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Long (ish) Jokes.

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A policeman on a motorcycle is driving late at night along a country road. He notices a car parked next to a field, so he goes over to see what's going on.

 
In the front of the car is a young lad constantly fidgeting and looking at his watch, and in the back is a young woman reading a magazine.


The policeman asks the lad in the front to undo the window and asks "Excuse me, how old are both of you?"


"I'm eighteen sir," says the lad, and looks at his watch. "and she'll be sixteen in eight-and-a-half minutes."

 

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Pilots have heard this before...

 

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution logged by the mechanic.

 

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in "altitude-hold" mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: Transponder inoperative.
S: Transponder always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn.
S: Congratulations! You've just made your first coordinated turn.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Radio switches stick
S: Peanut butter no longer served to flight crew

P: Screaming sound in cabin at start-up
S: Company accountant deplaned

P: Funny smell in cockpit
S: Pilot told to change cologne

P: Aircraft 2,400 lbs over max weight
S: Aircraft put on diet of 92 octane

P: #3 engine knocks at idle
S: #3 engine let in for a few beers

P: #3 engine runs like it's sick
S: #3 engine diagnosed with hangover

P: Brakes howl on application
S: Don't step on 'em so hard!

P: Radio sounds like a squealing pig
S: Removed pig from radio. BBQ behind hangar tomorrow

P: First class cabin floor has a squeak
S: Co-pilot told not to play with toddler toys in cabin anymore

P: Electrical governor is broke
S: Paid off governor's debt to Jimmy "The Fish" Galvano

 

P: Air conditioning motor makes a loud squeal like my mother-in-law.
S: recommend divorce

 

 

Please return you seat backs, tray tables  and flight attendants to their normal, upright positions and thank you for flying Easy Jet!

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A little boy came downstairs crying late one night.

“What’s wrong?” asked his mother.

“Do people really come from dust, like they said in church?” he sobbed.

“In a way they do,” said his mother.

“And when they die they turn back to dust?”

“Yes, they do.”

The little boy began to cry again.

“Well, under my bed there’s someone either coming or going.”

Edited by Kiwidave4

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A man wanted Valentine's Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florist's to order a bouquet of his wife's favorite flower: white anemones. Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns. The man asked the florist to make a bouquet out of the ferns and the flask of liquor. He added a card and proceeded home. After a romantic candlelight dinner, he presented his wife with the gift. She opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder." With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones."

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My wife and I went to the auction mart at Tralee the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR' 

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.' 

I looked at her and said, 
'Go over and ask him if  every time was with the same old cow.' 

 

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

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A manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" The first man replied, "A thought. It just pops into your head. There's no warning." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And, now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm, let me see, a blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house, and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture, the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is Diarrhea." "What!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh sure," said Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already soiled my pants." Bubba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you!

 

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On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned,
'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

Greatly encouraged, the man turned and started to walk away, then stopped and asked,
"How do I stop the medicine from working?" The herbalist replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

Eager to see if it worked the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.

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Its the middle of winter and a  Primary School teacher was helping one of her pupils put on his boots at the end of the day. He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots".

She bit her tongue, and resisted the temptation to say, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. 

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. But my mum made me wear 'em today". 

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again. 

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots".

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A gray-headed old man shuffled into a downtown bar holding his head up high.  His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. “I was a Navy F-4 pilot off the USS Coral Sea. I learned to play the piano at Officers' Club happy hours while in port, so here I am." 
  
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off.  So, why not give him a try. 
  
The old pilot shuffled his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place. 
  
The bartender took the old Navy pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.  It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said.  After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself." 
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.  After he finished, the F-4 pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second offered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."
He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby; It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, Fly boy, the job is yours; but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
 

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10 hours ago, Spookytooth said:
 
 
 
A gray-headed old man shuffled into a downtown bar holding his head up high.  His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. “I was a Navy F-4 pilot off the USS Coral Sea. I learned to play the piano at Officers' Club happy hours while in port, so here I am." 
  
