Long (ish) Jokes.

[Spookytooth]

I brought the Mother-In-Law some crotchless Knickers the other day.

Nothing sexual you understand, it`s just so she can get a better grip on her broomstick......

 

Simon.

[Ray_W]

The current discussion on the Lancaster BII performance reminded me of a joke told to me by an ex-RAAF pilot who flew heavies in WW2. Please bear with me if I give you some context.

 

Being the young know it all Sales Executive for our manufacturing operation, I was attending a trade exhibition and went on to the stand of one of our major customers. This older gentlemen came up and starting talking to me. I thought, what a brilliant salesman for their company and I wondered what his position was, maybe a State Rep or Branch Manager. I asked the innocent question "What is your role?". His response "Let me tell you a joke."

 

A guy goes into a pet shop and says "How much for the parrot?"

The pet shop owner says "200 Quid".

Guy says "What 200 quid for a parrot? You must be joking!"

Shop Owner "Sir, you must understand this parrot does not only just say "Hello Cocky" you can have a fluent conversation with him"

Guy "A little out of my budget, what about this one, looks OK, but not as colourful as the first one?"

Shop Owner "500 quid."

Guy "What!?"

Shop Owner "Fluent in two languages - English and German"

Guy "Impressive, but way beyond my budget. What about that old one down the end with no feathers?"

Shop Owner "1,000 quid"

Guy "What!! I suppose he is fluent in half a dozen languages?"

Shop Owner "Doesn't speak any languages it's just that the other two call him Chairman"

 

The gentlemen I was speaking to was Chairman and major owner of the Group. I knew the name but it was our first meeting. We became good friends after my embarrassing start.

 

Ray

 

 

 

[pigsty]

 A man is driving along in the States when a policeman pulls him over.

"Licence and registration, please, sir," says the bluebottle.

"Don't have a licence," he replies.  "The court took it off me for my last drink-driving rap."

"Right.  How 'bout that registration?"

"Well, no, cause this ain't m'car.  In fact, I stole it.  Hadda shoot the woman who owned it, too, 'fore she'd let go of the keys.  Gotta be straight with ya, she's in the trunk - I'm just on m'way to bury her.  The gun's here in the glove compartment if you want a look."

Mr Plod, who's not very experienced, steps back sharpish and gets on the blower for back-up.  A few minutes later another policeman shows up.

"Stand back, son, I'll handle this," he says.  "Licence and registration please, sir."

The driver hands him both.

"Okay ... now, sir, you mind if I take a look in the trunk?"

"Be mah guest."

He looks; there's nothing in there but a jack and a spare wheel.

"I hear tell there's a gun in your glove compartment."

"Don't think so, officer - you take a look, I'll keep my hands on the wheel."

There's nothing in there but a few slightly furry mints.

"Well, sir," says copper no.2, "I declare, I'm confused.  My colleague here was quite sure - you got no licence and no registration, and you got a gun in your car and a dead woman in your trunk."

"And I'll bet he told ya I was speeding, too, didn't he?"

[pigsty]

An elderly man is wheeling a trolley through the supermarket.  In the front is a small child, making an unholy racket.  They pass a woman, who overhears the man.

"It's alright, George, we're nearly done," he says.

A few minutes later she encounters them again.  This time the child is clawing open a packet of crisps and throwing them at the elderly man.  She overhears him again.

"Patience, George - nearly there."

Two aisles over, and there they are again.  The child is now howling and kicking the elderly man, while rubbing snot into his jumper.  Once more she overhears him.

"Not long now, George.  We're nearly out of here."

Near the checkouts she runs into them again.  Now the child is throwing money out of the elderly man's wallet and swearing picturesquely at other shoppers.  She can't help hearing him again.

"Soon be at the car, George, soon be time to go home.  Just need to stick it out a little longer."

On the way out, she can't help herself.  She goes up to the elderly man, excuses herself for butting in, and congratulates him on his patience with his grandson George.  "I've never seen anyone deal so calmly with this sort of thing," she tells him.

"Well, thank you, miss," he replies.  "But I'm George.  This little sod is called Kevin."

