Jump to content

Long (ish) Jokes.


huvut76g7gbbui7

Recommended Posts

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep"

  • Haha 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work.

I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car.  

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne. 

Life is great. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now. 

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers. 

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. 

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I spent ages in the Jim this morning. 

When I was a child, I thought "Nap Time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation. 

The biggest lie I tell myself is:  "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it." 

I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise. 

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees. 

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet. 

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway? 

Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. 

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for. 

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names. 

Now, I'm wondering: did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

  • Haha 13
Link to comment
Share on other sites

49 minutes ago, JohnT said:

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work.

I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car.  

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne. 

Life is great. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now. 

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers. 

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. 

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I spent ages in the Jim this morning. 

When I was a child, I thought "Nap Time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation. 

The biggest lie I tell myself is:  "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it." 

I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise. 

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees. 

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet. 

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway? 

Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. 

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for. 

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names. 

Now, I'm wondering: did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

Excellent! :) 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of the Granville Christian Church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.

“Why yes,” she replied, “Every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.”

The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”

The old lady said, “$10,000 a week.”

The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; What does he do for a living?”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.

“That is an honorable profession,” the pastor said.

“Where does he practice?”

The old lady said proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.”

 

 

 

Simon.

  • Haha 11
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 20/09/2021 at 15:07, JohnT said:

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work.

I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car.  

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne. 

Life is great. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now. 

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers. 

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. 

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I spent ages in the Jim this morning. 

When I was a child, I thought "Nap Time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation. 

The biggest lie I tell myself is:  "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it." 

I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise. 

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees. 

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet. 

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway? 

Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. 

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for. 

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names. 

Now, I'm wondering: did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

 

Oh and one more

 

When I shout "I'm coming" it means I will be along in a minute if you stop and wait for me.

  • Haha 10
Link to comment
Share on other sites

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 

 

 

Simon.

  • Haha 11
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...
On 21/05/2021 at 00:31, Kiwidave4 said:

A young lad says to his father, "Dad I've decided to join the army".

 

His Dad says, "Well son, I'm so glad you've decided to do something positive with your life, and as you know

I'm an ex-soldier myself, so I'd like to help you in any way l can.

You're roughly the same size as l was when l joined up, and I've still got my old uniform in a case in the loft.

Go up and get it from the case and try it on, so you can get an idea of what it feels like to wear a uniform.

Oh, and you'll also find a backpack, a water bottle and my tin helmet too. Bring them all down and try them on".

 

The son comes back down from the loft with the uniform on, looking very pleased with himself.

 

His Dad stands there full of nostalgia, "Well Son, you look great", he says.

 

The son says, "Dad, if l get the broom will you teach me some rifle drill?"

 

His Dad says, "Listen, son this is a secret between you and me. I've still got a rifle, but for God's sake no one must ever know, ok?"

 

"Wow! Dad!" says the son, "I'll never breathe a word, where is it?"

 

His Dad says, "Climb back up into the loft, put your hand under the tank and you'll find it".

 

The son says, "YOU'VE GOT A TANK AS WELL!"

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-derbyshire-58909456

Good thing the school pupil didn't take the freakin tank as well!

  • Haha 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A group of students attends to a surgical operation by a famous brain surgeon, also famous for his bad manners and sexism.

The prof begins to drill into the skull of his woman patient and when he stops, the students seem quite disturbed by a whistling noise.

The surgeon smiles and says "Don't worry, it's just pressure equalizing, ambient air tends to go fill empty spaces".

Some moments later, the prof farts and everyone pinches his nose.

A female student then says "Don't worry, it's just pressure equalizing, some brains ventilate like this"

  • Haha 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A homeless guy is travelling down a country lane, tired and hungry he comes across a pub called the 'George and the Dragon'. 

Although it's late and the pub is closed, he knocks on the door. The innkeeper's wife sticks her head out a window.

"Could I have some food?", he asks.

The woman glances at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition and sternly says, "No!"

"Any chance of a pint of ale then?"

"No!", she says again.

"Could I at least sleep in your barn?"

"No!" By this time, she was clearly getting very annoyed.

The down and out says, "Okay then might I please...?"

"What now?", the woman interrupts impatiently.

"... might I please have a word with George?"

  • Haha 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Kiwidave4 said:

A homeless guy is travelling down a country lane, tired and hungry he comes across a pub called the 'George and the Dragon'. 

