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A Texan farmer visited his Belgian relative who was also a farmer.

 

When they drove home from the airport the Belgian farmer did a tour of his domain, and they drove for 4 hours. So he said, all these lands are mine... To which the Texan responded: Is that all? If I'd do that, I would be away for a week at least.

 

Then they visited his stable which housed 15000 cows. The Texan, totally unimpressed, responded: 15000 cows? oh comon, I have 150000 animals on my grounds...

 

The belgian farmer was steaming, went inside the house, took his shotgun, and shot his donkey... What are you doing said the Texan, a bit in fear... 

 

Tonight, said the Belgian farmer, tonight we are going to eat rabbit

Edited by Silenoz
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Yorkshireman goes to the vet. "It's about me cat," he says. "It's started hissing and spitting whenever anyone goes near it."

 

The vet asks, "Is it a tom?"

 

"Nay, lad," replies the man. "I brought it wi' me!"

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A few week ago I went to the vet with my cat for its anual check-up.

In the waiting room there were to ladies with their dogs, one with a danish dog and one with a poodle, the latter with her arm in a brace. As they were talking, I couldn't help overhearing their conversation. 

 

So the lady with the danish dog asks why the other lady is there, and she tells a story about walking with the poodle in the streets, till the poodle suddenly saw a female dog, crossed the street so suddenly that she fell and broke her elbow, and finishes her story with the fact that he needs to be castrated.

 

And what's your story she askes to the lady with the Danish dog?

 

Well I was alone at home, watching the telly, when the remote fell under the sofa. While I was at my knees, reaching for it, my skirt went up and the Danish dog, well euh, jumped me...

 

Ah, ok, and some castration too? 

 

No, just to get his nails done...

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An American tourist is visiting Barnsley, and decided to go for a walk in Locke Park.  Whilst there he sees an old bloke sat on one of the benches, flat cap, muffler, stick. with a Border Collie sat by him.  The tourist, being a friendly kind of chap, as Americans are, walked up to the bench, sat down, and said the the old feller, 'Lovely day, isn't it?'  'Aye', says the old bloke.  A pause.  'Really nice park you have here.'  'Aye'  Slightly longer pause.  'Lovely dog, Border Collies are great I always say.'  'Aye'. Much longer pause, then the dog sees something and races off towards the bushes.  The old man reacts instantly 'Grieg, Greig, get back here, sithi.'  The dog returns and lies down again.  'So,' says the American, 'you're dog's called Grieg'.  'Aye'.  Pause.  'How did you come to give him that name?'  ''cos when he were a pup he used to pee agin't suite'.

 

 

Ok, I'll get me :coat:

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On 2/25/2021 at 1:27 PM, 593jones said:

Tha not wrong, lad.

In a past life I used to do missionary work with the natives around  Cleckhuddersfax

 

Selwyn

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4 hours ago, Selwyn said:

In a past life I used to do missionary work with the natives around  Cleckhuddersfax

 

Selwyn

Lucky you got away with your life. Probably thought you were spying on the Rhubarb Triangle.

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I went for a job as a labourer on a local building site. 
The boss said, "Can you make a cup of tea?" 
I said, "Yes." 
He said, "Can you drive a forklift?" 
I said, "Exactly how big is the teapot? 

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My wife got really mad when I told her she had no sense of direction. She packed up her bags and right.

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In the days of the Cold War a Soviet spy was dropped by parachute in the Welsh hills with instructions to contact Mr Jones in the small village of Llanfair and give him the coded message: “The tulips are blooming well today.”

 

Arriving at the village he asked a boy where Mr Jones lived and was directed to a small cottage.

 

He knocked on the door and the owner emerged: “Are you Mr Jones?”

“I am.”

“The tulips are blooming well today.”

Mr Jones stared at him in amazement then smiled: “Ah, you must have the wrong house, it's Jones the Spy you want.”

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