Long (ish) Jokes.

[Spookytooth]

A married couple at a Zoo walk past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'

Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.

'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.'

Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.'

The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.

Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!'

The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now ,was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her.

The woman yells: 'Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!'

Mark replies: 'Now, tell him you have a headache and you're not in mood ... Let us see if Gorillas and Men are the same..

 

Simon.

[Spookytooth]

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him for the weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.

Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.

They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event – hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.

About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."

Sally replied, "I can't understand that. Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."

 

Simon.

[Admiral Puff]

WHAT?! Boy Scouts not starting a fire by rubbing two sticks together? What IS the world coming to??

[Spookytooth]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…”

The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.”

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.”

The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.”

“Coming up,” says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”

The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”

“Coming right up,” the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”

 

 

Simon.

[Spookytooth]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior .. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as

the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the f'n putt, didn't you?'

 

Simon.

[Markh-75]

Two guys at the beach, and one was attracting the girls, the other was feeling a bit left out so he asked his friend why it was, what could he do?

 

"I dont know, girls just come flocking to me, I must be lucky; what you could do is put a potato in yer budgie smugglers, see how that goes"?

 

Next day he appears at the beach with his friend and all the girls looked, laughed and stayed well away!

 

Later that day, he said to his friend, 'Some pal you turned out to be; a potato down my trunks?! didnt work did it, in fact it made it worse'! 

 

"Next time; put the potato in the front of your trunks"!!!!

[Markh-75]

Blonde joke.

A young blonde lass was getting fed up with being labelled as a dizzy, dumb blonde so she had her hair dyed!

She was out walking down a lane in the country and came across a farmer leaning on a gate, the field was full of sheep.

 

"My goodness! That's alot of sheep! If I can guess exactly how many there are, can I have one"?

 

'Be moi guest' said the farmer,

She looked thoughtful and after a couple of minutes she announced, "234"!

 

'Well, that's uncanny, amazing! Absolutely correct! well, on ye go and get one then'.

 

She climbed over the gate into the field and after a few minutes of chasing around the field she had caught one and had it under her arm, triumphant!

The farmer said, 'If Oi can guess what colour hair you used to 'ave; can I get me dog back'?

 

😂🤣

[Spookytooth]

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

 

Simon.

[RAF4EVER]

From Dutch News:

 

Thyme served: Dutch prisons get ready to go vegan.

 

Dutch prisons are to go vegan in an effort to cut costs, reduce aggression and slash carbon emissions. The Netherlands has 27 prison locations and all will make the switch within the next few months, officials have confirmed. ‘Research has shown that reducing meat consumption leads to a decrease in undesirable behaviour, including violence,’ says government adviser Bas ‘t Aard, who is spearheading the initiative. His working group, Meatless Optimisation Options (MOO), has been looking into ways to use food to encourage positive outcomes for diverse segments of society. In addition, research suggests that by going entirely vegan, the prison sector could see a 21% reduction in its carbon footprint, even after accounting for 15% more (man-made) methane gas emissions. Plant-based eating is also likely to be cheaper, especially since the Dutch government is investigating a tax on meat. The new plan includes reducing the size of outdoor exercise areas and replacing them with kitchen gardens, which prisoners will manage, further cutting costs and increasing rehabilitation benefits from communing with nature, says ‘t Aard.

Problem

 Following schools in New York and Dutch local councils, all-vegan prison menus have won the green light despite problems at several institutions during an experimental phase. At the Aard LeBoer detention centre in Noord-Brabant, prisoners used the vegetable gardens to produce high grade marijuana last year. ‘A number of prisoners said they were very experienced at growing things but they did require a lot of tomato fertiliser,’ said gardening expert Wiet Pot. And at the UN Reformed prison in Groningen, inmates experimented with growing different species of funghi rather than cabbage and corn. ‘The mushroom egg-free omelettes were very popular,’ prison cook Gordon Bleu confirmed. ‘They disappeared as if by magic

Special cake

Prison guards meanwhile discovered several foot-long, serrated knives, which were believed to have been smuggled inside in a four-tier vegan birthday cake. The trial also breathed new life into a joint initiative between Norway and the Netherlands that saw 250 Norwegian criminals accommodated in Dutch prisons to relieve overcrowding. Norwegian justice spokesman Jan Bjørn Evriminit said there had been a surge in prisoners applying for transfers to Dutch jails, which already offer them less work and more phone time. ‘We couldn’t understand what was going on,’ he said. ‘The number of applicants has never been higher. Then we heard them talking about extra weeding and cooking duties and the penny dropped.’

