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Long (ish) Jokes.

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There I was, sitting reading and I looked over at my daughter.

She was studying something then closing her eyes and slightly mouthing words.

I asked what she was doing.

She told me she was learning her lines for the Am-Dram group. They're doing an Ulster version of 'Frozen', called 'Foundered'

Daughter tells me that as well as a few parts she's part of the singing chorus.

I says to her, 'I suppose you'll be singing that hit song from it? Ah, whats it called? The Snowman?'

I couldn't remember the name and guessed at a few, all wrong according to daughter.

Eventually daughter says to me 'Let it go, dad, let it go'

''Ach, no, I can't'' says I ''This will bug me till I remember the name''

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An insurance salesman is visiting a remote farmstead. He parks at the foot of the driveway and walks up to the house to find an old Labrador lying on the porch.

As he tries to step over it, it speaks! "Watch where you're stepping, buddy!" The salesman almost faints with shock. "You can talk!" "Yeah, sure", says the dog. "I've made a pretty good career out of it."

Intrigued, the salesman asks to hear more. "Well", says the dog, "it all began back in '81. My owner found out about this gift I had, and turned me into a travelling sideshow. 'Course, all I had to do was do simple skits, a few words, a couple jokes; it was pretty beneath me, but it paid well. Anyway, I was spotted by some government types, and got recruited by the CIA. They taught me to speak Russian, and I was infiltrated into secret bases all over the Soviet Union. I mean, who's gonna suspect a dog, right? I was the the most effective source of intelligence throughout the entire cold war; I can't tell you how many times I saved the world with my timely intel.

"After the cold war ended, I got moved to the FBI rooting out terrorist cells: same gig, different bad guys. In the end, after becoming the FBI's most decorated agent, I was retired; I had my pick of the lady dogs as they tried to breed a successor with my gift, but I guess I'm just unique. So I ended up in retirement here, filling my days in comfort and peace."

The salesman is practically bursting at this. Just then the farmer emerges from the farmhouse. "How much do you want for this incredible dog?" yells the salesman. "I'll pay any price!"

The farmer spits. "Y'all can have him for nothing." The salesman is even more flabbergasted. "How can you give away such an incredible animal? A talking dog with such an amazing story?"

The farmer laughs. "Cos he's a damn liar. He never did any of that stuff."

Edited by Alan P

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I saw Tony Bennett with a large jam cake today.

I said, "Where you going with that Tony?"

He said, "I'm just going to visit my son Frank in his new nightclub. Then I'm taking it home for tea. You can come along if you like."

Later when we were at his house I said, "Where's that cake Tone?"

He said, "Oh no!!...I left my tart in son Franks disco."

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I saw Tony Bennett with a large jam cake today.

I said, "Where you going with that Tony?"

He said, "I'm just going to visit my son Frank in his new nightclub. Then I'm taking it home for tea. You can come along if you like."

Later when we were at his house I said, "Where's that cake Tone?"

He said, "Oh no!!...I left my tart in son Franks disco."

It must be too early in the morning. I initially read that last sentence as "I let my son fart in Frank's disco"!

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Flying Rules

1 - Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2 - Flying isn't inherently dangerous. It's crashing that's dangerous.

3 - If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. If you keep pulling the stick all the way back, they get bigger again, quickly, very quickly.

4 - It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5 - The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6 - The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. If it stops, you will see the pilot start sweating.


7 - When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8 - A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away. A "great" landing is one after which the airplane can still be used.

9 - Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10 - You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11 - The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival.

12 - In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground always wins.

13 - Good judgment comes from experience. Experience usually comes from bad judgment.

14 - It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible

15 - Gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to appeal.

16 - Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

17 - The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

18 - Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

19 - Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everybody keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. And mountains hide in clouds.

20 - Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

21 - There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

22 - You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

23 - If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

24 - When in doubt, take the train. They may crash more, but they don't have to fall out of the sky to do it.

Rob

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Flying Rules

17 - The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

It was taught to me as: Altitude above you, runway behind you, fuel in the bowser.

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Jimmy and Jack were twins, but they weren't identical - far from it. They looked like the before and after photos in those old body-building adverts. Jimmy was a skinny thing, while Jack was well-built and muscular. As a result, Jack seemed to attract women without making an effort - everywhere he went they would cluster round him, while poor Jimmy struggled and even when women approached him - usually because he was standing next to Jack - he found it difficult to talk to them.

However the two were the best of friends and Jack always did his best to help Jimmy out, though it was rarely successful. One day the two planned to go to the beach. Jack knew that as soon as he stepped onto the sands, wearing his swimming trunks, the women would come flocking and hopefully Jimmy would benefit from the overflow, so to speak. Unfortunately as they were about to set off something cropped up and Jack found he had some business to take care of first. He said to Jimmy, "You go on ahead and I'll meet you there. But in the meantime we need to do something to give you an advantage. That skinny body is what's holding you back. We can't give you muscles but we can make you look a bit more of a stud - get a potato and pop it down your swimming trunks and you'll look a bit more macho."

