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Long (ish) Jokes.

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A wife being the romantic sort sent her husband a text " If you are sleeping send me your dreams. If you are laughing send me your smile. If you are eating send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying send me your tears. I love you!"

The husband, typically un-romantic, replied " I am on the toilet. Please advise."

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The mother-in-law went to a Tom Jones concert the other day.

The female fans were throwing their underwear on stage.

Tom was mopping his brow with them and throwing them back into the audience.

The mother-in-law threw hers on stage.

They smothered the band.....

Simon.

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Many years ago, BAC were testing the windshield of Concorde for safety against birdstrike, prior to its first flight, at Farnborough. The windshield was securely mounted on a rig and a high-velocity, large compressed-air gun was mounted opposite it, a large distance away - in effect, a single-shot firing-range. The gun was loaded with a chicken, purchased from the local store. The windshield rig was positioned and, when everyone was safely out of the way, the gun was fired.

One day, an American Military delegation were visiting and were invited to watch a test. At the conclusion, they were impressed. One of them said "Well, we're developing an interceptor aircraft, with aroung the same speed as your airliner - can we borrow the test-rig and gun from you, to test the windshield?

Negotiations took place and, following the conclusion of Concorde's windshield testing, the rig and gun were loaned to USA. THe F4 windshield was mounted, with a time-expired ejector-seat, on the rig; the gun was positioned at the required distance and loaded with a chicken.

The gun duly fired...The chicken shot out of the gun, through the windshield of the F-4 and embedded itself solidly and intact, in the headrest of the ejector seat. :yikes: :yikes: :yikes:

Stunned and speechless, the test engineers and Military stood in shock. Finally, one of the Officers spoke "We just don't get it - everything was set up, exactly as for the test we saw oner in UK; what do we do now? Eventually, after a long silence, one of the test engineers spoke, in a subdued tone: "I guess we'd better telegram BAC..."

Some days later, the US team assembled to consider BAC's reply - again, by telegram. They opened it and read the instructions aloud, until they reached the point just before loading the gun, which read: "Having thawed the chicken, load it into the gun..."

The BAC engineers were reportedly incapable of working for the remainder of the week, when they had recieved the American's telegram! :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

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Dear Tech Support,



Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Motor Racing and Continuous TV.

Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.



What can I do?



Signed,

Desperate



.....................................................................................................



Dear Desperate,



First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: 'http://I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.

 Don't forget to install the Guilt update.

If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.



Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.



In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.



Good Luck,


Tech Support

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The male version of that last one:

Eighteen months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run GirlFriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, GirlFriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

"Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2003.

"Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

"Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation.

"Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself."

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One day on a busy street corner a huge man walks up to a police officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thirdee third, and thacramento ith?"

The police officer didn't reply at all. The large man then asked again, but still no reply. Finally the frustrated man walked away.

An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked, "Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty third and Sacramento was?"

The police officer replied, "Thure and get the thit ticked out of me!"

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Along similar lines...

A man goes into a pub and says, "Could I have a pint of Guinneth and a packet of thmokey bacon crithpth, pleathe?"

"Theartenly, thir!" replies the barman, and serves them up. The customer looks at him suspiciously but doesn't say anything, and he sits down at a table.

A couple of minutes later another man comes in and in a plummy English accent says, "I say, old chap. Could I have a large gin and tonic, please?"

"Of course, sir!" replies the barman. "Beautiful weather today, don't you think?"

When the Englishman has sat down, the first customer returns to the bar. "Here, you!" he says accusingly. "Were you taking the pith out of the way I thpeak?"

"No, of courthe not," says the barman. He points at the Englishman and says, "I wath taking the pith out of the way he thpeakth!"

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And...

A man in the Scottish Highlands sees a hillwalker kneeling by the side of a burn scooping up water in his hand to quench his thirst.

"Haw, min!" he shouts. "Dinna' drink oot o' there, it's fu' o' coos' keech!"

"I don't understand a word you're saying," replies the hillwalker. "Why on Earth can't you Scotch people learn to talk proper English?"

The man says, "I was saying, 'Use both hands to scoop up the water - you'll get more!"

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Afternoon Chaps

A zebra walks into a Bar, sits down and orders a double whiskey

The bar is shocked and amazed, but just stands in awe watching the Zebra drinking and eating peanuts.

Drink after drink the Zebra orders, until finally, the barman can take it no more.

