Black Knight Posted June 25, 2023 Share Posted June 25, 2023 A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing £1000 bet. The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop. Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and lost the bet. Then one day, a scrawny wee man, (if he stood sideways you would not see him) wearing scratched glasses, a ten year old polyester suit, walked in and said, “I'd like to take on the bet." After the laughter had died down, the barman said, "Okay", grabbed the lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the lemon rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the wee man clenched his little fist around the lemon and squeezed it and a drop fell into the glass. Then he squeezed some more and another drop fell from the lemon. Without a word the wee man squeezed some more and a third drop fell into the glass The crowd in the bar were astonished and speechless As the barman paid the £1000 bet, he asked "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker, a weight-lifter, or what?" The little man quietly replied: "I’m a tax collector.” 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted June 29, 2023 Share Posted June 29, 2023 It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For crying out loud, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who got up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, but listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the damned porridge yet!! 1 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted July 8, 2023 Share Posted July 8, 2023 There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?" 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted July 16, 2023 Share Posted July 16, 2023 An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $50,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!" 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PattheCat Posted July 20, 2023 Share Posted July 20, 2023 A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his: Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?" “Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." “Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name." "Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba." ........... 1 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted July 29, 2023 Share Posted July 29, 2023 2 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted August 4, 2023 Share Posted August 4, 2023 A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you SOB's who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you SOB's who are getting on, get your backsides on the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are cheesed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." 1 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted August 10, 2023 Share Posted August 10, 2023 There were five people aboard an airplane having engine trouble getting ready to crash, however, there were only four parachutes. Everyone wondered what should be done to determine who should get the parachutes. One person said that he was the smartest thing that hit the face of the Earth, and that he was too smart to die. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. The second person said that she was too important to die, she had children and a family to take care of, and they depended on her to care for them. So, she took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. The third person said that he was too important to die because his family depended on him for survival. He was the head of household and the sole bread winner. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. Finally, there were only two people left, and one parachute. One person was a 12 year old boy, and the other was a 65 year old man. The old man said, "Well son, I have lived a good life, and you are too young to die, you have a long life ahead of you. So, you take the last parachute. The boy asked, "Why, Sir?" The old man said, "Well, there is only one parachute left." The little lad said, "Sir there are really two parachutes left." The old gentlemen asked, excitedly, "Yeah? How?" "Well," replied the boy, "you know that guy who thought he was the smartest and greatest thing that hit the face of the Earth? He grabbed my backpack." 1 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ArnoldAmbrose Posted August 11, 2023 Share Posted August 11, 2023 Gidday All, apologies if you've already heard this one. It's about Mahatma Gandhi. As you know he always walked around bare foot, so the soles of his feet had very tough skin on them. Due to his poor diet he had a rather frail physique. And again because of his poor diet he suffered from bad breath. This made him a "super-calloused fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis." Sorry, I'll get my coat. 😁 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted August 23, 2023 Share Posted August 23, 2023 A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivalled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she craps on you!" 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted September 17, 2023 Share Posted September 17, 2023 A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home! 