Long (ish) Jokes.

[Silenoz]

A Texan farmer visited his Belgian relative who was also a farmer.

 

When they drove home from the airport the Belgian farmer did a tour of his domain, and they drove for 4 hours. So he said, all these lands are mine... To which the Texan responded: Is that all? If I'd do that, I would be away for a week at least.

 

Then they visited his stable which housed 15000 cows. The Texan, totally unimpressed, responded: 15000 cows? oh comon, I have 150000 animals on my grounds...

 

The belgian farmer was steaming, went inside the house, took his shotgun, and shot his donkey... What are you doing said the Texan, a bit in fear... 

 

Tonight, said the Belgian farmer, tonight we are going to eat rabbit

Edited February 24, 2021 by Silenoz

[GordonD]

Yorkshireman goes to the vet. "It's about me cat," he says. "It's started hissing and spitting whenever anyone goes near it."

 

The vet asks, "Is it a tom?"

 

"Nay, lad," replies the man. "I brought it wi' me!"

[Silenoz]

A few week ago I went to the vet with my cat for its anual check-up.

In the waiting room there were to ladies with their dogs, one with a danish dog and one with a poodle, the latter with her arm in a brace. As they were talking, I couldn't help overhearing their conversation. 

 

So the lady with the danish dog asks why the other lady is there, and she tells a story about walking with the poodle in the streets, till the poodle suddenly saw a female dog, crossed the street so suddenly that she fell and broke her elbow, and finishes her story with the fact that he needs to be castrated.

 

And what's your story she askes to the lady with the Danish dog?

 

Well I was alone at home, watching the telly, when the remote fell under the sofa. While I was at my knees, reaching for it, my skirt went up and the Danish dog, well euh, jumped me...

 

Ah, ok, and some castration too? 

 

No, just to get his nails done...

[593jones]

An American tourist is visiting Barnsley, and decided to go for a walk in Locke Park.  Whilst there he sees an old bloke sat on one of the benches, flat cap, muffler, stick. with a Border Collie sat by him.  The tourist, being a friendly kind of chap, as Americans are, walked up to the bench, sat down, and said the the old feller, 'Lovely day, isn't it?'  'Aye', says the old bloke.  A pause.  'Really nice park you have here.'  'Aye'  Slightly longer pause.  'Lovely dog, Border Collies are great I always say.'  'Aye'. Much longer pause, then the dog sees something and races off towards the bushes.  The old man reacts instantly 'Grieg, Greig, get back here, sithi.'  The dog returns and lies down again.  'So,' says the American, 'you're dog's called Grieg'.  'Aye'.  Pause.  'How did you come to give him that name?'  ''cos when he were a pup he used to pee agin't suite'.

 

 

Ok, I'll get me 

[Circloy]

Tha c'n alus tell a yorkshireman, but tha can't tell 'im much.

[593jones]

Tha not wrong, lad.

[Selwyn]

On 2/25/2021 at 1:27 PM, 593jones said:

Tha not wrong, lad.

In a past life I used to do missionary work with the natives around  Cleckhuddersfax

 

Selwyn

[bentwaters81tfw]

4 hours ago, Selwyn said:

In a past life I used to do missionary work with the natives around  Cleckhuddersfax

 

Selwyn

Lucky you got away with your life. Probably thought you were spying on the Rhubarb Triangle.

[Kiwidave4]

I went for a job as a labourer on a local building site. 
The boss said, "Can you make a cup of tea?" 
I said, "Yes." 
He said, "Can you drive a forklift?" 
I said, "Exactly how big is the teapot? 

[GordonD]

My wife got really mad when I told her she had no sense of direction. She packed up her bags and right.

[-Ian-]

In the days of the Cold War a Soviet spy was dropped by parachute in the Welsh hills with instructions to contact Mr Jones in the small village of Llanfair and give him the coded message: “The tulips are blooming well today.”

 

Arriving at the village he asked a boy where Mr Jones lived and was directed to a small cottage.

 

He knocked on the door and the owner emerged: “Are you Mr Jones?”

“I am.”

“The tulips are blooming well today.”

Mr Jones stared at him in amazement then smiled: “Ah, you must have the wrong house, it's Jones the Spy you want.”

[Kiwidave4]

A lady walked in to a Chemists and asked to buy some arsenic.

The chemist asks, "Why do you want it?"

She says, "To kill my husband."

The Chemist says, "Well I am sorry but I can't sell you arsenic."

So the lady reaches into her handbag, pulls out a photo of her husband in a compromising situation with the Chemists wife.

The Chemist considers this for a moment and says, "Ah, you did not mention that you had a prescription."

[Kiwidave4]

A man with two buckets of fish was leaving Loch Lomond, well known for its fishing, and was stopped by a game warden.

The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this beach and let them swim around for about a half-hour,

when I whistle, they all come back, jump back into my buckets, and I take 'em home. We do this every night."

