Long (ish) Jokes.

[stevehnz]

Try me, I'll probably think they're funny as all heck.

Steve.

[Tony C]

On 24/06/2019 at 06:19, stevehnz said:

OK, as long as its a groan with a wink, sort of thing, I'm cool.

Steve.

I'm sure that neither Jenko, Admiral Puff mean anything nasty nor would I think that Kiwidave4 would take any offence 

 

Personally, my feeling about the archeologist joke is that its worthy of the  emoji  not to mention Spookytooths' joke just prior!

 

Keep 'em coming...

Edited June 25, 2019 by Tony C

[jenko]

Totally correct Tony. Kiwidave4's humour is some of the best if not the best on this site. 

 

You do wonder how "bad" he can get?? 

 

Dave that is not a challenge 

Edited June 25, 2019 by jenko

[Tzulscha]

Wanna hear a terrible Joke?

Paper.

Pretty tear-able, huh?

 

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle.

so I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle.

So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

 

 

Three men are on a boat.

They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

 

 

 

Oh, sorry, I thought this was the punning thread...

 

[jenko]

Would it be an idea if we gave each joke a "groan" rating??

 

The last one was a good 3,1/2 groans. in my opinion.

 

Need a groan emoji...or some thing we can use.

 

Dick

 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 25, 2019 by jenko
Had a better idea

[JohnT]

Scotland Football Team gets a new striker for the national side. Watch out and goals galore coming. Actually his ball control is better than some I’ve seen in the blue jersey sadly. Certainly gets full marks on the “aw that’s cute” scale

 

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-scotland-48748148/deer-enjoys-playing-football-in-the-scottish-highlands

[Ratch]

Chief Red Bull had taken a bride and in due course she gave birth to a son. As was his family tradition, he stepped out of the tepee to see a hippopotamus in the river and duly killed and skinned the animal. He presented the hide to his squaw. As time passed he took another squaw and presented a grizzly fur on the birth of her son, and a third squaw received the hide of a golden hind. As the boys grew, there was a natural competition for each to try to assert their authority, and the eldest always was stronger than the two younger boys. Then the two youngsters decided to join forces in an attempt to beat their older brother into submission, but the older boy still held his own. The fight went on for hours until all three collapsed with exhaustion. Which just goes to prove that the son of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

[bentwaters81tfw]

1 hour ago, Ratch said:

Chief Red Bull had taken a bride and in due course she gave birth to a son. As was his family tradition, he stepped out of the tepee to see a hippopotamus in the river and duly killed and skinned the animal. He presented the hide to his squaw. As time passed he took another squaw and presented a grizzly fur on the birth of her son, and a third squaw received the hide of a golden hind. As the boys grew, there was a natural competition for each to try to assert their authority, and the eldest always was stronger than the two younger boys. Then the two youngsters decided to join forces in an attempt to beat their older brother into submission, but the older boy still held his own. The fight went on for hours until all three collapsed with exhaustion. Which just goes to prove that the son of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

My school science teacher told the class that one over 50 years ago.

[Ratch]

The old uns are the best

[Vince1159]

19 minutes ago, bentwaters81tfw said:

My school science teacher told the class that one over 50 years ago.

Hell i can't even remember if i had a science teacher,RE,Art/Maths etc,no problem (was that those little glass tubes and bowls that exploded when things went wrong)....

[Spookytooth]

38 minutes ago, Vince1159 said:

Hell i can't even remember if i had a science teacher,RE,Art/Maths etc,no problem (was that those little glass tubes and bowls that exploded when things went wrong)....

We had a science teacher there at our school, but the year I the first year I went to the big school, they shut the chemistry lab down for some reason.

 

Simon.

[Admiral Puff]

1 hour ago, Spookytooth said:

We had a science teacher there at our school, but the year I the first year I went to the big school, they shut the chemistry lab down for some reason.

 

Simon.

May have had something to do with the bomb production line ...

[Kiwidave4]

Went to town on the bus this morning and there was a mother with a small boy sitting in front of me.

 

The boy kept hanging over the back of his seat and pulling faces at me.

 

I said to him, "My mother always told me that if I pulled faces like that the wind would change and I would stay that way."

 

Cheeky sod said, "Well you cant say you did not have fair warning."

[stevehnz]

This ones a true story I was told today. My wife looks after a wee girl (4years) a couple of days a week, her parents are friends & the wife a work colleague of my wife. Mine was messaged today by the wee girls Mum, in stitches. The wee girls Dad was outside mowing the lawn when she opened the window & called out "Dad, can I have some of your money to put in my wallet?" Due to the noise of the mower this went unheeded, as did a couple of subsequent requests, so, after her lack of success, she shut the window, turned to her Mum & said, He didn't say no.

Steve.

Edited June 29, 2019 by stevehnz

[Ratch]

Are her patents pending 😚

[stevehnz]

Oh snot, thanks Ratch, even though I proof read twice, I reckon its a virus in my 'puter, changes letters as soon as I hit sobmit.

Steve.

[Spookytooth]

As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to play & sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I sang like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

As I sang & played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my keyboard and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost…

 

Simon.

[Kiwidave4]

This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths.

”Watch this," he said.

"Shep, what's seven plus two?”, he asked and the dog barked ten times.

"Ok, Shep, what's fifteen plus four?”

And the dog barked twenty times.

"He's very good," I said, “but he's a little over."

"Yeah," answered the farmer, ”Old habits die hard, he keeps rounding them up."

[Spookytooth]

A man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the 
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. 
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

 

Simon.

[nheather]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. 

While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?

 

Cheers,

 

Nigel

[Spookytooth]

Senior Sex -- This is the funniest thing I have ever read .......
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

Simon

[Tony C]

On 14/07/2019 at 03:05, Kiwidave4 said:

This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths.

”Watch this," he said.

"Shep, what's seven plus two?”, he asked and the dog barked ten times.

"Ok, Shep, what's fifteen plus four?”

And the dog barked twenty times.

"He's very good," I said, “but he's a little over."

"Yeah," answered the farmer, ”Old habits die hard, he keeps rounding them up."

 

Sorry its late but

[Tzulscha]

One hot summer day in a small town, a young boy was strolling down the street with his girl friend.

As they walked and window shopped, they came upon a shop owned by a Chinese man named Chan.

Among other things in his shop, Chan had hand carved figurines made of teak wood.

The girl friend exclaimed "Oh I would love to have one of those teaks!! They are beautiful!"

Well, as luck would have it, the girl friends birthday was only a week away and the young boy had not bought her a gift as yet.

After taking the girl home, he hurried back to the shop and asked Mr. Chan about the teaks.

"Oh teaks very fine quality" Chan replied "They are $20 apiece."

The boy said he only had $10 and told Chan what it was for and would he sell him a teak for that price.

Chan says no and tells the boy to leave.

The boy goes home thinking of a way to get one of those teaks for his girl friend.

Upon arriving home, the boy takes off his shoes and socks so his feet would cool off.

Just then, he sees a bear skin rug on the floor and has an idea.

He picks up the rug and goes downtown.

In his haste, the boy forgets to put his shoes back on, so he puts the rug over his head and goes into Chan’s shop and growls like a bear and goes over to the teaks and grabs one and goes out the door.

As he is leaving Chan yells at him: … "Come back — Boy foot bear with teak of Chan!"

[bhouse]

15 hours ago, Tzulscha said:

One hot summer day in a small town,...

Maybe it's an in joke in Michigan but I just don't get that at all. 😐

[bentwaters81tfw]

me neither