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RAF4EVER Posted September 17, 2023 Share Posted September 17, 2023 (edited) The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack. Dopey, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?' Dopey asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?' The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .' In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?' The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .. 'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Dopey turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?' The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.' The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting...... Dopey sh****d a penguin!' Dopey sh****d a penguin!' Edited September 17, 2023 by RAF4EVER spelling 8 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RAF4EVER Posted October 14, 2023 Share Posted October 14, 2023 Tom Thumb, Snow White and Casanova visit a Fortune Teller. Tom Thumb goes in 1st, and after 5 minutes comes out with a big grin on his face, and says "I am the smallest guy in the whole wide world". Snow White then goes in, and after 10 minutes comes out with a big smile on her face and says "I am the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world". Casanova then goes in, and after 30 minutes comes out with a face like thunder and says "Who the hell is Bill Clinton". 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flyboy2610 Posted December 3, 2023 Share Posted December 3, 2023 Ole hadn't been feeling too well, so he went to see his doctor. A week later the doctor called Ole and told him to come in so he could go over the test results with him, and be sure to bring his wife, Lena. "Ole, I don't know any gentle way to tell you this, so I'm going to be blunt. You have an incurable disease, and there's nothing we can do to help you. Set your affairs in order, because you only have about two weeks to live." Ole was very quiet for a moment, and then turned to his wife, Lena. "Lena, I vant you to promise me sumting. I vant you to promise me dat after I'm gone, you'll marry Lars Larson." "Lars Larson? Ole, you've hated him all your life!" Ole said "Yup. Still do." Over the next two weeks, Ole got sicker and weaker. One afternoon, he woke up in bed and smelled the delightful aroma of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies wafting through the house. With every bit of strength he had, Ole made his way to the kitchen. He thought to himself "I guess Lena really does love me! She knows how much I love chocolate chip cookies, and she baked some to try to cheer me up!" He managed to pour himself a glass of milk, and sat down at the table. He had just taken one bite of a cookie when Lena walked in. "Ole! Vut in da vorld are you doing? You should be in bed, not out here eating cookies! Doze are for da funeral!" Well, Ole died. Lena went down to the local newspaper to have the death notice printed. The printer asked her what she wanted it to say. "Yust print 'Ole died.'" "That's all?" asked the printer. "Yes, dat's all." "Well, you know, Lena, the first 5 words are free." Lena thought for a moment. "OK, den print dis: 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'" Ole found himself standing in front of the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter told him "We've had so many people come up here lately that we've had to institute an admissions test. There are three questions, and you need to answer them all correctly in order to get through the Gate." Ole looked a bit worried. "I'm not too good at tests, but I'll give it a try. Vut are da qvestions?" Saint Peter said "The first one is a 2 part question, and you need to get both parts right. How many days of the week start with the letter "T", and what are they? The second question is: How many seconds are there in a year? The third question is: What is God's first name? You have 24 hours to come up with the answers." Deep in thought, Ole wandered off. 24 hours later he approached the gate again, with a look of confidence on his face. Saint Peter said "Ok, Ole, let's see how you do. Question one, part one: How many days of the week start with the letter "T"?" Ole said "Oh, dat one vuz easy. Dee answer is 2." "Very good, Ole. Now for the second part of the question: What are they?" Ole said "Today and tomorrow." Saint Peter looked a bit perplexed, but he said "Well, I guess I didn't clarify the question too well, so I'll give you that one. But you need to get the next two right. Question 2: How many seconds are there in a year?" Ole said "Vell, dis one vuz a little harder, but after tinking about it for a vile I realized the answer is 12." "12? Ole, how can there only be 12 seconds in a year?" Ole said "Vell, dere's January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd......." Saint Peter stopped him and said "OK, Ole, I see where you're going with this. I guess I wasn't real specific about the answer I wanted on that question, either, so I'll give you that one, too. But you HAVE to get the last question right! Question 3: What is God's first name?" Ole said "Now, dis vun vuz da hardest uff dem all! I taught and taught and taught, but I yust couldn't come up vit dee answer! And den, all of sudden, I realized vut it vuz. Dee answer is Andy." "Andy?! OK, Ole, let's hear how you came up with THIS one!" "Vell, like I said, I yust couldn't figure it out. And den, all uff a sudden, I remembered dat old song vee used to sing in Sunday School ven I vuz yust a boy: Andy walks vit me, Andy talks vit me, Andy tells me I am his own......" Saint Peter smiled, reached down and pushed a button. Lights flashed, music played, and the Pearly Gates swung open. Saint Peter said "Run, Ole! Run just as fast as you can!" 