[Bullbasket]

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

[Kiwidave4]

A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, in part because the car had almost 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to her hairdresser.

The hairdresser told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal".

"That doesn't matter", replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car".

"Okay", said the brunette, "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'.

Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car".

The following week, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

Next time the blonde was having her hair done the hairdresser asked,  "Did you sell your car?"

"No", replied the blonde, "I decided to keep it as it has only done 50,000 miles!"

[Spookytooth]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have a friend around your age who's an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'." Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "It's obvious somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly..."

 

Simon.

[Ratch]

Everyone seems in such a hurry to cry 'racism' these days....

Yesterday a customer asked "In what aisle do I find Irish sausages?"

The assistant asks "Are you Irish, sir?"

The guy, clearly offended, says "Yes I am, but let me ask you, if I'd asked for Italian sausages, would you ask I was Italian? Or if I'd asked for Bratwurst would you ask me if I was German? If I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask if I was Jewish? Or if I asked for a Chorizo, would you ask if I was Spanish? Or if I asked for Keilbasa sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant replied "No, I probably wouldn't."

The chap replies "Well then, just because I ask for Irish sausages, why do you ask me if I am Irish?"

The assistant responds "Because you're in Halfords!"

Edited November 12, 2020 by Ratch
spelling

[Black Knight]

Are we gonna do 'Irishman' jokes?

Are we? Are we?  

 

An armed and masked bandit goes into a bank.

He hands a note over to a teller.

The note says 'put all the money in the bag or you'll get both barrels of the shotgun'

The teller looks at the man and says 'You're Irish, aren't you?

The bandit says 'yes, how did you know?'

The teller replies ' you're supposed to saw off the other end of the shotgun!'

[Black Knight]

Paddy and Mick were two honest hard working Irish labourers

(no! thats not the joke!)

They were unemployed so they decided to go west to that big Irish colony across the big sea to see if they could find work

When they arrived they ended up in the mid-West.

They saw a road construction company and enquired for jobs

'We're taking electricity to lots of rural places. We need the poles erected for the power lines. Can you two do that?'

'Of course we can!' replies Mick 

Actually they couldn't but no good Irishman ever admits he can't do a job.

The manager drove them out into the country and up a very rural road. He showed them a pile of wood electricity poles.

He told them 'Get as many of those as you can erected within the week. You'll live here in that cabin over there. At the end of the week I'll be back to pay you and see how you've done'

At the end of the week the manager returns. He pays them then asks 'How many poles did you get done?

'50' says Paddy

'50! Only 50!' says the manager. 'That other team down the road did 200'

'aye' says Mick, 'but did you see how much they left sticking out of the ground?!'

[Black Knight]

Every year, on March 20th, Joe would go into his local pub.

He always bought 3 shots of Ireland's finest whiskey

When they were served he always lifted one glass, turned to his right, held the glass up, looked to the ceiling and then downed the amber nectar in one.

Then he lifted the second glass, turned to the left, held up the glass, looked to the ceiling, then downed the water-of-life in one.

Then he took the third glass in his hand, moved it to the right, then the left, looked down to the floor then downed the nectar of the gods in one

This went on for many years and no-one ever asked him what he was doing because Joe was a big man and never liked gossip.

 

Then one year the old bar owner says to Joe 'Joe, all these long years I've watched you do this wee jig. Before I die I'd like to know what it is you are doing'

Joe tells him 'Many years ago my two brothers emigrated. The older, Pat, went to Amerikee and the younger, Mickey, went to Auztrayleria. We agreed on parting that on March 20th every year we would go into the pub nearest and raise a glass and drink each other's health. When I turn to the right I'm turning to Amerikee and to Pat, when I look upwards I'm sending a wee prayer for to keep him safe and well. Then I turn to the left, to Mickey in Auztrayleria and I say a wee prayer for him too. Then its my turn,  I thank my brothers for their thoughts, I say a prayer for myself and tip the final glass'

 

This went on for another couple of years, then one day Joe ordered only two whiskeys

The bar keep says quietly to Joe 'only two this year Joe? I hope it does not mean bad news'

'No' says Joe ' I'm off the drink for Lent this year'

 

 

 

The doctor told me I'm only allowed one whiskey a week.