"That's a bunch of hooey," said the warden. "Fish can't do that!"

"No, really! says the man. "Here, I'll show you." And he releases the fish in the loch.

"Well, I've GOT to see this!", the game warden replied.

The man and the warden stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man asked.

"When are you going to call them back?", the game warden huffs.

"Call who back?", the man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?"

 

 

[Black Knight]

Something someone wrote in another section reminded me of something, a funny story.

 

A number of years ago I was in a butcher shop. It was close to Christmas time and all the fresh turkeys were hanging from a rail.

A man was stood looking along all the turkeys

One of the butchers asked  'can I help you?'

Man, 'yes, I'm looking for a 20 pound turkey'

Butcher comes over, looks along the turkeys and gets a really big bird down, he takes it over to the scales and says to man 'this one is 20 pound 6 ounces. It will be 35.50'

'No' says the man 'I want a 20 pound turkey'

Butcher, 'I think this one is about as close as we can get to 20 pounds'

'No' says the man 'I want a 20 pound turkey' and he pulls out some bank notes to the value of £20

[Kiwidave4]

The forest animals were concerned that their habitat was being destroyed by logging, so they consulted the

oldest wisest tree in the middle of the forest to ask what they could do to save it.

The wise old tree thought about it and said, "Perhaps the bears can scare the loggers away".

The bears snarled and charged the loggers to scare them. It worked initially, but then the loggers hired hunters and soon there were no bears left to scare anyone. 

The logging resumed and the forest animals returned to the wise old tree for advice. This time the wise old tree suggested that the birds

swoop down and peck the loggers to disrupt their work day. This too worked for a while until the loggers hired some falconers to hunt the birds.

Soon there were not enough birds to halt their progress so the loggers resumed.

At this point the loggers were getting very close to the wise old tree, so the forest animals came back once more to see what the tree had to say.

The wise old tree then suggested that all the squirrels and mice chew through the cables of the loggers' power tools,

saws and other equipment so that the tools could no longer cut down the trees. While this did slow the loggers down, they quickly switched to

manual saws and axes while their mechanised equipment was repaired and carried on.

The day eventually came where the loggers had reached the wise old tree in the middle of the forest and chopped it down. 

Later that night the remaining forest animals sadly visited the dying tree and asked one last time if there was anything they could do to save the rest of the forest.

The tree let out a weak sigh and said, "Sorry guys, I'm stumped".

[CedB]

Where is the GROAN reaction! We need it, badly

 

[Kiwidave4]

A young lad says to his father, "Dad I've decided to join the army".

 

His Dad says, "Well son, I'm so glad you've decided to do something positive with your life, and as you know

I'm an ex-soldier myself, so I'd like to help you in any way l can.

You're roughly the same size as l was when l joined up, and I've still got my old uniform in a case in the loft.

Go up and get it from the case and try it on, so you can get an idea of what it feels like to wear a uniform.

Oh, and you'll also find a backpack, a water bottle and my tin helmet too. Bring them all down and try them on".

 

The son comes back down from the loft with the uniform on, looking very pleased with himself.

 

His Dad stands there full of nostalgia, "Well Son, you look great", he says.

 

The son says, "Dad, if l get the broom will you teach me some rifle drill?"

 

His Dad says, "Listen, son this is a secret between you and me. I've still got a rifle, but for God's sake no one must ever know, ok?"

 

"Wow! Dad!" says the son, "I'll never breathe a word, where is it?"

 

His Dad says, "Climb back up into the loft, put your hand under the tank and you'll find it".

 

The son says, "YOU'VE GOT A TANK AS WELL!"

[GordonD]

Everybody has heard of Tarzan, but not many know the ultimate fate of the Lord of the Jungle.

 

One sad day, he was swinging through the trees when a vine snapped and he fell sixty feet to the ground and broke his neck. The natives who found him, mindful of the many occasions when he had come to their aid, decided to grant him the greatest honour that their tribe could bestow - they made his body into musical instruments so that even after his death he could bring pleasure to those around him.

 

His thigh bones were boiled until all the marrow had gone, then holes were drilled along their length to convert them into flute-like instruments. His finger bones were placed in his skull to make a rattle. His skin was stretched across his pelvis to form a drum, played by striking it with the bones from his forearms. And most elaborate of all, his intestines were dried in the sun then strung across his ribcage to create a kind of primitive harp.

 

As befitting the skill and length of time required to create this last one, it became the property of the tribal leader, who vowed that it would be passed down to his son and then to his son, down through the family so that their hero's memory could be kept alive by the chiefs playing Tarzan's tripes forever.

[Black Knight]

Pat and Mick were sitting in Mick's wee boat fishing on Lough Fea. 