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PattheCat Posted December 3, 2023 Share Posted December 3, 2023 In the desert of Nevada, a tourist ran out of gas. Not a single car in sight. Fortunately for her, an Indian on horseback arrived, stopped and said: - Get behind me, I'll take you to the next gas station... And he gallops off with her... All the way, he shouts: "Yay! Yahoo!". He drops her off at the gas station and gallops away, shouting "Yay! Yahoo!" to the wind. "He looked very merry, the Indian!" said the petrol station attendant to the tourist. "What did you do to him?" "I don't know! Nothing at all! I was behind him on the horse, with my arms around his waist, and I was holding on to the pommel of his saddle". "But, my little lady, don't you know that Indians always ride without saddles?" 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 It's demob time in the army, and as things have gone so well there's a new wheeze. "Every retiring soldier is entitled to a bonus," says the captain. "You'll be awarded £10 for every centimetre measured between the two body parts of your choice. Private, you're first." "I'll have it measured from my feet to the top of my head," he says. Out comes the tape, and it comes to 175cm, so he leaves £1750 richer. "Corporal?" The corporal's a lanky guy, so he chooses to be measured from the tip of one outstretched hand to the other. A few minutes later he's £1830 to the good. "Right, sergeant, you're the last." "I'll take it as the distance from my left eye to my right eye." "You sure?" "Absolutely." He takes off his sunglasses and the captain steps up. "Hang on, sergeant, where's your right eye?" "I left it at the battle of Jebel Akhbar," the sergeant says. "I'll take a cheque." 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silenoz Posted February 7 Share Posted February 7 A farmer needed to buy a rooster for his chickens Another man had a rooster for sale. The farmer goes to buy the rooster. The man tells him this is Brewster, he will service your chickens, but he is a sex addict and will go after anything. The farmer buys Brewster and takes him home. Brewster goes through the henhouse, then starts on the farmers sheep and other barnyard animals. After a couple days of this, the farmer tells Brewster, “You gotta slow down or you'll kill yourself.” After a week of Brewster going after every animal on the farm, the farmer comes out and sees Brewster laid out in the yard, vultures are already circling. The farmer, cussing, tells the corpse of his rooster, “I told you you'd kill yourself if you didn't stop your sex crazed ways.” Brewster opens one eys and says, “Shut up, they're about to land.” 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
593jones Posted February 7 Share Posted February 7 1 hour ago, Silenoz said: A farmer needed to buy a rooster for his chickens Another man had a rooster for sale. The farmer goes to buy the rooster. The man tells him this is Brewster, he will service your chickens, but he is a sex addict and will go after anything. The farmer buys Brewster and takes him home. Brewster goes through the henhouse, then starts on the farmers sheep and other barnyard animals. After a couple days of this, the farmer tells Brewster, “You gotta slow down or you'll kill yourself.” After a week of Brewster going after every animal on the farm, the farmer comes out and sees Brewster laid out in the yard, vultures are already circling. The farmer, cussing, tells the corpse of his rooster, “I told you you'd kill yourself if you didn't stop your sex crazed ways.” Brewster opens one eys and says, “Shut up, they're about to land.” 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silenoz Posted March 5 Share Posted March 5 an elderly pair went to visit Jerusalem. After a few days, suddenly his wife dies unexpected... At the funeral house the boss tells the husband that he has 2 options: - bury her here in Jerusalem for 150£ - bury het at home for 5000£ The hubby thinks a few moments and then says he will pay the 5000£, to which the funeral guys tells asks him if really doesn't want his wife burried in sacred ground and save a lot of money... And the hubby says: some mere 2000years ago you burried here some fellow, and after 3 days he returned.. I won't take that chance 1 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted March 9 Share Posted March 9 Two old guys, one 80 and the other 87 were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.” So on the way home the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, “do you have any rye bread?” She said, “yes, would you like some?” The old guy said, yes, 5 loaves please.” She said, “my goodness 5 loaves! By the time you get to the third loaf, it’ll be hard.” The old man says to himself, I can’t believe everybody knows about this! Simon. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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