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Scimitar

Long (ish) Jokes.

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4 hours ago, Scimitar said:

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

 

Thats worthy of a :lol: as well as a :doh:

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An average Joe has entered a contest and won the first prize: a cruise in the tropical seas aboard a luxury ship. On board there is also Scarlett Johansson, doing advertisement work for the cruise line.

Out of nowhere a freak wave capsizes the ship. Joe and Scarlett somehow survive, hanging to a beach chair, and are adrift for a few days, until they reach a small, uncharted island.

 

Joe manages to build a hut and a pair of hammocks, and they live off fish and coconuts for a few weeks, until one evening, while they stare at the evening sky, they start expressing their fears aloud: will they survive, will they ever be rescued... emotions flow freely and before they know what they are doing Joe and Scarlett are making passionate love to each other.

A new routine begins, of catching fish, gathering coconuts and making passionate love under the evening sky.

 

After months of this new routine, one evening while they sit around the fire Joe blurts out, embarrassed: "Can I ask you a favour, Scarlett?"

 

She says, "Of course you can. If it wasn't for you, I would not be alive today. All you need to do is ask."

 

"Well, I - it sounds ridiculous, but would you wear this?"

And Joe produces a pair of mustaches made of coconut fiber. Scarlett agrees to put them on, with the aid of some tree sap. Joe is overjoyed, but there is still something else.

 

"I have to ask for another favour - a small one, this time."

 

"Of course, Joe. I owe you my life! All you need to do is ask."

 

"Can I - can I call you Brian?"

The request is strange, but Scarlet agrees.

 

Joe gives her a massive whack on the shoulder and bellows: "Brian, old pal! Can you believe this one? I've been shagging Scarlett Johnson since six months!"

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I've just been told this one on a military forum I visit:

 

In the middle of the night, a Bootneck is driving from Plymouth to London, and a Para is driving from London to Plymouth. There are no other cars on the road and they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.

 

The Bootneck manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,…..”Man, I am really lucky to be alive!”

 

Likewise the Para scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, ….. “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!”

 

The Bootneck walks over to the Para and says,…… “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals”

 

The Para thinks for a moment and says, …… “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends".

 

The Bootneck says "I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck”  So Royal pops open his boot and finds a full, unopened bottle of Pussers rum. He says to the Para  “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship”

 

The Para replies, “You’re damn right!” and he grabs the bottle and starts guzzling down the rum.

 

After putting away nearly half the bottle the Para hands it back to the Bootneck and says, “That was good!  Your turn!”

 

Royal puts the cap back on the bottle and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to arrive.”  :wicked:

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping in the country, In the middle of the night Holmes nudged Watson awake and said, "Watson, what thought comes to you as you look up at the night sky?"

 

Watson said, "Well, Holmes, I see the thousands of stars that cover the heavens and bear witness to the magnificence of God's creation, and I realise how small and insignificant we are, and yet the fact that God is still mindful of us fills me with wonder. What thought comes to you?"

 

And Holmes replied, "That someone has stolen our tent!"

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Three guys were sitting in the pub and discussing their sons.

The first says " My son was born on St George's day so we just had to call him George."

The second says " My son was born on St Andrew's day and that's why he's called Andrew.

The third says " That's an amazing co-incidence,exactly the same thing happened with my boy Pancake"

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Two women go on an evening out without their husbands. They get somewhat worse the wear for drink, and are staggering home at the end of the evening. They decide to take a short cut through the cemetery, but the effect of the cold and all the drink get to them, and both get desperate for the toilet. Well, nobody's around, so they squat down behind a couple of gravestones and do their thing before staggering on again.

 

Later the following day their husbands, who work for the same company, meet up in the works canteen. One of them tells the other that he thinks his wife is having an affair.

 

"What makes you say that?" he asks.

 

"Well, when I woke up this morning she was still asleep after her night out, crashed out on her front, and I couldn't believe what I was seeing. She had a rose stuck in her backside."

