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Long (ish) Jokes.

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A Televangelist a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said: "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. The Rabbi replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that this is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door, "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that leaves only the Televangelist to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

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A very drunk Paddy met up a prostitute up a dark alleyway.

 

He asks "How much for full sex", "£20" she replies.

 

"OK" says Paddy and they get down to business.

 

Next minute a cop appears and shines a torch in their faces "Hello, what's going on here then" he asks.

 

"Nothing Officer, just having sex with my wife" say Paddy.

 

"Sorry Sir" apologises the cop, "I didn't realise it was your wife"

 

Paddy shouts "Neither did I till you shone your torch in her fecking face"

 

 

Cheers,

 

Nigel

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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years".

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BE CAREFUL IF SHOPPING IN ASDA OR TESCO'S

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever Eastern European scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Asda for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends....

Here's how the scam works: ...Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to the town centre.

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. On October 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th, and twice yesterday. So please warn all the men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch, and about 4:30 in the afternoon.

P.S. Sainsburys have cheap wallets on sale for £1.45 each but Asda wallets are £2.25 and look better

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