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Long (ish) Jokes.

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Well, that's 15 minutes of my life, I won't get back!

 

Even spent time trying to pronounce the oriental and bloody Welsh names correctly, just in case they were in useful in understanding the punchline and for what...:doh:

 

:D

 

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A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy. 

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. 

The condom has a number of patches on it. 

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence" says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. 

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout. 

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face. 

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.

“We'll have a new one.
 
Cheers,
Nigel
 

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On ‎20‎/‎04‎/‎2018 at 12:31 AM, Tony C said:

Well, that's 15 minutes of my life, I won't get back

Mwa ha ha ha ha! Heh heh!

 

On ‎20‎/‎04‎/‎2018 at 12:31 AM, Tony C said:

Even spent time trying to pronounce the oriental and bloody Welsh names correctly, just in case they were in useful in understanding the punchline and for what

No.  They were a distraction, just details to draw you ever further in.  Like any good diorama; provide lots of storytelling detail, and people will look for it and at it.

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Cletus & Billy Bob

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..

"But me 'n the wife been havin’ trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.

 

Simon.

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Professional Hillbilly Engineer Exam

 

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people down home are. We challenge any so-called smart Know-It-All to take this exam administered by the "Southern States Professional HILLBILLY Engineer Licensing Department.

 

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum. 

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
a '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet, a '67 Chevelle, or a '64 Pontiac GTO. Support your answer

 

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

 

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

 

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Harry was shipwrecked on a deserted island. For several months, he longed for someone to talk to; searched the horizons for even the suggestion of a ship.

One day, his commitment was rewarded: A beautiful woman was washed up onto the beach, floating on a large steamer trunk. Harry got her all settled, and fed, and dried off and they started talking.

April asked Harry, "what is something you've REALLY missed being out here on a deserted island for so long?"

"A clean shirt," was Harry's response. With a huff, April reached into the steamer trunk and tossed Harry a shirt.

April let out a short huff, but persevered: "Surely there's SOMETHING you've really missed out here...all alone...on an island with NOBODY all this time?"

"Oh wow, YEAH, there sure is: I'd REALLY like a dry pillow to sleep on

April reached into her steamer trunk once again and tossed Harry a pillow; and she would not be put off. Striking her most alluring pose, she asked in her most provocative voice, "C'mon, Harry, wouldn't you like to play around?"

Harry got all excited and started jumping up and down. "Don't tell me you have a set of GOLF CLUBS in there, too?!???!?!"

 

Simon.

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Jock & Jimmy were walking along a street in London.

Jock looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.

The sign read, “Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair”.

Jock said to his pal, “Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune.

Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us. I’ll put on my best London accent”.

“OK Jock, I’ll keep me mouth shut” said Jimmy

They go in and Jock said in a posh voice, “Hello my good man. I’ll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I’ll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap!

The owner of the shop said quietly, “You’re from Scotland, aren’t you?”

“Well yes,” said a surprised Jock. “What gave it away?”

The owner replied, “This is a dry-cleaners……..” !

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A terribly overweight blonde woman goes to her doctor about her weight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. 

“I want you to eat vegetables and grains for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for

2 weeks and the next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the blonde returned, the doctor was shocked to find she had lost nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded and said, “I have to tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead after the third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?”

“No, from skipping.”

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I was at a loose end for a couple of hours the other day so I went for a quick nine holes at my local golf course.  This old chap came up and asked if he could join me, as we were both singletons and it's always better to measure yourself against someone else.  I wondered if he might end up slowing me down, but I agreed.  To my pleasant surprise he turned out to be an asset.  He wasn't quick, but he played steadily and kept pace with me up and down the fairways.  But more than that, he offered really useful advice at every hole.  He'd been playing the course for years and seemed to know every wrinkle.

 

Eventually we reached the ninth and I hit a snag.  My tee shot went wide and fetched up at the edge of the course.  There was a huge pine tree directly between me and the green, and it was only a few yards away.  I scratched my head for a bit.  The old boy came up and said "That happened to me once, about thirty years back.  I just hit the ball straight over the tree and it was fine."  "Really?"  "Really."  Well, I was doubtful, but he had the experience ... so I lined up, swung the iron, and gave the ball a hefty whack.  It went straight up in the air, hit the tree about two-thirds of the way up, and fell back four feet behind me.  "Of course," says the old boy, "thirty years ago that tree was only three feet high ..."

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Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again. 
"Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns 
are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have 
always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win 
the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!" 
Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and 
the voice of God Himself thunders: 
"Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"

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An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out.

A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, "I'm a multimillionaire, I have a great big house,

the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)."

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life.

What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."

 

 

 

 

 

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini -
"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....
"Well, OK...but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel...

then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...
OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?

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Rules of Etiquette for Rednecks:

(please note, these rules apply to AMERICAN rednecks. Your own local rules may vary)

 

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

 

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

 

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.

 

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

 

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

 

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

 

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

 

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. 
 

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It was Sunday afternoon, but Tom was sitting in front of the TV. His wife asked, "Tom, don't you usually play golf with George on a Sunday?"

 

Tom looks at her and said, "I've played my last round of golf with that man."

 

His wife asked, "Why, whatever's the matter?"

 

Tom said, "Would you play golf with a man who consistently marks down the wrong score, moves his ball for a better lie when nobody is looking, and 'accidentally' makes a noise when you're trying to putt?"

 

"No, of course not," said his wife.

 

"Well," said Tom, "neither will George."

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Jesus and Moses are playing golf. On the 5th hole, a shot over water to an island green, Moses hits his 6-iron and it lands perfectly on the green. Jesus takes out his 7-iron and begins tee-ing it up.

Moses says: "The 7 isn't enough club. It'll go in the water"

Jesus replies: "If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it."

He swings the 7-iron and sure enough, straight in the drink. He tees up a second ball and grabs his 7-iron again. Again Moses reminds him of his previous attempt and Jesus says, "If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it." "PLOP" in the water, it goes again. He continues this until he has hit all his golf balls into the water. At this point, he begins walking out on the water looking down to locate his lost golf balls. The foursome behind them approaches the tee, spots Jesus out on the lake and says to Moses, "Hey, who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"

Moses replies, "No, Tiger Woods."

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