 

"You think you have problems?" says the other. "When I woke up this morning I noticed that my wife had a card stuck in her backside. It read 'From all your friends at the fire station'."

 

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A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, with the sweetest little lisp you can imagine, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, thir, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

 

The shopkeeper's heart is melted by this delightful young girl and he gets down on one knee to speak to her properly. "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or perhapth one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

 

She looks across at the choice, blushes shyly, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees and leans forward before saying in a quiet voice. "I don't think my python will really give a thit."

 

Edited by T7 Models

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Gardai in Athy pulled over a local lad in the Dublin Road area today and were amazed to find the car taxed, NCT tested and insured. 
It wasn't stolen and there were no stolen goods or drugs found. 
The driver was sober AND had a full licence and no points.
 
A Garda spokesman said, "We had no option but to fine him €80 for wasting police time."

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A man was leaving the hos[ital and when shaking the doctor's hand in gratitude said" I would not insult you by offering you money but I would like you to know that I have mentioned you in my will.

The doctor replied " That prescription I just gave you. Could I have it back so I can make a slight adjustment?"

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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull.  I put him out with the herd 

but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.  I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. 

 


Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him.  He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

 

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows!  He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!  He's like a machine!

 

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him…but they kind of taste like peppermint.

 

Simon.

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A young Glasgow lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. 

"Do you have any sales experience?" asked the manager. 

"The famous Barras mate", nodded the young man. 

The manager liked the lad, so he gave him the job. 

The young Scot's first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. 

After the store was locked up, the manager came down to see how he was settling in. 

"So... how many sales did you make today?", he smiled at the boy. 

"just the wan" 

The manager was immediately disappointed. "What? Just one? Harrods' sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! Dear me! Oh well, how much was the sale for? 

"£101,237.64" said the lad. 

The Harrods manager choked. "Blimey... One hundred and one thousand, two hundred and thirty-seven pounds and sixty four pence! What did you sell him?" 

"Well, first ah selt him a wee fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and 
then ah selt him a new fishing rod. Then ah asked him where he was gaun' 
fishing, and he said doon the coast, so ah telt him he would need a boat. 

We went doon tae the boat department and ah selt him that twin-engined power Cat... then he said he didn't think his wee Honda Civic could pull it, so ah took him down to car sales and ah selt him a 4x4 Suzuki......." 

The manager was now incredulous. "Wait a minute. You mean to tell me a man came in here to buy a small fish hook but you sold him a boat AND a 
four-by-four ... " 

"Naw naw, big man... he came in tae buy a box of tampons fur 'is missus and ah said........."Well pal, seein' as how yer weekend's humped, ye might as well go fishing..."'
 
 

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HUNTING ELEPHANTS

 

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.


Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.


Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.


Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:

  • Go to Africa.
  • Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
  • Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
  • During each traverse pass,
  • Catch each animal seen.
  • Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
  • Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.


Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.


Hardware engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching grey animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.


Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.


Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.


Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.


Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet colour to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.


Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.


Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.


Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.


Vice Presidents of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:

  1. compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
  2. enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.


Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.


Sales people don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.


Software sales people ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.


Hardware sales people catch rabbits, paint them grey, and sell them as desktop elephants.

 

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A man is sitting in a plane which is about to takeoff, when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside.  The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search." The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy." He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her upon arrival." "Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number." "I like it!" says the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down the plane aisle, and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the place. The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the heck is going on?" The handler nervously replies "He just found a bomb!"
 

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The plane has just taken off and the captain is welcoming the passengers aboard, giving them the usual flight information, when suddenly he shouts, "OH, MY GOD!" and the plane shudders violently. After a few seconds he comes back on and says, "Ladies and gentlemen, I must apologise for that. The stewardess accidentally dropped my cup of coffee into my lap and I was startled. You should see the mess on the front of my trousers!"

 

And one of the passengers shouts, "You should see the mess on the back of mine!"

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After having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 metres and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 metres in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless."