You are amazing, I've never seen a talking Zebra before. You should get so the circus thats in town, they'd love you...

Oh cool, says the Zebra, they looking for plumbers?

its okay.... I'm going

:ninja: Mad Steve :ninja:

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Three guys are newbies in Metro Police, and are passing their first test...

Their commander in cief shows a pic of a scumbag, and asks the following:

is there any feature in this guys's face, if you were looking for a criminal suspect....???

-He's got just one eye...said the first guy....

-You, stupid moron....It's a profile pic, can't you see that...???

-He's got just one ear, said the second guy...

-kidding me...????? I've told yopu, stupid boys that it's a profile pic.....left profile, to be exact.....

-He's using contact lenses, Sir, said the third guy....

-Brilliant...!!!! How did you come to that conclusion, with just a profile pic....?????

-How the hell could he keep his glasses in place, with just an eye and one ear...??????

Edited by Artie

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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.


A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.


The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.


After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."


"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

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The CIA, The FBI and the NYPD are on a training excercise together.

They are told to go in to the woods and bring back a squirrel.

The FBI goes first.

They come back empty handed.

"There were no roads or streetlights, our shoes got dirty and our suits got torn so we gave up"

Then the CIA go in.

They come back empty handed.

"We founf a squirrel, but it was a low grade one so we turned it in to an asset and are waiting for it to lead us to the top squirrel in the organisation"

Then the NYPD go in.

Ten minutes later they come out with a rabbit with two black eyes.

"I confess, I'm a squirrel!"

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Australian joke:

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

(Long burst of automatic gunfire) Victoria Police ...

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St. Peter was standing there, beside Heaven's Door, when he suddenly felt he needed to go to the toilet, so asked Jesus to stand in for a few minutes....

Jesus said: "Any special thing that I should be aware of...???"

"Not actually.....well, if you see anyone coming in, please ask his name, age, address, etc.... and ask him to please hold on some minutes...", replied St. Peter...

Some fifteen minutes later, an old, white bearded, hunched gent, came to the doors and asked to get in.....

"Your name, Sir?"...asked Jesus...

"Can't remember..."... said the old gent....

"Your hometown.?"

"Can't remember..."

"Age...?"

"Can't remember..."

"Well.....do you remember anything from your previous life?"

"Oh, yes, insolent rascal.......I remember I lived in a very small town......I remember I worked as a carpenter........and even more, I remember I had a very well known son, wich everyone loved and appreciated..."

With tears in his eyes, Jesus cried......."DAD, OH, DAD....!!!!!"

The old man replied.....

"Pinocchio....!!!!!!"

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An oldie but a goodie ...

New research has uncovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element is Governmentium (Gv).

It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other by-products are produced.

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A "friend of Dorothy" guy comes to his doctor, and tells him:

"Hi, Doc.......well...everytime I put my finger on my elbow, uuuuuuhhhhhh...so painful...everytime I put my finger on my leg...uuuuuhhhhh...so painful........everytime I put my finger on my head...uuuuhhhh ....so panful.......everytime I put my finger on my belly.....uuuuhhhh....so painful..........Do I suffer Fibromyalgya????"

"No", said the Doctor....."I'm afraid you've got a broken finger"

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In honour of the date:

Patrick and Michael were the best of friends. One day they decided to go bicycling, but when they got to the rental shop, all that was left was a tandem. They decided to take it anyway, and Patrick got on in front. They rode for a while down the scenic country roads until they came to a steep hill.

They stopped and looked up. “Begorrah, that’s the tallest hill In all Ireland!” exclaimed Patrick. “It is, so it is” replied Michael “We’ll have our work cut out for us, sure.” And so they started up the hill, each pedalling as hard as he could. Soon the sweat was pouring off and they were gasping for breath. “Faith, this is a steep hill” gasped Patrick. “It is, so it is” exclaimed Michael, and they pedaled even harder.

At last they reached the top, and stopped to catch their breath. “Saints preserve us, that was the steepest, tallest and hardest hill in all Ireland!” said Patrick. “It was, so it was” said Michael. “and if I hadn’t kept the brakes on we’d have rolled right back down!”

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Two Leprechauns knocked on a convent door. When the Mother Superior opened the door, the Chief Leprechaun asked "Mother Superior, do ye have any Leprechaun Nuns in this convent?"

Mother Superior answered "No, I don't have any Leprechaun Nuns in my Convent."