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off.  So, why not give him a try. 
  
The old pilot shuffled his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place. 
  
The bartender took the old Navy pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.  It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said.  After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself." 
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.  After he finished, the F-4 pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second offered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."
He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby; It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, Fly boy, the job is yours; but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
 

"No, but hum a couple of bars and I'm sure I'll pick it up!"

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18 minutes ago, Admiral Puff said:

"No, but hum a couple of bars and I'm sure I'll pick it up!"

If you cannot and are arrested ..... it won't stand up in court  :whistle:

 

 

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I know that this is an old one, but I still like it. Apologies to Dutch speakers.

 

On a nightly chat show, the host was interviewing a Dutchman who had flown with the RAF during WWll. He started by asking him to tell the audience about some of his exploits in combat.

“Der vos vun time, I vos on patrol over the English Channel at about 7000 metres und I saw two fockers below me. Dey didn't see me becoss de sun vos behind me. So I pulled round into a dive and attacked de first focker. I fired and he immediately caught fire and vent down. I climbed and got behind the second focker and as soon as he vos in my sights, I fired and he vent crashing down also”.

The interviewer was visibly impressed.

“I think that I should just point out for the audience and the viewers, that a Focker was a very capable German fighter aircraft, is that not so?”

“Ja, ja dat is correct, but dees Fockers vos Messershmitts”.

 

 

John.

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

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A man went into an antiques shop to buy a table. Almost at once, he saw the table he wanted, and asked for the price.
"£2,000, sir"
"Never!" exclaimed the man, "that's unbelievably expensive."
"That's true," replied the assistant, "but this is not just any table. This piece of furniture has special powers."
"Go on, prove it," said the man.
The assistant went up to the table and said, "How many floors are there in this building?"
Immediately, the table jumped into the air four times, and indeed there were four floors in the building.
The man wasn't completely convinced. "OK, ask it how much money I've got in my wallet."
The question was asked and the table jumped up eleven times.
"That's incredible," said the man, "It's true, I've got two £5 notes and a £1 coin. I must have that table."
So the man paid the £2,000 and the antique table was delivered the next day.

While it was being installed, his mate popped over and remarked on the new piece of furniture.
"It's very special," said the man. "Here, I'll show you."

He thought for a moment and then said, "How much money has my wife got in her bank account?"
The table went completely berserk. It started jumping up and down and was still going 10 minutes later.
Flabbergasted he said, "But how can that be? Where did she get all that money?"

 

The table stopped moving, its legs slid apart and its drawers fell to the floor.

 
 
 

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Three couples aged 65,45 and newlyweds at 22 were talking to the priest about becoming church members.

He tells them to come back in a month and in that time to abstain from all sexual activity.

A month later and the 65 year olds report  having no problem in keeping to that so they get in.

The second couple admit to having some difficulty but they too managed.

The newly wedded girl had a bright red face and the husband told the priest that they had managed right up until yesterday and then succumbed.

He explained that his wife reached up for a tin of beans but dropped it and when she bent over......

The priest told them that they could not join.

He said that he'd expected that and to add insult to injury they're banned from Tesco's too.

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8 hours ago, Scimitar said:

Three couples aged 65,45 and newlyweds at 22 were talking to the priest about becoming church members.

He tells them to come back in a month and in that time to abstain from all sexual activity.

A month later and the 65 year olds report  having no problem in keeping to that so they get in.

The second couple admit to having some difficulty but they too managed.

The newly wedded girl had a bright red face and the husband told the priest that they had managed right up until yesterday and then succumbed.

He explained that his wife reached up for a tin of beans but dropped it and when she bent over......

The priest told them that they could not join.

He said that he'd expected that and to add insult to injury they're banned from Tesco's too.

you need help.

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13 hours ago, spaddad said:

you need help.

Says he who sent a strange object to me in a plain brown package :wicked:

Did you laugh though?

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I bought my first Tiger I in 1/16th scale a few months ago, but unfortunately it didn't come with moulded zimmerit.