Let them eat kale’

Surveys showed a lack of something to get their teeth into was a problem for a number of inmates, but officials denied rumours that some had resorted to cannibalism. One enterprising café owner did, however, start offering drone deliveries of spare ribs, shoarma wraps and eggs during exercise breaks. ‘They said it was normal to drone-lift yogurt into prisons, so I didn’t bat an eyelid when I started getting orders for meat,’ said the owner of the Chef T. restaurant in Overtreding. ‘They don’t mind rookworst and stamppot but this gov’nor would only let them eat kale. Our drops went great, until someone forgot to hard-boil the eggs.’ Even so, after a month, the prisons in the trial reported that kitchen staff faced 20% less abuse than before, inmates began to queue quietly and some even displayed an appetite for the food, particularly dishes including herbs and spice.

Potato eaters

 ‘The new menu will have something for everyone, even those who miss meat,’ said nutritionist Kien Wah, who is developing a range of prison meals at the EBI Institute. ‘Think porridge with skimmed milk for breakfast, and battered veg for lunch. Dinner could be a salted stir fry followed by crime brûlée or bad apple pie.’ Garry, a taxi driver from Liverpool, who is serving six months in a Dutch jail for breaking the Brexit coffeeshop ban, told Dutch News via EncroChat that he did not know what all the fuss was about. ‘Dutch food is just mashed potato anyway,’ he said. ‘Kroket and frikandel have never been near a cow.’

Read more at DutchNews.nl:

 

 

 

 

[Spookytooth]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

 

Simon.

[593jones]

That reminds me of a joke Dave Allen told:

 

A man has spent the evening in his local, and, seriously under the influence, sets off home.  He decides to take a short cut through the graveyard, and stumbling along, falls into an open grave dug for a funeral the next day.  He tries to get out, but its been raining heavily and the sides are too slippery to climb, so after several attempts he decides to wait until morning and sits down in the corner.  Shortly after, another drunk comes stumbling through the graveyard and he falls into the grave.  He's trying, unsuccessfully, to climb out when a hand falls on his shoulder, and a voice says in his ear 'You'll never get out'.  

 

But he did!

Edited June 6, 2022 by 593jones

[PattheCat]

15 hours ago, 593jones said:

But he did!

 

And very fast! 🤣

[Ratch]

Sixteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.

4. Dogs' parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're wee weed.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.

11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.

13. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick 'em.

15. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.

And last, but not least:

If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.

To verify these statements:

Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.

Then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you....

[pigsty]

[oops, wrong forum]

[Spookytooth]

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,

“I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”.

The four men didn’t wait for a second threat.

They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realized why.

It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

The moral of the story?

If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.

 

Simon

[Spookytooth]

A lady goes to her priest one day & tells him:

''Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.''

"What do they say?" the priest asked.

They say, ''Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?''

''That's obscene!'' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment......

"You know,'' he said, ''I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, & we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, & your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.''

''Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.''

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads & praying...

Impressed, She walked over & placed her parrots in the cage with them...

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence...

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at

the other male parrot & says...

'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered !!!

 

 

Simon.

[pigsty]

A librarian is working away quietly one afternoon, stamping books and putting them on the trolley, when a chicken walks in.   The chicken comes up to the counter and says "book, book, book".  The librarian looks around, shrugs, and hands the chicken three books.  Off it goes, books under one wing.

A couple of days later it's another peaceful afternoon when the chicken returns.  It goes up to the counter and says "book, book, book".  The librarian gives it three more books and off it goes again, books under one wing.

This goes on for a few weeks.  Then one day the chicken turns up and says "book, book, book".  "Hang on," thinks the librarian, "three weeks are up and it's not brought back that first lot."  So she does nothing.  But the chicken just stands there, peering up at her, and saying "book, book, book".  Eventually she gives in, just to be rid of the thing - she hands it another three books and off it goes with them under one wing.

