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Long (ish) Jokes.

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Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents.

When she rang the bell, Little Johnny opened the door.

The teacher said, "Hello, Johnny. I would like to talk to your mother or your father".

Little Johnny said, "Sorry, but they ain't here".

The teacher said, "Johnny, why is your grammar so bad?"

"Beats me," said Little Johnny, "but dad sure was mad that they had to go and bail her out again."

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As the coffin is being lowered into the ground at the funeral for a Traffic Warden suddenly there is banging and shouts coming from inside.

 

"Let me out, let me out, I'm not dead"

 

The vicar smiles, leans forward and whispers into the coffin

 

"Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork"

 

Cheers,

 

Nigel

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Farmer Tom is in the middle of ploughing a field when his tractor breaks down.  He tries to fix it but no joy and he must get the field finished today.

 

"I know I'll go and ask my old mate Farmer Bob, he is sure to help"

 

Tom and Bob are neighbours and have been firm friends since childhood, there is nothing they won't do for each other.

 

But Tom is a natural worrier and as he walks over to Bob's farm he ponders.

 

"What if Bob can't fix it"

"Well I could ask to borrow his tractor"

"But what if he is using it"

"What if he's lent it to someone else"

"What if he just doesn't want to lend it to me"

"What if …. What if …. What if …."

 

Eventually he arrives at Bob's farmhouse and knocks on the door.  After a short while the door opens.

 

Bob: "Hello Tom, lovely to see you, fancy coming across for a bite to eat and drink tonight.   Anyway, what brings you over, how can I help"

 

Tom "You can stuff your tractor up your bottom!"

 

Cheers,

 

Nigel

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Teacher. What is the chemical formula for water ?

 

Donald. H I J K L M N O.

 

Teacher. What are you talking about ?

 

Donald. Yesterday you said it's H to O.

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An elderly couple were sitting in church on Sunday morning, listening to the Vicar`s Sermon.
The old lady passes her Husband a note.
"My dearest husband, I have let a quiet fart go, what should I do ?"
The husband read the letter , turned it over and wrote.
:
" My wonderful wife, I suggest that you get some new batteries for your hearing Aid"

 

Simon.

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The only thing that flat earthers have to fear is sphere itself.

 

To the thief that took my anti-depressants, I hope you're happy !

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I went to a night club the other night.

Great fun, they played the twist, and I did the twist.

They played Jump, and I jumped.

They played Come on Eileen, and I am now barred from that club for life !

 

Simon.

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It’s the First World War, and Queen Mary is visiting the troops at a field hospital behind the lines.  She sits down next to one soldier lying on a bed with his foot heavily bandaged and up on a hoist.

“And why are you in here, my man?” she asks.

“Trench foot, ma’am,” he replies.

“I say, that sounds dreadful.  What treatment are they giving you?”

“Wire brush an’ Dettol, ma’am.”

“And what is your dearest wish?”

“To return to the front and carry on serving my country, ma’am.”

“Jolly good.”

 

She comes to the next bed, where a soldier is lying down on his front.

“And why are you in here, my man?” she asks.

“Haemorrhoids, ma’am,” he replies.

“Oh, how perfectly awful.  What treatment are they giving you?”

“Wire brush an’ Dettol, ma’am.”

“And what is your dearest wish?”

“To return to the front and carry on serving my country, ma’am.”

“Jolly good.”

 

She comes to the next bed, where a soldier has both legs covered in dressings.

“And why are you in here, my man?” she asks.

“Gangrene, ma’am,” he replies.

“Oh, you poor man.  What treatment are they giving you?”

“Wire brush an’ Dettol, ma’am.”

“And what is your dearest wish?”

“To return to the front and carry on serving my country, ma’am.”

“Jolly good.”

 

She comes to the next bed, where a soldier is sitting up with his jaw tightly bandaged.

“And why are you in here, my man?” she asks.

“Dreadful toothache, ma’am,” he replies.

“Oh, bad luck - but I do know the treatment for that.  So tell me, what is your dearest wish?”

“To get to the wire brush an’ Dettol before them other buggers!”

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