Pat says to Mick "Its my 21st birthday today"

Mick replies "Oh aye, so it is"

Pat says "On me Da's 21st birthday he walked across this lough over to O'Bannion's for a pint and a wee dram"

"Oh aye?" says Mick

"And on his 21st birthday me aul granfayther walked across this lough to O'Bannion's for a pint and a wee dram" says Pat

"Oh aye?" says Mick

"Well, as its MY 21st birthday I'm going to walk across this lough over to O'Bannion's and get me a pint and a wee dram" says Pat

"Oh aye?" says Mick

So up gets Pat, steps out of the wee boat onto the water and immediately sinks right up to his oxters

Before he goes under for a third time Mick hauls Pat out of the water and back into the boat

Pat and Mick decided to stop with the fishing and for Pat to get home to dry out

 

Back home, sitting in front of the fire drying out Pat says to his granny

"Granny, on me Da's 21st birthday he walked across Lough Fea over to O'Bannion's for a pint and a wee dram"

"Oh aye" says Granny

"And on his 21st birthday me aul granfayther walked across Lough Fea to O'Bannion's for a pint a and wee dram" says Pat

"Oh aye" says Granny

" Its my 21st birthday today" says Pat

"Oh aye" says Granny

"I tried to walk across Lough Fea today to go to O'Bannion's and get me a pint and a wee dram and I nearly drowned" says Pat

"Oh aye?" says Granny

"Why would that be, Granny?" asks Pat

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Their birthdays are in December, this is July" answers Granny

 

 

[Kiwidave4]

A woman has a problem with her wardrobe door in the bedroom. Every time a bus passes outside the house, the door of the wardrobe would fall off.

She called a repairman to try and fix the problem.

The repairman arrives, and sees that indeed the door did fall off every time a bus passed by.

"Okay!" said the repairman, "I'm going to step inside the wardrobe, you close the door behind me, and I'll see if I can detect what the

problem is," and he gets into the wardrobe.

The wife closes the door behind him.

At this point the husband arrives home and hears his wife in the bedroom talking to somebody.

He rushes upstairs, and opens the wardrobe door, sees the repairman, and shouts, "What the hell are you doing in there?"

The repairman meekly replies, "Believe it or not, I'm waiting for the bus!"

 

[Bullbasket]

Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch. Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp." Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one." Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I want to be the best golfer ever." The surprised genie said, "You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay. Now your wife gets one wish." Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, "I want a million dollars every week of my life." The genie said, "Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I've been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan." Dylan said, "No way!" The genie replied, "Not even for a million dollars a week?" Dylan turned to his wife, who said, "I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves." Dylan said, "Okay, have fun, I guess," and left. Dylan's wife then proceeded to have wild sex for the rest of the day with the genie. When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was. She said, "Forty-five." The Genie laughed and said, "Isn't he a little old to be believing in genies?"

 

[Kiwidave4]

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.

The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time.

Some three years later, Andy was recognised as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens in the community and he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening.

Andy was a model inmate.

Then one day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, but he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top.

So he called Andy into his office and asked him if he could do the job.

To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.

"But you're an expert, Andy, and I really need your help," said the warden.

"Gosh, warden, I'd really like to help you ..........

....but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

[Admiral Puff]

OMG, they're getting WORSE!!

[Kiwidave4]

The class of 1950 gets together for their class reunion.

Not many people are left, but two of the 10 people to attend were Harry, an 88 year old widower, and Esther, an 87 year old divorcee.

Over the course of the evening, they had a great time chatting about old times and their families.

They each felt a real connection and by the time the night was out, Harry had proposed and Esther has happily accepted.

The next morning, Harry woke up and was frustrated to realize that he couldn't remember Esther's answer to his proposal.

Embarrassed, he picks up the phone to call her.

"Hello, Esther? I'm so sorry, but my memory isn't what it used to be. Last night, when I asked you to marry me, did you say yes or no?"

"I said YES!" Esther exclaimed excitedly. "And I'm so glad that you called, because for the life of me I couldn't remember who asked!"

[Kiwidave4]

 

A bloke was sitting at the side of the road crying his eyes out, his dead hamster in his hands. A fairy godmother asked him what the matter was.

He said, “I loved my pet hamster and it just died ”.

The fairy godmother said, “Well I can’t bring it back to life, but I can suggest that you can make some good of the situation”.

The bloke asked, “How do I do that ?”

The fairy godmother replied, “Go home put the hamster in a pan and add a bag of sugar. Heat the pan up stirring well and simmer for an hour.

Allow to cool, pour it onto your garden and see what happens”.

The bloke did exactly as she suggested. The next day, he went into the garden and there were masses of daffodils everywhere!

He ran back to the road where he’d seen the fairy godmother and she reappeared and asked the bloke how he’d got on.

He said, “It’s fantastic, there are daffodils everywhere!”

The fairy godmother look puzzled and said, “That’s really strange, you normally get tulips from hamster jam!.......