I'm up to 7th July 2067 so far

[GordonD]

Since we've started the Irish jokes...

 

Paddy got a job painting the white lines in the middle of the road. On his first day he managed to do a mile, which the foreman thought was fine for a beginner. On the second day, he could only do half a mile but the foreman decided to give him more time to settle in. On the third day he could only do quarter of a mile and by the end of the week he was only managing a hundred yards.

 

The foreman called him into the site hut. "I'm sorry, Paddy, but I'm going to have to let you go. You started off so well but every day you've managed less and less. We have a deadline to meet and at the rate you're going we're not going to meet it. Only a hundred yards when at the start you did a whole mile!"

 

Paddy replied, "Ah, but Boss, just think how far away me bucket of paint was by Friday!"

[Kiwidave4]

My uncle was in a race across Europe. He was in first place for a while and got to the edge of the Baltic Sea where he saw some sailboats beached by the water.

He might have been a little too presumptive when he was pulling a boat to the edge of the sea. The boat's owner came over to him.

He was an old Estonian and didn't seem to speak much English.

Uncle said, "I need to borrow this to win a race. Can you tell me where the wind can take me?"

The owner looked at the boat, shrugged and said, "Helsinki".

My uncle grinned and gave him some money and dragged the boat to the water and sailed off.

His closest challenger saw what my uncle had done and went up to the boat owner.

"I also need one of your boats", he said.

The owner looked at the remaining boats, pointed to one and said, "He'll floaty". 

[GordonD]

After losing his job painting lines on the roads, Paddy found work with the Forestry Commission. They sent him off to cut down trees but on his first day he only managed four. Again, he was given a chance to improve but at the end of the week he was still only managing about a tenth of what other workers were achieving. So he got the sack from that one too and when he was called in to the manager's office the boss gave him his P45 then as per procedure checked his returned equipment to make sure it was in good order ready to be issued to Paddy's replacement.

 

When the boss pulled the start cord on the chainsaw, Paddy jumped a foot in the air and shouted, "Bejabers, what's that noise?"

[-Ian-]

A Man goes into a baker's shop and asks for two bread rolls. The shopkeeper picks up two rolls with a pair of tongs and puts them in a paper bag.

The man then asks for two cakes. Again, the shopkeeper picks them up with the tongs and puts them in the bag.

The man says, "It’s nice to see, that you don’t manhandle the food".

The shopkeeper says, "Sir, nothing in my shop is handled by human hands.”

The man then noticed a piece of string, hanging from the shopkeeper's trousers and asks:

"What’s that piece of string for?”

The shopkeeper says, "Well, that's for when I need to pee. I pull on the string and my old boy just pops out.”

"Great idea," says the man, “but, pray, tell me how you put it back in”

“That’s not a problem”, says the shopkeeper…

"I just use the tongs"

[bentwaters81tfw]

A golfing story.

 

A  Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'  The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

 

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

 

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.  The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

 

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

 

 

 

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

 

 

 

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

 

 

 

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world.

 And he will be ten times richer than you.'

 

 

 

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

 

 

 

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

 

 

 

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a  mild  heart attack.'

 

 

 

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

 

 

 

Attention female readers:  This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

 

 

 

Male readers:

Please scroll down.

 

 

 

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...

 

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

 

 

 

Moral of the story:  Women are really dumb but think they're really  smart.

 

 

 

 

 

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

 

 

 

PS:  If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen ...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

[Bullbasket]

They know where you live!

[John_W]

Mum gets a call from school:

"Your son hasn't been doing his online lessons"

"No, cos he's suspended"

"Suspended?"

"Yes, he came to class with skinny jeans, a stud in his nose and a shaved haircut, so I suspended him"

"How does all that that stop him learning?"

" you tell me, cos that's what you bleedin suspended him for last year"

[Silenoz]

An English professor told this story:

You know that book "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example from two of my students, Rebecca and Gary.