Although it's late and the pub is closed, he knocks on the door. The innkeeper's wife sticks her head out a window.

"Could I have some food?", he asks.

The woman glances at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition and sternly says, "No!"

"Any chance of a pint of ale then?"

"No!", she says again.

"Could I at least sleep in your barn?"

"No!" By this time, she was clearly getting very annoyed.

The down and out says, "Okay then might I please...?"

"What now?", the woman interrupts impatiently.

"... might I please have a word with George?"

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stupid question, excellent answer!

 

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian. General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. 

 

Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws, you have to love this! 

 

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.  

 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

 

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

 

GENERAL COSGROVE:

 

We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: 

 

Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

 

GENERAL COSGROVE:

 

I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

 

Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

 

GENERAL COSGROVE:

 

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. 

 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

 

But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

 

GENERAL COSGROVE:

 

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

 

The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

 

I would pay money to have seen her face!

 

  • Like 2
  • Haha 14
  • Confused 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Two prawns were swimming around in the ocean.

One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said. "Your wish is granted"

Low and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted. "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Kristian replied. "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.......

I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian."

 

Simon.

  • Haha 9
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

  • Haha 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 10/27/2021 at 7:16 AM, Whofan said:

I would pay money to have seen her face!

 

You would have to pay a lot, as it didn't happen. The interview didn't even happen... 

 

While Cosgrove is Australian, he's not only the ex-Chief of the Defence Force, he's also an ex-Governor-General. As the holder of the highest rank possible in Australia's military, as well as being the Queen's representative, I'm pretty sure that he can keep a civil tongue in his head regardless of provocation. 

 

The original of that unfunny joke is possibly lost in the mists of time, but it's been around so many times that it's about ready for a Jackpot to come up. 

 

Sorry' bout that. 

  • Sad 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. It won't matter" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Wow!! Very nice. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

  • Haha 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, Rob G said:

The original of that unfunny joke is possibly lost in the mists of time, but it's been aroun

 

I know it is, when I first heard it, it was about a fisherman being intercepted by a female park ranger.

 

I still thought it was funny enough, but thanks for letting the facts get in the way of a laugh (for 12 of us, anyway)

Edited by Whofan
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, Spookytooth said:

 

I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian."

 

Simon.


can we crowdfund a groan emoji ?

Thats off the Richter scale for groans

Ive got to tell it to my mates now:wicked:

 

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

A man was doing a bit of research on Loughor Castle and came across an excavation report, dating back to the early 1900's, which mentioned the finding of a cemetery within the castle's walls.

One of the skeletons they exhumed was, they deduced from its length and robust appearance, of someone of high status but, and this is really strange, another person's skull was

embedded in the skeleton's torso.

Intrigued, obviously, he delved into all his books and notes and trawled the internet to see if any more information could be found.

Eventually, in Swansea University's library he came across a Victorian book entitled 'A History Of Glamorgan's First Castles' and found an account of a siege that occurred in 1201.

It said that the eldest son of the Norman lord who held the castle was killed when one of the besiegers loaded his trebuchet with the only missile to hand, the head of a peasant

executed for stealing food the day before. By an amazing fluke the young man was hit and killed by his shot!

This is believed to be the first recorded case, anywhere in the world, of the use of a serf face to heir missile!

  • Like 1
  • Haha 11
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've just got out of bed and read this. My wife is asking me if I'm alright as I'm groaning so much.

 

Dick

  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On my news feed today:-

 

"A woman who allegedly tried to hire an assassin to kill her ex-husband through a transparently fake website called RentAHitman.com has been arrested.
The website, which tells visitors it is "no longer affiliated with the Donald J. Trump, CIA, SIS, Diners Club, the Illuminati and Rudolph Giuliani", claims to be "100% compliant" with the made-up Hitman Information Privacy & Protection Act of 1964 (HIPPA).
However, 51-year-old Michigan woman Wendy Wein filled out the "service request form" on the website to request help with an undisclosed "issue".
The request was passed on to undercover officers, who met Mrs Wein and say she offered them $5,000 to kill her ex-husband and paid a $200 deposit.
Mrs Wein was arrested and has been charged with solicitation to commit murder and illegal use of a computer to facilitate a crime, FOX 2 reports.
Brian Oleksyk of Michigan State Police said: "I can't believe someone would think that a website like this exists."

 

There is always one !!

  • Haha 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...