Long (ish) Jokes.

[huvut76g7gbbui7]

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.                                                                                                                                                                            He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

 "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

[Selwyn]

A man walks into a local pet shop.

 

"I would like to by a wasp if you please."

"Sorry," says the shopkeeper." We don't sell wasps."

 

"Well thats strange," says the man. "you have a couple of them in your window!"

 

Selwyn

[Kiwidave4]

A teenager was planning to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he went to rent a tux, but there was a long tux line at the shop and it took forever.

Next, he had to get some flowers, so he headed over to the florist and there was a huge flower line there. He waited forever but eventually got the flowers.

Then he headed out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there was a large limo line at the rental office, but he was patient and got the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes.

 

The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time.

 

When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and

 

........ there’s no punchline.

[Tony C]

Oh dear, need the emoticon, if I could be bothered to find it

[nheather]

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. 

Social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.

The couple produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean, well maintained and equipped with a beautiful bedroom for the child.

The social workers raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."

The social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

"Our nanny is a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare, and diet. In addition, there are 17 other children who travel with their circus parents."

The social workers were finally satisfied. They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits into the cannon."

 

 

 

 

 

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says,
"This is phenomenal.
You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.
However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers.
I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

"But wait," the man says.
"If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin.
He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer,
"that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed.
"Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

 

Cheers,

 

Nigel

Edited July 18, 2018 by nheather

[nheather]

A ventriloquist walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. 
He decides to have a bit of fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?" 

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, its just a dog stupid " 
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?" 
Dog: "Doin' all right thanks." 
Villager: (look of extreme shock) 
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager) 
Dog: "Yep" 
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Quite good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." 
Villager: (look of utter disbelief) 

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" 
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think." 
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?" 
Horse: "Cool" 
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded) 
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager) 
Horse: "Yep" 
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" 
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." 
Villager: (total look of amazement) 

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your goat?" 
Villager: (in a panic) "The goat's a fudgeing liar!"

 

Cheers,

 

Nigel

[Kiwidave4]

In Jamaica you can get a steak & kidney pie for $1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for $1.60 and an apple pie for $1.25.

 

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak & kidney pie will cost you $2.00, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is $1.70.

 

A steak & kidney pie in Trinadad and Tobago is $2.50, but you can get two for $3.50. They also do a meat and potato pie for $2.

 

 

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

[huvut76g7gbbui7]

A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

[Tony C]

10 hours ago, Scimitar said:

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

 

It would be doubly funny if it wasn't so true

[Tzulscha]

Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and
both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment
office.
 
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty
Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and 
thongs."
 
The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer
and finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.
 
Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied,
"Diesel fitter."
 
Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick
$160 a week.
 
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back
into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
 
The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and
Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."
 
"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on 
the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter!"

[Artie]

While on patrol across the Mediterranean HMS "Stutter", spots an enemy vessel a few miles away.....the watchman cries: "Ca,ca, ca, ca.........captain...!!!!"

"En,en, en, en.....enemy ves, enemy ves, enemy vessel at twel, twel, twelve o'clock...!!!"

 

"Re, re, re, ready, ai, ai, ai, aim, fi, fi, fi, fire....!!!" cries the captain.....

 

"Bo, Bo, Bo,...........bo, bo, bo..........bo, bo Boum...!!!!", roars the gun..........

[Spookytooth]

ROMANCE

Betty was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep but Betty was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...."
Mildly irritated, he reached across gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck...."

Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Betty asked..

"To get my teeth!"

 

Simon. 

[huvut76g7gbbui7]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied, "My wife's first husband."

[Black Knight]

On 09/08/2018 at 22:49, Tzulscha said:

Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and
both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment
office.
 ....
"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on 
the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter!"

A man I did some temporary seasonal work with caught me out with that one.

One day we were having lunch and chatting and we got round to what we normally did as work

He told me he was a 'diesel fitter'

I was restoring an American diesel car and having problems with it so I asked him if he would come round to mine and have a look at it

'I know nothing about engines' he says

But you just told me you're a diesel fitter

'I am; I work in the ladies underwear dept at Marks. I hold up the knickers and tell 'em deese'll fit her'

[Spookytooth]

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

 

Simon.

[Spookytooth]

ADVICE FROM RETIRED HUSBAND RON

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Lorraine to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break, when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man... I tell her to fix herself a nice big cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Lorraine was arrested and charged with murder...

The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

A hole in one, so to speak.

 

Simon

[bhouse]

This is doing the rounds in my circles but I haven't seen it here yet:

 

I’VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO’S
Yesterday I was at my local Tesco’s store buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had? An elephant?