This too goes on for a few weeks.  By now the chicken has had several dozen books and not returned one of them.  Nothing the librarian does seems to get the message across.  Every time the chicken turns up, it ends up leaving with three books under its wing.  By now she's getting worried.  The missing books are starting to show, and she thinks she might get into a bit of trouble - not least for lending books to a chicken.  So one day she decides to do something about it.

The chicken arrives, walks up the counter, and says "book, book, book".  The librarian hands it three books and off it goes with them under one wing.  When it's turned the corner the librarian lifts the counter and tiptoes out after it.  She trails it down the road, and across the park, and through the town, and past the school, and through a gate onto a farm, and down the farm track, and past the barn and the hayloft and even the chicken run, until at last she sees it by the side of a pond.  She hides behind a couple of milk churns to watch.

The chicken puts down the books and says "book, book, book".

A frog crawls up out of the pond and picks them up.

One by one it throws the books over its shoulder into the deepest part of the pond.  And every time it does that, it says "reddit - reddit - reddit".

[Silenoz]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane’ The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’

The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand’

‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’

The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’

The old lady replied…… ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.

[Spookytooth]

What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I'm glad you asked...

12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR. It's suppose to be grape flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.

12:06 pm: You eat a handful of chips, It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life.

12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted crap in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser.

Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.

12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1...

12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The crap/ water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down.

Is that blood?

False alarm.

That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your butthole to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid fart as it gurgled out of your butt.

1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have crapped out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your butt now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it.

You're now curled up in the bathtub crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats.

You meet Jesus.

8:37 pm: You're broken.

Your butthole is broken.

Your spirit's broken.

Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear have and you're going to run up to Walmart with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it.

 

 

Simon.

[Kiwidave4]

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the motorway. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the boot. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn’t believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. Cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men, and of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

 

It wasn’t long before a police car pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

“What’s going on here?”

“My car has a flat tyre.”

“Well what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?”

I couldn’t believe he didn’t know. So I told him,

“Those are my emergency flashers!”

[Spookytooth]

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic.

It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio:

“Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive.

He loops back next to the Airbus and asks:

“Well, how was that?”

The Airbus pilot answers:

“Very impressive, but watch this!”

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens.

It continues to fly straight, at the same speed.

After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios,

“Well, how was that?

Confused, the jet pilot asks,

“What did you do?”

The AirBus pilot laughs and says:

“I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry.”

The moral of the story is:

When you’re young, speed and adrenaline seem to be great. But as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.

This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older and Smarter.

 

Simon.

[Rob G]

5 hours ago, Spookytooth said:

An Airbus 380

 

When I first heard that one, it was a B-52 and an F-4, and the BUFF driver added that he'd shut down 2 engines. 

[Pete Robin]

A very well to do gentleman walks into a ratty down at heels pawn shop in a back alley somewhere in London.

Good Morning my man, can you lend me £100 pounds for a month against my vintage Rolls Royce.

Eh? £100 pounds for a month? Sure, no problem, but it'll cost yer £125 to get it back.

That's fine my fellow.

He takes the cash, folds it into his wallet and makes to leave. Before he does, he turns and says that the owner had better look after the car or there would be trouble.

Fearing reprisals the shop keeper puts the car into a garage, covers it, triple locks the place and employs his son to watch over the vehicle.

One month later the gentleman returns, claims his car, inspects it, pays over the £125 and leaves.

A few weeks later he returns. Same story. £100 for the car for one month, to be looked after carefully.

One month later he walks in and pays the £125 and leaves.

This happens several times over the course of the year. Being inquisitive the old shopkeeper has to know what's going on.

The next time the gent shows up, after doing their business, he plucks up the courage to ask.

Excuse me, but I've got to know. How come you only ask for £100 each time when it's clear that you really don't need the cash?

The gent turns, smiles and says, I know, but where else in London can one park a Rolls for a month for £125?

 

[Dave Swindell]

17 hours ago, Pete Robin said:

but where else in London can one park a Rolls for a month for £125?

Err, if he got loan of £100 and repaid £125 it only cost him £25 for the month.....

[Pete Robin]

5 hours ago, Dave Swindell said:

Err, if he got loan of £100 and repaid £125 it only cost him £25 for the month.....

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