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Long (ish) Jokes.

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Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:  "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, and ... Oh...My God !"

 

Silence followed.......................... complete silence !.......................

 

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

 

"Ladies and  Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidently spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants ! "

 

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled " For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine ! "

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On another flight over the Atlantic, the pilot spoke to the passengers going through the usual things before settling back in his seat, but unfortunately, forgetting to switch the intercom off. The passengers could hear everything that was being said on the flight deck. "So what do you intend to do with yourself once we get to JFK?" the co pilot asked the pilot. "Well first of all, I'm going to have a long soak in the bath, then I'll go to Bernie's restaurant for a big steak, and then I'm going to give that pretty new stewardess a good seeing to". The stewardess in question heard this and was horrified and ran down the aisle to the flight deck, but she was stopped by a little old lady sitting in the front row. "Don't hurry dear. He's got to have a bath and dinner first".

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Young preacher, Nathan was sitting in a cafe eating his lunch. He opened an envelope he'd just received that morning from his mother and found that she had included a ten pound note. 

He thought to himself,  "Thanks Mum, I am sure that will come in handy". 

Nathan finished his food and as he left the cafe he saw a beggar leaning against the wall. Deciding the poor man could probably needed the money more than he did, he crossed out

the name and address on the envelope, and across the top in large letters wrote, - 'PERSEVERE'

So as to be discrete, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man.

The poor man picked it up and read the message and smiled. 

The next day, as Nathan was enjoying his meal, the beggar tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of money.

Surprised, the young preacher asked him what that was for. 

The man replied, "This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first and paid thirty-five-to-one!"

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A young man received a parrot as a gift. It had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"........

 

Simon.

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Last week I was shopping at a toy fair. I noticed a long queue at a counter; they were waiting for the shelves to be restocked with Mattel dolls.

As I looked I realised that in the queue was an old friend of mine. Knowing Len quite well I was sure that he had no daughters, nor did he have any nieces, so I wondered

why he should want to buy a doll at Christmas time
'Hey, Len,' I cried, 'I hadn't realised you collected dolls.'
'I don't,' he replied.
Really,' I said, 'then you must be buying a Christmas present?'
'No, not at all, my friend,' responded Len.
'If you don't mind my asking then,' I said, 'Why exactly are you standing here?'

'Oh that,' he said, 'I've just never been able to resist a Barbie queue.

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A wife wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.
Her husband said, "Why don't you go pick some of those mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?
“No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
“Well, I've seen wildlife eating them and they seem OK."
So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a handful. Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, she watched the dog.
The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success.
After everyone had finished, her daughter came in looking upset and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."
Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.
We'll pump out their stomachs and everything should be fine. Just keep them calm."
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.
The Paramedics and the doctor had their cases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was done the doctor came out and said, “Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.
The hosts and the guests were sitting around the living room recovering from the drama when the daughter came in and said to her mum,
“I can't believe that guy!"
“What guy?", said her Mum.

"The one who ran over Spot, he never even slowed down".

 

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I don't know how true this is, but I read it in a publication (possibly Readers Digest) many years ago, and was written about a well known conductor of one of Britain's finest orchestras. The orchestra was rehearsing a particularly intricate piece which involved a solo played by a female cellist. Time and time again the solo was rehearsed until finally, in exasperation, the conductor threw down his baton and shouted "Madam. You have between your legs something which can give mankind great pleasure.......but all you can do is scratch it!"

 

John.

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^^ That was the late, great Sir Thomas Beecham.  He also said, on being asked whether he’d ever conducted any Stockhausen, “No, but I’ve trodden in some”.

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My American friend is arranging a vist next year to watch the rugby with her husband.  She sent me this exchange with the airline reservation clerk which is quite eye opening.  I quote her:-

 

I booked my flight yesterday on United,   I often call instead of using the website because I get deals and information that I wouldn't get by using the website.

 

So anyway, the reservation agent asked me where I was going

I said:  Edinburgh, Scotland

Reservation guy:  Edinburgh, now where is that

Me: Scotland  (me with a questioning look on my face....didn't I just SAY Scotland?)

Reservation guy:  Scotland, o.k....now, is that part of the U.K.?

me:  uhhhhhh, yes  (now I"m in fully questioning of the guy's intelligence)

Reservation guy:  is that by England or by Ireland

me:  Just north of England  (me pretty sure of his stupidity by now, but holding out hope)

Reservation guy:  Now you'll need a visa to go to Scotland

me:  uhhhhhh, no....Americans do not need a visa to go to Scotland

Reservation guy:   oh, (click, click, click on his computer)..oh, .you'll be so happy...you don't need a visa...you can stay in Scotland, because it's part of the U.K., you can stay for 6 months if you want without a visa

Me:   yes, I'm aware of that

Reservation guy:  now, will you be renting a car

me:  no

Reservation guy:  well, if you do decide to rent a car do you know what side of the road they drive on...the "right side or the wrong side"  (now I'm fully convinced of his stupidity; no hope left for America)

me:  you don't need to worry about that

Reservation guy:  well, if you rent a car there you know that you'll need an international license

me:  uhhhh, no....Americans can drive in the U.K. using their US license

Reservation guy:  are you sure

me:  very sure

 

Reservation guy:  Now, you know you will not arrive until the following morning

me:  yes, I'm aware of that (its an overnight flight)

Reservation guy:  are you sure?  you understand that you will be on a flight overnight

me:  yes, I'm aware of that

Reservation guy:  so even though you depart on March 5, you won't land until March 6

me:  yes, I'm aware of that

Reservation guy:  are you o.k. with that?  

me:  yes  (but thinking....really?!!!!!  Like do I have a choice? Are you a complete nincompoop and how did you ever get employment?)