I had two choices: either attempt making own, or buy some PE, if such a thing existed in that scale. I didn't fancy ruining the kit by trying to make my own. So I researched the PE.

It WAS available from one small company in Uzbekistan, but it was EXTREMELY expensive. It came in 'squares' and had to be cut to shape by hand... still there was no other source of 1/16th PE out there.

If I was going to buy the stuff, I wanted to purchase as little as possible, and save a lot of money!

So I posted a question in the AFV forum:

 

What size sheet of 1/16th PE zimmerit do I need to ensure the minimum amount required to cover a 1/16th . Tiger 1 late production?

 

The response came surprisingly quickly form 'smartEpants', who proclaimed to have bought the exact same PE from the exact same source, for the exact same model. '9 sheets' he said.

So I went ahead and purchased 9 sheets and commenced with the build.

 

In time I came to the end of the build and was surprised that I had 2 sheets of the PE zimmerit left over. Maybe I'd done something wrong.. missed something out?

 

So I contacted SmartEpants and said 'I dunno what's gone wrong but I've finished the Tiger and I've got 2 sheets left!'

'Nothing wrong with that,' he replied. 'So have I!'

 

 

 

Edited by Badder

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This is for Panzer Vor!

 

YOU MIGHT BE A TANKER IF:

 

1. You've ever been fined for riding with your head sticking out your car's sun roof.

2. Your wife complains because the kitchen junk drawer is full of MILES keys and heater parts.

3. You giggle when your hunting buddies talk about the awesome stopping power of the . 308 Winchester.

4. You named your son Roger.

5. You drive a '59 Caddy because you like "the feel of a lot of American iron. "

6. You announce "On the way!" before you break wind.

7. Instead of meeting you at the door with a cold beer after work, your wife meets you with a can of degreaser and orders to strip before you touch the furniture.
8. After returning from the field it takes you a while to get used to food without the "diesel smoked" flavor.

9. After sex you make your wife wipe down the breech.

10. When you go duck hunting you give your dog the command "ducks! left duck!"

11. You've ever refered to a infantryman as a crunchie.

12. When buying a new car you make the salesman lay out the BII.

13. During intercourse you announce "On the way. "

14. You refer to General Patton as Him.

15. You consider cheating on your wife Permissive TDY.

16. You refer to the Gulf War as "The big one of 91. "

17. You think of ground troops as a speed bump.

18. You think bad sex may just be a boresight problem.

19. You consider a sand table exercise as a middle east deployment.

20. You consider a hasty defense just aiming the gun.

21. When working on your car you fill out a DA 2404.

22. A pillow is nice, but a CVC is better.

23. You think 19Kilo should be 19Sweep.

24. You wish your POV had Tac Idle.

25. You get mad when NOMEX is refered to as the tanker suit.

26. You volunteer to fuel up a car.

27. You have a BBQ and invite all three of your friends.

28. You rank monster trucks between a Bradley and a M1 tank.

29. You carry a tanker bar in your POV.

30. You think hot spots are targets, not clubs.

31. You wish Suburbans weren't so expensive.

32. Before your son/daughter can use your car they must complete a request for dispatch.

33. You think PT means Persona Training.

34. You always set 4 places at the dinner table.

35. You don't buy gas for your car, instead you "top off"

36. Your kids call the sandbox "NTC".

37. Your older kids call the youngest one "Cherry".

38. When your family gets together you call them "Slice Elements".

39. Your dog's name is Sabot.

 
 
 
 
 
 

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"Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.

 

Simon.

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Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.

My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert.
And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your bottom you grouchy old bitch! "

Touches the heart doesn't it?

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Snail bought a car and painted a Big S on it,so people could say when he past by,look at that Big S car go.(Escargot)

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4 hours ago, Jim Wasley said:

Snail bought a car and painted a Big S on it,so people could say when he past by,look at that Big S car go.(Escargot)

sorry, for fun I had to put a sad on this. :)

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