The Chief Leprechaun asked "Mother Superior, are there any Leprechaun Nuns in any other Convent in Ireland then?"

Mother Superior answered "No, there aren't any Leprechaun Nuns in any other Convent in Ireland either."

The Chief Leprechaun asked "Mother Superior, what about any other Convent anywhere in the world?"

Mother Superior answered "No, on my authority we have no Leprechaun Nuns in any Convent anywhere in the world."

And with that, the Chief Leprechaun turned and swatted the other Leprechaun over the head and exclaimed "Ye hear that ye idjit! I told ye that it was a penguin ye slept with!"

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An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket,smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for One week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out,smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking Frog?

now that's cool."


Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced

"Twenty-one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of Parliament.

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Went to my sons house.

Bit bored. Got up out of the sitting room chair and into the kitchen to see him.

"Have you got a newspaper?"

"Newspaper? get modern Dad, we get the news online nowadays!" and he handed me his tablet.

Later on he came in asked me what I thought about using the tablet.

"It's really good! I tell you that fly didn't stand a chance!"

Selwyn

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A rich playboy had so many girlfriends that he hadn't enough time to entertain them all. So he made a research lab an offer they couldn't refuse and got them to clone him in order to balance the load.

However the cloning technique hadn't been perfected, causing the clone to suffer from Tourette's Syndrome. By and by the clone's obscenities caused the girlfriends to run away. Eventually the playboy decided something had to be done, so he took the clone to a remote part of the Grand Canyon and pushed him over a cliff.

He thought he'd got away with it, but shortly after the police arrested him for making an obscene clone fall.

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A dumb man went ice fishing. He'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, he made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning his comfy stool, he started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"


Startled, the dumb man moved further down the ice, swigged down a beer, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"


The dumb man, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, swigged down another beer, and tried again to cut his hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"


He stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you, Lord?"


The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Rink Manager!"


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A guy is driving in a sparsely populated part of the country, alone, at night, in a pouring rain. All of a sudden the car starts to veer slightly to one side. He pulls off, gets out, inspects the car - flat wheel.

He dons a poncho, starts taking the equipment out of the trunk: wheel, triangle, wrench, jack... no jack.

He takes the manual out of the gloves compartment to check: the jack is supposed to be in the trunk along with the rest of the kit; but there's no sign of it. What to do? The guy remembers he saw some houses along the road, a mile or so up the road. He starts waking in that direction.

"What a night to get a flat. Why is it always me?"

Walk, walk, walk.

"I bet by the time I get back my car will have been stolen."

Walk, walk.

"Probably they aren't even at home."

Walk, walk.

"No, scratch that. They WILL be at home. They just won't open the door. Why should they?"

Walk, walk.

"After all, who's dumb enough to be around at tis time of the night in this weather? A serial killer, probably."

At long last he reached the group of houses. Seeing how the lights were still on in the upper floor, he rang the bell on the fisrt one.

A dog from inside the house started barking to wake the dead.

"There, just my luck. If Fido doesn't chew me open a new one, the owner surely will. 'Getting people off the bed at this hour, will ya? For a car jack? Listen, buddy, do I look like a mechanic? Why don't you go buying stuff in shops at daytime, just like everyone else?'"

Doors banging and human voices joined the barks. Tired, soaked and worried, the man stood waiting on the doorsteps.

"Bet he's gone to take out the blunderbuss. I'll probably get shot right in the face. 'Well, officer, he did ask me for a car jack, but I thought it was just a dumb excuse. Who ever needs a jack when all cars come with one?"

Finally, the door opened. A frowning man peered out and cautiously said, "Good evening. How..."

"...Well, you know what? You can go to Hell! And take your bloody car jack right with you!"

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An inebriated man staggered up to the portal of his domestic abode, having spent the evening pleasantly imbibing alcoholic beverages with several of his close acquaintances in several local hostelries.

At first he couldn't find his key. It took him several times searching through his pockets until he found it.

He spent the next ten minutes trying to get the key into the key slot. He eventually got close but the key pinged off the escutcheon into the garden undergrowth.

The man then spent the best part of 30 minutes searching through the grass and flowers but never found the key.

The man went to the door, looked through the letter box flap and saw the family cat walking in the vestibule.

He gently, and in a loud whisper, called the cat over.

When the cat came over to the door, it sat and peered up at this apparition of eyes peering through the letter box.

The man then said 'cat, let me in'

The cat just looked at him and said "Me? 'Ow?"

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