Jimmy set off and Jack took care of his business, then headed for the beach to find his brother. It didn't take long: though the beach was crowded there was a large circular gap at one point, as if people were trying to keep away from some unpleasant object. Right at the centre sat Jimmy, looking miserable. He got to his feet as Jack approached.

"This is all your fault," he said. "I did what you told me - I got a potato and stuck it down my swimming trunks, but as soon as I came out of the changing rooms people started screaming and running away. You said it would attract the girls but nobody will come within twenty yards of me!"

"I'm not surprised," said Jack. "You were supposed to put the potato down the front of your trunks!"

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Paddy O'Toole the strongest man in Ireland was making his way home from the pub. As he passed the peat bog he heard a voice:

"Help! Please Help!"

Paddy finds a man stuck in the peat with just his head and shoulders sticking out.

"No Problem says Paddy. I'm Paddy O'Toole the strongest man in Ireland and I will pull you out!"

Paddy gets hold and starts pulling. Despite his efforts the man remains stuck.

"I'll try again," says Paddy. But after a couple of minutes more of heaving and pulling he gives up.

"It's no use! I'm Paddy O'Toole the strongest man in Ireland, and If I can't get you out nobody can. I will just have to nip back to the village and get some help."

As Paddy turns to leave the man shouts to him.

"Paddy! Paddy! Before you go, do you think it would help if I took my feet out of the stirrups?"

Selwyn

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The local news has just reported that a coachload of stuntmen on the way to a convention has crashed through the side of a bridge support into a ravine, rolled over six times into a river and then exploded into flames.

There were no injuries.

And in another unconnected incident a coachload of Japanese tourists was held up by an armed robber at the local motorway services.

There have been no arrests as yet, but Police have 948 pictures of the suspect.

Selwyn

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Paddy O'Toole the strongest man in Ireland was making his way home from the pub. As he passed the peat bog he heard a voice:

"Help! Please Help!"

Paddy finds a man stuck in the peat with just his head and shoulders sticking out.

"No Problem says Paddy. I'm Paddy O'Toole the strongest man in Ireland and I will pull you out!"

Paddy gets hold and starts pulling. Despite his efforts the man remains stuck.

"I'll try again," says Paddy. But after a couple of minutes more of heaving and pulling he gives up.

"It's no use! I'm Paddy O'Toole the strongest man in Ireland, and If I can't get you out nobody can. I will just have to nip back to the village and get some help."

As Paddy turns to leave the man shouts to him.

"Paddy! Paddy! Before you go, do you think it would help if I took my feet out of the stirrups?"

Selwyn

Must have been an Englishman riding the horse! ;)

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Thanks for all your messages! First of all, I'm fine - or I will be soon. I had nasty accident today but I'm ok. I went horse riding and let's just say it didn't end up quite as planned. I got on the horse ok and started out slowly but he started to speed up and we were going faster than I was comfortable with until we were going as fast as the horse could go! Have to admit I was terrified!! Then the worst thing ever happened - I fell off and caught my foot in the stirrup and the horse was dragging me around in a circle. It wouldn't stop, it just kept going around and around. Thank God the store manager at Tesco's came out and unplugged the carousel.

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For Fathers day.

My grandfather was a pilot in the Peruvian military. He was in the United States for training when my father was born.Officers were permitted to bring their wife's and so my father was born in New York.

Years later,Peru bought Caproni Ca.310 bombers from Italy in 1938. My grandfather was flying the last one from Italy to Peru when engine trouble forced him down in the desert and he was killed .

When my father graduated high school, he was up for a scholarship for military sons.The choice was between him and the son of a general, when the general pointed out that my father had dual citizenship.

This is how my father discovered that he was an American citizen.Unable to afford college he decided to go to the U.S. where the only job he could get was selling ice cream on the beach.

So he joined the Army as an aircraft mechanic and was sent to Germany just after the war.

He told me this story about when he came back:

"I was driving thru Texas when a Sheriff pulled me over for speeding."

"Let me see your license boy."

I handed him my German drivers license.

"Where are you from?" he demanded.

"Peru"

"No ,where were born boy? Where were you born??"

"New York"

He handed me back my license and said;

"Get the hell out of my county."

Garry c

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One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.


Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."


When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."


Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."


Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.


Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."


Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."


The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.


"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."








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The air hostess on a flight from New York to Chicago notices a man is sitting biting his finger nails and sweating profusely.

Concerned for him she stops by his seat and says, "Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?"

The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly.

She comes back with a drink and he downs it quickly.

Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man, ashen, shaking and biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he swallows immediately.

A half hour later she returns to see that the man is shaking uncontrollably, and apparently crying.

"My goodness," the flight attendant says, "I've never seen someone so afraid to fly".

"I'm not afraid of flying," says the man sobbing loudly, "I'm trying to give up drinking".

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A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the driver's door.


'Is there a problem, officer?'


'You were speeding, sir. Can I see your licence please?'


The driver responds, 'I'd give it to you but I don't have one. I lost it four times for drink driving.'


The policeman is shocked. 'I see. Can I see your vehicle registration documents please?'


'I'm sorry, I can't do that.'


'Why not?'


'I stole this car.'


The officer says, 'Stole it?'