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George is sitting in his comfy chair reading the paper one evening, when he suddenly hears a cry for help from his wife upstairs.

Dutifully, he runs upstairs to find his wife lying in the bath, with no water and her toe stuck up the tap.

"Blimey love!" exclaims George, "how the heck did you manage that?"

"Oh George" says the woman. "I was just messing about when I got my toe stuck up the tap". "You've got to help me!"

"Hang on" says George who then tries to free his wife's toe, but to no avail.

"It's stuck fast. I'll have to call the plumber out.

 

Half an hour later, the plumber arrives, but just as George is about to show the plumber into the bathroom, his wife urgently calls out to him.

"I can't have the plumber seeing me lying here all naked!!"

Thinking on his feet, George grabs a bowler hat sitting on a nearby cupboard and hands it to his wife.

"Here love, use this to cover yourself"

George then show's the plumber into the bathroom and his wife's predicament and she lay in the bath, toe stuck up tap and clutching a bowler hat over her privates.

"Well, what do you think?" says George to the plumber.

The plumber surveys the scene whilst rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

 

"Well", says the plumber, "The toe's not a problem. I can have it free in 20 minutes".

 

"However" he continued, "I'm afraid I won't be able to do anything for Acker Bilk !!"

 

Edited by fightersweep

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It was Friday entertainment night at the seniors' home. It was a special night and all one hundred and fifty residents were in attendance.

 

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist who'd come all the way from Montreal!

 

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.


The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.


"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It's a very special and valuable watch made by a renowned watchmaker in Paris and has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch"


The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.


The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.


A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were all hypnotized.


And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the floor and burst apart on impact.

 
 
"S&!T," shouted Claude.
 
Yup, one hundred and fifty bowel movements all in unison. It took them three days to completely clean up the lounge and Claude was never invited back again.

 

 
 
Edited by Grizly
Change last line

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A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably behind it.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. 

So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer.

So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and hid in his wardrobe. When his older brother found him, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing and they think WE did it!"

 

Edited by Kiwidave4

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I was in the pet shop, waiting in the queue at the check out with a bag of dog food for my dogs. Suddenly the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 

Really? Why else would I be buying dog food? On impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Food Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost four stone in weight before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV infusions in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and all you do is load your pockets with handfuls of dry food and simply eat some every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

 

By now practically everyone in the queue -and the girl behind the counter- was enthralled with my tale. Horrified, the woman asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

 

"Not at all,"I told her. "I stepped off a curb to sniff a spaniel's backside and a lorry hit me".

 

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Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why. The teacher tells the headmaster that she has had it with his exaggerations. He tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever. The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late. Johnny says, "I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mum would've been angry. That's why I'm so late". The teacher promptly takes him to headmaster's office and explains the story to him He tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day. He says, "I was walking to school through the park today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?" Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week."

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A man had been drinking at a pub all evening, and by the time the bartender rang for final orders he was totally bladdered. He stood up to leave and promptly fell flat on his face. A second attempt ended in the same result, so he figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.

 

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face once more. Giving it up as a bad job he decided to crawl the mile to his home. When he arrived at his front door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled indoors, up the stairs and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one last time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell onto bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

 

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him. "So, you've been out drinking again!" she shouted.

 

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an oh-so-innocent look.

 

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there."

 

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A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island ferry"

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A young ventriloquist was touring Sweden and, one night, he was doing a show in a small fishing town.

With his dummy on his knee, he started going through some of his standard dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stood on her chair and started shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way?

What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community,

and from reaching our full potential as people.

It's people like you who make others think that all blondes are dumb!

You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes,

but women in general; pathetically, all in the name of humour!"

The stunned ventriloquist started to apologize, but the blonde interrupted and screamed:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little poo-poo sitting on your lap."

Edited by SeanM

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There's a big conference of beer producers.

At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

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A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a man who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. 

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The man replies, "I'm Joey Shasta, retired airline pilot."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." 

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he flew, people prayed."

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