So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with dog food nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

 

I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s bottom and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

 

I’m now banned from Tesco’s

[Kiwidave4]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What grounds do you have for divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"But" he said, "what are the foundations?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town."

"Do you have a grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport, so have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

[GordonD]

Man making his way home from the pub with several pints inside him. As he walks past the end of a dark alley he hears a woman's voice: "Hey, big boy, d'you fancy a good time?"

 

He's had enough to drink that his inhibitions are low, so he thinks "What the hell?" and goes into the alley. He's been enjoying himself for a few minutes when suddenly a policeman shines his torch into the alley and calls out, "Hey, what's going on there?"

 

The man thinks quickly and calls back, "It's all right, officer - I'm just having an amorous moment with my wife!"

 

The policeman says, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir - I didn't realise that the lady was your wife!"

 

"Don't worry about it," replies the man. "Until you shone your torch this way, neither did I!"

[Beardie]

A lady is visiting the zoo and she comes to the Chimpanzee enclosure. She throws a Chimp a peanut and is horrified when it sticks it where the sun doesn't shine then, removing it, eats it. She throws a few more nuts and it does exactly the same thing. She storms up to the keeper to complain that a chimp with such bad habits shouldn't be allowed in public. 

 

The keeper says "Ma'am that is one very clever chimp that is" to which she replies "I don't see how you could consider such disgusting behaviour clever" and the keeper replies " Well you see ma'am a while ago someone threw him a coconut".

[nheather]

A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”
The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djellaba.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djellaba protects the entire body."

The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”

"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son…”

"Why are we wearing all this sh*t when we live in Birmingham?"

 

Cheers,

 

Nigel

Edited September 10, 2018 by nheather

[nheather]

A month before my wedding, my fiancée told me she mistakenly left her favorite hoodie at her sister's apartment and asked me to go get it.
I knocked on the door and her sister answered, wearing yoga pants and a low-cut top. I'd always thought my fiancée's sister was hot but she was exceptionally sexy today. Her hair was still wet from a shower and when she gave me a hug I could smell the incredible lotion she always used.

She brought out the hoodie for me and as I was about to turn and leave she said "What's your hurry?"
I replied, "no hurry, just wanted to let you get back to whatever you were doing."
She said, "I know you're about to marry my sister, but I need you to know I think you're super hot, and I've always wanted to have sex with you. If you want to have a last little bit of fun before you walk down that aisle, it will stay between us forever."
Without saying a word I turned and bolted for the door as fast as I could, making a bee line for my car.

As I approached the car, I see my fiancée and her parents standing there with huge smiles on their faces. Her dad immediately said, "son, you just passed a pretty hard test there and I want you to know how happy I am to see my daughter marry such an upstanding young man."
The sister was now walking up from behind and she said, "I have to hand it to you there; I didn't think you'd turn me down."
I was dumbfounded. We all hugged and went out for dinner.

And the moral of the story is: Always keep your condoms in your glove compartment of your car.

 

Cheers,

 

Nigel

Edited September 11, 2018 by nheather

[huvut76g7gbbui7]

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner one day to grab some lunch. He ordered a cheeseburger, a coffee and a slice of apple pie.

Just as he was about to eat them, three big hairy bikers walked in.

The first biker grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a big bite from it.

The second biker picked up the trucker's coffee and downed it in one gulp.

The third biker ate the trucker's apple pie.

The truck driver didn't do anything or say a word as all this went on.

When they finished, he just paid the waitress and left.

The first biker said to the waitress, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"

"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He's just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorbikes."

[Kiwidave4]

Dave wanted a job as a signalman on the railways and was really excited when told to meet the Inspector at the signal box for an interview.

The Inspector asks, "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Dave says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains".

"What if the lever broke?" asked the Inspector.

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box", said Dave, "and I'd use the manual lever over there".

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then", Dave continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box".

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case", persevered Dave, "I'd run down and use the public phone at the level crossing up there".

"What if that was vandalised?"

"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get Trev".

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

"Because", says Dave, "he's always wanted to see a train crash".

 

[huvut76g7gbbui7]

Two friends are walking their dogs -- a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua -- when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant. 
The guy with the Dalmatian says, “Let’s get something to eat.” 
But the guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us.”  
So the first guy says, “Just follow my lead.” He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.  
“Sorry,” says the owner, “no pets allowed.”  
“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” the guy with the Dalmatian says.  
“A Dalmatian?”  
“Yes, they’re using them now.”  
The owner says, “Very well, then, come on in.”  
The guy with the Chihuahua repeats the process and gets the same response from the owner: “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.” 
“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” says the second guy.  
“A Chihuahua?” asks the incredulous owner.  
“A Chihuahua?!,” says the man in the dark glasses. “They gave me a Chihuahua?!”