morning to have Eggs Benedict, but I decided to stay home and make it myself. First, it's not fair to make other people work on Christmas, and second, there's no place like home for the hollandaise.

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What's white and can't climb trees?

 

A fridge.

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I hear Hollywood are going to make a musical version of A Tale of Two Cities.  It will be called 'Singin' in the Reign of Terror'.

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On 28/12/2016 at 2:16 PM, TonyG said:

What's white and can't climb trees?

 

A fridge.

Whats green, got six legs and if it falls out of a tree will kill you?

 

A snooker table...........................!

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What does a snooker table have that you'll also find in a man's trousers?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pockets.

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What's red and bad for your teeth?

 

A brick.

 

 

What's grey and can't fly?

 

A car park.

 

 

What's blue and smells like red paint?

 

Blue paint.

 

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What did the sewingmachine say when it was rejected at X-Factor?

"But I'm a 'Singer'!"

 

Diving for cover :winkgrin:

Hans J

 

PS T'was my daughter who told me this 'joke'! :D

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If you are using viagra you should use Prozac also. That way if it doesn't work you won't care

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A man gets home after a long day away at meetings.

"How was your day?" asks his wife.

"Well, the meetings went fine, but I had an absolute nightmare on the way home.  I was on the train with the last client and the guard came round asking to see tickets.  I went for mine and could I find it?  I looked everywhere, even in my briefcase, but it just wasn't there.  I told the guard I'd definitely bought one, even got the client to vouch for me ... eventually he relented and let me get away with it."

"Well, alright," says his wife, "but what have you done with the car?"

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How come there's Batman shampoo

but no Conditioner Gordon.

 

(I nicked this one from another site!)

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12 hours ago, Pete in Lincs said:

(I nicked this one from another site!)

 

You shouldn't have bothered :)

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"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.

"Nine A.M," came the reply, "and what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"

"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.

"No, not till nine A.M!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"

"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out".

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Helvetica and Times New Roman were thrown out of the bar because they didn't serve their type there.

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You won't see me for a while people , I'm being investigated by the police for stealing swimming pool inflatables, so I've got to lilo.

 

Graham

 

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I once went out with a Dutch girl who wore inflatable shoes. I phoned her a few days later but found out that she'd popped her clogs.

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On ‎08‎/‎01‎/‎2017 at 1:06 AM, SeanM said:

If you are using viagra you should use Prozac also. That way if it doesn't work you won't care

Taking Viagra won't make you James Bond but it will make you roger more

 

 

 

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I don't like Russian dolls.

 

They're so full of themselves.

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