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Tzulscha

Short Jokes II The Sequel

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After a good night out I left with a girl from the night club and invited her back to the flat for coffee. While I was making it she asked about the large gong hanging in the wall.

I told her it was a talking clock, which she didn't believe, so I told her to hit it hard with the hammer.

A voice from the flat next door shouted,  "Who's banging that x#?•! thing at 2.35 in the morning?".

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I was in the Indian the other night, ordered my naan bread, don't know why really as I know she has a wheat allergy.

 

then  the bloke on the next table had a heart attack, he had a dodgy tikka apparently

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2 hours ago, Kiwidave4 said:

 

A voice from the flat next door shouted,  "Who's banging that x#?•! thing at 2.35 in the morning?".

I heard that once when staying at a girlfriends house.

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All this talk of things Oriental remind me of this one.

 

A tourist was following the Great Wall when night began to fall; he was too far from any sort of hotel to reach it before curfew, and camping in China is not allowed.  Seeing a small house he knocked at the door.

"Ni hao" - said the householder - "Ay ya!  A foreign visitor! What can I do for you?"

So our hero explained his plight.  His host (for he was indoors by now) said: "But there is no room.  We have but three: I sleep in the living room, no-one can sleep in the kitchen, and the only bedroom has my beautiful daughter in it.  You cannot sleep here; it would be improper."

Our hero pleaded and begged, until his host gave in.

"Very well" - said he - "You will sleep on the floor of the living room.  Do not sneak into the bedroom of Beautiful Daughter!  This would lead only to the dreadful traditional Threefold Revenge.  Stay safely under your blanket; remember, Threefold Revenge!  It is terrible!  And threefold!"

 

Overcome by his burning desire to learn of the East - not to mention the still hotter burning of young male hormones - our hero chanced a peek at said daughter.  Delightful was she, a true jewel of far Cathay and receptive to his charms!

 

Only an inferior man would wish to hear of the details of the rest of that night, though I beg forgiveness for pointing out that our hero fell asleep and failed to wake before his host or the daughter.  No longer caring about the Threefold Revenge, he awoke alone, ungarbed, and with a housebrick upon his chest.  Attached was a piece of paper; he read:

FIRST REVENGE: BRICK ON CHEST

With a hearty "Is this it?" he laughed and lobbed it through the now open window.  Attached was a string, with a label:

SECOND REVENGE: BRICK TIED TO SCROTUM

Well; our hero was having none of this.  To the window he sped, out he jumped, taking in the label on the window frame as he went:

THIRD REVENGE: SCROTUM TIED TO WINDOW FRAME

 

Edited by Chillidragon

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A dwarf has moved in a couple of doors down from us. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a baker.

His speciality is flatbreads, and he has some really interesting stories about baking these.

In fact I love the Pita patter of tiny Pete.

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I was on my way home yesterday when I saw my neighbour (who's a dwarf) waiting at the bus stop.

 

"Hop in," I said. "I'll give you a lift!"

 

He shouted and swore at me, which I thought was really ungrateful, so I zipped my rucksack closed again and kept walking.

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Booked a table for Mrs Stringbag an myself for Valentines night.

 

Don't know why I bothered really cos she hates snooker.

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I was driving home last night when, in a moment of inattention, I ran into the bumper of the car in front.  I hopped out to take a look, and so did the other driver, and I couldn't help noticing he was very short.  He looked up at me, and down at his bumper, and back up at me.

"I'm not happy," he said.

"Well, which one are you then?" I replied.

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Why can't Ray Charles see his friends?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because he's married.

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How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
bulb.gif "The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change."
bulb.gif None. Social workers never change anything.
bulb.gif None. They empower it to change itself!
bulb.gif None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.
bulb.gif None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.
bulb.gif Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.
bulb.gif Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.
 

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4.4 magnitude earth quake hits South Wales. Oxfam have already announced plans for an orgy.

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Man goes to his doctors and explains he has developed a rather frustrating speech impediment which makes it impossible for him to pronounce his F's and T's.

 

 

The Doctor said, "Well, you cant say fairer than that!

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A Polish man goes to the eye doctor. The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:

C Z Y N Q S T A S Z

The Optometrist asks „Can you read this?”

„Read it?”, the Pole replies, „I know the guy!”

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1 hour ago, Scimitar said:

A Polish man goes to the eye doctor. The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:

C Z Y N Q S T A S Z

The Optometrist asks „Can you read this?”

„Read it?”, the Pole replies, „I know the guy!”

 

We have a driver who has 26 letters in his full name, only 6 are vowels

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Two alien scouts meet.  Says one:

"Your designation is what"

He/she/it/schlur replies:

"Nine six delta three circle two five Pi."

"Ah?" - says the surprised colleague - "You don't look Jewish..."

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6 hours ago, Scimitar said:

A Polish man goes to the eye doctor. The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:

C Z Y N Q S T A S Z

The Optometrist asks „Can you read this?”

„Read it?”, the Pole replies, „I know the guy!”

 I used to work with a guy of Polish descent, very much a Kiwi apart from his surname, 10 letters one vowel &two ys, we all called him Alan Alphabet. :)

Steve.

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20 hours ago, Kiwidave4 said:

The flat earth society has nothing to fear but sphere itself.

 

:facepalm:

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Those sensitive to racial stereotypes please skip this post - other, please adjust stereotype to that appropriate in your region :D

 

“O’Leary, your glass is empty, will you be having another one?”

And what would I be doing with two empty glasses?” O’Leary replied.

 

PADDY: “Hey Shaun, what’s Mick’s surname?”

SHAUN: “Mick who?”

 

PADDY: “If you can guess how many Pheasants I’ve got in me bag you can have both of them”.

SHAUN: Three?
 

Murphy had a rope hanging from a tree in his garden. Shamus asked him what it was for.

“It’s me weather guide” said Murphy, “If it’s swinging back and forth, it’s windy and if it’s wet, its been raining.

 

Murphy was told by the Doctor he had two weeks to live, so he chose the last week in July and the first week in August.

 
Father O’Flaherty asked Mrs O’Reilly how many children she had. Four was the reply. “That’s a good Catholic woman you are, and when will you be having the next? He asked. “I’m not Father”, she replied. “I read that every fifth child born in the world is Chinese”.

 
The Dublin pensioners club go on a mystery tour every Wednesday and to make it interesting they have a sweep to guess where they are going.

Shamus, the coach driver, has won five weeks on the trot.

 

Mick and Paddy were unemployed and walking down the road when they see a sign saying "Tree Fellers Wanted"

"Oh Paddy, what a pity there's only two of us"

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In a zoo.
- Father, this gorilla, evil looked at us!
- Quietly son, is just only zoo cash desk!

 

B.R.

Serge
 

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On ‎23‎/‎02‎/‎2018 at 10:26 AM, CedB said:

PADDY: “Hey Shaun, what’s Mick’s surname?”

SHAUN: “Mick who?”

PADDY: "Aw, y'know; Mick who lives jost opposite the Blacksmith".

 

Makes sense to us Celts, I'm afraid.

The rest were funny though!

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Mrs Brady had ten sons in ten years. She was trying for a football team but she had no inside left.

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This morning on the A303 I looked over to my right and there was a woman In a brand new range Rover doing at least 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.!!
I looked away for a couple seconds to continue shaving and when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man,I don't scare easily but she scared me so much I had to put on my seat belt and I dropped my electric shaver which knocked the sandwich out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel It knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell Into my coffee which was between my legs, The coffee splashed, and burned big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an Important call.
DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS !!!! .1f642.png:)

 

Simon.SSsSgsgsfarayajmnw

Edited by Spookytooth

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