 

holy POOP !!!!!!!!

 

Somehow he managed to get the reservation correct and I immediately printed it out.  I think it was because he repeated the dates of departure and return 3 times to me....I thought he was confirming for me, but I think he was confirming for himself.

 

 

Ah Bless

 

 

 

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3 hours ago, JohnT said:

My American friend is arranging a vist next year to watch the rugby with her husband.  She sent me this exchange with the airline reservation clerk which is quite eye opening.  I quote her:-

 

(Quote deleted)

 

Ah Bless

 

 

 

Sadly, far too many of them seem to have difficulty understanding that anything exists outside the boundaries of the US ... ("Oh, you're from Australia? I LOVE that place! That's where they made Sound of Music, isn't it?")

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12 hours ago, pigsty said:

That was the late, great Sir Thomas Beecham.

Thanks for the confirmation. I thought that it was either him or Sir John Rubberbrolly.

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8 hours ago, Admiral Puff said:

Sadly, far too many of them seem to have difficulty understanding that anything exists outside the boundaries of the US

Oh, it can be worse than that. Try state boundaries. Years ago, we were on a driving holiday and had started out in California and then into Nevada. The aim was to head down through Utah, into Arizona and then back to California. We stopped over night at a motel in Nevada, near the state border with Utah and I asked the receptionist how far it was to Bryce Canyon. "Where's that?" she replied. I explained that it was a big tourist attraction in Utah and she said that she'd never heard of it. It's like living in Somerset and saying that you've never heard of Cheddar Gorge. The receptionist was probably in her mid 30's and claimed that she'd never been outside the state borders.

Another time, we were in LA and again, we were booking into a motel. My wife was wearing a brightly coloured T-shirt that she'd bought in Mauritius the previous year. "Oh, I see you've been to Las Vegas" said the receptionist. "No" replied my wife. "This is from Mauritius". "Where's that?"

No disrespect intended to our American cousins. We've got plenty in our own country with similar IQ's.

 

John.

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23 hours ago, pigsty said:

^^ That was the late, great Sir Thomas Beecham.  He also said, on being asked whether he’d ever conducted any Stockhausen, “No, but I’ve trodden in some”.

You thereby remind me of a couple of things.

 

In one of his memoirs Clive James talked about the school band in his days at Sydney Technical High School as playing Schoenberg.  I took that to mean they just sounded that way.

 

Before I lent it and never saw it again I had a jazz CD by the Louis Stewart Quartet, I think featuring Ritchey Buckley.  If I recall correctly from the sleeve notes by Irish Times jazz critic Ray Comiskey, he said to Buckley that free jazz was a fad whose time had passed.  Buckley reportedly replied, 'Can I have that in writing?'

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9 hours ago, Bullbasket said:

We've got plenty in our own country with similar IQ's

One day this forum really must have a discussion about the difference between stupidity and ignorance.

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14 minutes ago, pigsty said:

One day this forum really must have a discussion about the difference between stupidity and ignorance.

Simple, stupidity is those who forget to read the instruction, ignorance is those who choose not to read the instructions.

 

Simon.

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10 hours ago, Bullbasket said:

 

No disrespect intended to our American cousins. We've got plenty in our own country with similar IQ's.

 

John.

So do we. I believe you had one of them on one of your morning television shows the other day ...

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1 hour ago, Spookytooth said:

Simple, stupidity is those who forget to read the instruction, ignorance is those who choose not to read the instructions.

 

Simon.

 

Instructions? What're them then?           

 

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23 hours ago, Spookytooth said:

ignorance is those who choose not to read the instructions.

Ignorance is those who do not know instructions exist :smartass:

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On ‎1‎/‎9‎/‎2020 at 8:19 PM, Spookytooth said:

Simple, stupidity is those who forget to read the instruction, ignorance is those who choose not to read the instructions.

 

Simon.

Instructions?  We don't need no steenking instructions!

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On 1/9/2020 at 1:35 AM, Admiral Puff said:

Sadly, far too many of them seem to have difficulty understanding that anything exists outside the boundaries of the US ... ("Oh, you're from Australia? I LOVE that place! That's where they made Sound of Music, isn't it?")

I may have recounted this story before; if I have please forgive me.

 

I worked at Dover Hoverport for a couple of years.  At that time foreign visitors departing from the UK could go into the Customs Office there to begin the process of claiming back VAT on goods purchased in the UK and which they were now exporting.  I was in the office one day when an American tourist came in to do that.  ‘Is this where I get my VAT-tax back?” he asked.  “Yes sir,” replied the young Customs officer.  “Where are you resident?”  “Pardon?” replied the tourist.  “Where do you live?”  asked the officer.  “Pardon?” replied the tourist, obviously slightly confused.  The officer replied slowly, clearly enunciating each word “Where is your home?”  The tourist looked back at him, now obviously in trouble, then blurred out “Do you speak English?  I don’t understand it when you speak French at me like that!”  At that point I had to leave the office for fear of an uncontained discretion failure.  I spoke to the office later that day: he told me the tourist was convinced that, having passed through Immigration, he was now in France, still 21 miles and a 35 minute flight away.  There were others......🥺🙄

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7 hours ago, 593jones said:

Instructions?  We don't need no steenking instructions!

Blazing Saddles ?

 

Simon.

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7 hours ago, Spookytooth said:

Blazing Saddles ?

 

Simon.

Correct, but referencing the original in 'Treasure of the Sierra Madre'

 

 

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What about those people who are stupidly ignorant ?

 

Just asking :P

 

 

Dick

 

 

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