'Yes, and I killed the owner.'


At this point the officer is getting irate. 'You did what?'


'She's in the boot if you want to see.'


The policeman looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for urgent assistance. Within minutes, five police cars, including an armed response team, show up, surrounding the car. The armed response team leader slowly approaches the car, clasping his Glock.


Sir, step out of your vehicle please!'


The man steps out of his vehicle. 'Is there a problem?' he asks in puzzlement.


'You told my colleague that you stole this car and murdered the owner.'


'Murdered the owner?'


'Open the boot of your car please.'


The man opens the boot, revealing only an empty space. Definitely no body.


'Is this your car sir?' the ART leader asks.


"Why, yes,' the man replies and hands over the registration document.


The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. 'My colleague claims that you do not have a driving licence.'


The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. 'Thank you sir. My colleague reported that you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner. My apologies.'


The man replies, 'I bet you he told you I was speeding, too!'

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There was a story which circuited on t'intewebby.

A farmer/householder/business man in England/Wales/Scotland saw thieves stealing from one of his sheds.

He immediately phoned the police.

He was told 'sorry, we can't send anyone for over an hour'

'But if you come now you can catch them red-handed'

'Sorry, no one available for over an hour'

So the man hung up. Waited two or three minutes then phoned the police again.

'There's no rush to send anyone now' he told them

'Oh, why is that' he was asked.

'Because I just shot them. They're not going anywhere at all now'

Three armed response units were at his house five minutes later.

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Two men are talking about their wives.

"Mine waits me hand and foot," says one. "I never have to lift a finger. She does all the chores in the house. It's a matter of principle for her."

"Wow, that's something. And how's her cooking?"

"Oh, excellent. I'd be growing fat if it wasn't for football."

"You play football?"

"Yes, on Sunday morning, when the wife takes the kids to church."

"You know your wife seems too good to be true. but how's she in the bedroom, eeeeh?...."

"Well - some say good, some say she's nothing special..."

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There was a story which circuited on t'intewebby.

A farmer/householder/business man in England/Wales/Scotland saw thieves stealing from one of his sheds.

He immediately phoned the police.

He was told 'sorry, we can't send anyone for over an hour'

'But if you come now you can catch them red-handed'

'Sorry, no one available for over an hour'

So the man hung up. Waited two or three minutes then phoned the police again.

'There's no rush to send anyone now' he told them

'Oh, why is that' he was asked.

'Because I just shot them. They're not going anywhere at all now'

Three armed response units were at his house five minutes later.

This actually happened to me in Kidderminster about fifteen years ago, we had trouble with bad neighbours. One day my stepson phoned me at work to say that they were kicking the front door to try and get him, my work was five minutes walk from my home and I made it back in two minutes to find, sure enough, three grown men trying to kick my front door down to get at my, then, small fifteen year old stepson.

When they saw me they scarpered indoors to their own home, perhaps for some Dutch courage, before returning five minutes later shouting abuse.

I phoned the police to get the response that they were too busy to attend, so I told the operator to send an ambulance instead and hung up before going outside to do my own thing.

It couldn't have been more than 60 seconds before the first of FOUR police cars turned up!

They weren't too busy then.

True story!

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A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's that, Pa?"

The father responded, "Son, I ain't never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady walked up up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Boy, go get your ma!"

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A blind man enters a bar and finds his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

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Paddy had a job as a postman and one Monday morning was riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail...

As he approached one of the homes he noticed that strangely both cars were still in the driveway...

His wonder was cut short by Murphy, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin...

'Jesus Murphy, looks like you lot had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented...

Murphy, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night... This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning .We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild... We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing... WHO AM I?'...

The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How the hell do you play WHO AM I?'...

Well, all the men go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is...'

The postman laughed and said, 'poo-poo...!!! sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'...

'Probably a good thing you did Pad,' Murphy responded..........

..........'Your feckin name came up 7 times....!!!'

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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland.

He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the elderly Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the barkeep to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

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Sean and Patrick were best friends from childhood

During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Sean would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. "Sean," said Pat, "can you hear me?"

Faintly, Sean replied, "Aye, Paddy, I can." Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Sean?"

"Yes, I do Paddy," Shawn strained. "And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.

"Aye Paddy, that I do," whispered Sean.

"It's a very "old" bottle now, you know," urged Pat. "And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Sean, briskly.

"Well Sean, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would you be minding if I were to filter it through me kidneys first?

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A Lesson in American English...

  • *Cheese* The teacher told Fred to use the word cheese in a sentence. Fred replies: Mary likes me, but cheese ugly.
  • *Mushroom* When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
  • *Shoulder* My fren' wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I, shoulder.
  • *Texas * My fren' always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
  • *Herpes* Me and my fren' ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
  • *July* Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
  • *Rectum* I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
  • *Chicken* I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
  • *Wheelchair* We only have one hamburger left, but don't worry wheelchair
  • *Chicken* *wing* My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
  • *Harassment* My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey, harassment nothing to me.
  • *Bishop* My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
  • *Body wash* I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
  • *Budweiser* That women over there has a nice body, Budweiser face so ugly?

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