Today we will experiment with THE TANDEM STORY . The process is simple. Each male will pair off with a female. One of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on, back and forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

 

Rebecca starts:

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

 

Gary:

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far ..." but before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

 

Rebecca:

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

 

Gary:

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 185 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

 

Rebecca:

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

 

Gary:

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

 

Rebecca:

poopchute.

 

Gary:

Bitch.

 

The professor gave them both an A+

[Circloy]

On 21/01/2021 at 17:58, John_W said:

Mum gets a call from school:

"Your son hasn't been doing his online lessons"

"No, cos he's suspended"

"Suspended?"

"Yes, he came to class with skinny jeans, a stud in his nose and a shaved haircut, so I suspended him"

"How does all that that stop him learning?"

" you tell me, cos that's what you bleedin suspended him for last year"

Brilliant - I might even remember that one

 

[RAF4EVER]

Found this on PPRuNe:

 

One for tomorrow...

...... Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain o the puddin race,

Aboon them a ye take yer place,

Painch, tripe or thairm,

As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat an we can eat,

So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,

O the panic in thy breasty,

Thou needna start awa sae hastie,

Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"





No, said the consultant


It's the Serious Burns Unit

 

🙂

 

[stevehnz]

Two guys were playing a round of golf. As they finished one hole & headed for the Tee on the next hole, one of them realised he'd left his jacket back at the previous Tee. Hang on a tick he said to his mate, I'll just run back & get it. As he did so, he noticed two women about to Tee off on the previous hole. Suddenly he stopped & turning around, headed back toward where his mate was waiting. "Hell, he said, that could have been awkward, that was my wife & my mistress back there" "Blimey says his mate, that could have ended badly, no problem, I'll shoot back & get it for you" but like the first player, he got half way to the previous Tee & also turned around & retraced his steps. Reaching his mate he looked somewhat flustered & said "Small world isn't it?"

Steve.  

[-Ian-]

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Yorkshire. The proud Yorkshireman showed him around. "Here is where I keep my sheep. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.

 

The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.

 

"Yes," the Yorkshireman said proudly. "This is all mine!"

 

"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.

 

"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"

 

"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"

 

"Oh, yes," replied the Yorkshireman, "I used to have a car like that."

[Ray_W]

Three painters are having lunch on the Sydney Harbour Bridge:

Max opens his lunch and swears "Twenty years I've been on this bridge and every day my wife has given me the same lunch, I've had enough! If I get the same tomorrow, that's it, I'm jumping! Comes to Bruce "I can't believe it, Look at this? The same again. If it happens again, I am joining you". Comes to Fred who opens his lunch, rolls his eyes and says "Same again! I'll join you both!".

 

Lunch the next day arrives:

Max " I told you, look at this, enough!" Off he jumps. Comes to Bruce "I can't believe it! Enough is enough!" Off he jumps. The last is Fred "The same again!" and off he jumps.  

 

The three wives are at the funeral. Max's wife says, "I thought he liked what I gave him, he never really complained". Bruce's wife says "I did the same and always included a nice I love you message, he just had to say he wanted a change". Fred's wife is standing a little to the side shaking her head "I really don't understand, He always packed his own lunch."

 

Substitute you own nationalities and cuisines.

[Circloy]

Barnsley lad's whippet dies so he goes to local foundry for a cast memorial statue.

 

"I've lost mi dog, i'm lookin' for a memorial, here's a few photo's what can tha du f'mi?"

 

"Well we're best around we can do you a life size casting were good at 'em" replies foundry owner who then shows him a few they'd done earlier.

 

"Them's alreight", whippet owner replies. "One like that'll do. How much?"

 

Foundry owner replies it all depends on which metal it's cast from and starts running through the options when they get to gold Barnsley lad says "That'll do,  he won a few races, he deserves it, How much?"

 

"It depends, do you want it eighteen carrot?" asks the foundry owner.

 

"Nay lad it wern't vegetarian or owt funny like, eatin' a bone 'll do"

 

 

Edited February 23, 2021 by Circloy
gerrin wurds in reyt order