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  • 3 weeks later...

A discussion on 'viking' archers reminded me of this joke.

 

Harold Godwinson and his army arrive on the south coast of England and prepare to fight the invading Normans,

As the troops assemble in their shield wall a tall huscarl carrying a spear comes forward and says to Harold

' My father, and his father before him have fought beside the kings. I claim the right to fight at your side.'

'Let me see how good you are' says Harold

'See this apple' says the huscarl. 

He throws the apple high in the air, then follows it with his spear

When they land the apple is pierced right in the centre by the spear point

'You shall fight at my left hand' says Harold

 

Then a Thegn comes to Harold and says.

'My father, and his father and his father before him have fought beside the kings. I claim the right to fight at your side.'

'Let me see how good you are' says Harold

'See this apple' says the Thegn

He throws the apple high in the air, then draws his sword

As the apple comes down the Thegn slices the apple neatly into four parts.

'You shall fight at my right hand' says Harold

 

Then an ancient looking old man carrying a bow and arrows comes before Harold

'My father, and his father and his father before him and all my fathers before them have fought beside the kings. I claim the right to fight at your side.'

'Let me see how good you are' says Harold

'See this apple' says the old man

He throws the apple high in the air, then draws his bow and looses an arrow after it.

The arrow misses the apple and hits a passing crow

The old man throws another apple into the air, draws his bow, looses another arrow, which misses the apple and hits a horse in the rump

The old man throws another apple into the air, draws his bow, looses another arrow, which misses the apple and hits a huscarl in the buttock.

Harold looks at the man. Turning to his leading Thegn Harold says.

'Keep that bluddy old fool away from me. He'll have someone's eye out with his arrows!'

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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

 

Simon.

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  • 2 weeks later...

This one, courtesy of Steven Fry, so apologies to any Norwich FC supporters.

A man goes to visit a friend who he hasn't seen for a while. While they're talking, he notices that the friend has a large parrot sitting in a cage. The radio is on and an announcer begins to read out the football results.

"Norwich 2 Crystal Palace 3".

The parrot starts making a groaning noise and repeats over and over again "Oh no, Oh no".

"I'm sorry" says the friend, "but he does this every time that Norwich loses".

"Really?" says the man. "What does he do if they win?"

"I don't know" says the friend. "I've only had him four years".

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Similarly:

 

Man in the pub with his dog. The football results come on. "Liverpool 2, Manchester United nil."

 

The dog barks excitedly and gets up on its hind legs and dances.

 

"That's amazing," says the barman. "What does he do when Liverpool lose?"

 

"Oh, he turns a somersault!"

 

"Why does he do that?" asks the barman.

 

"Because I give him a boot up the backside!"

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  • 2 months later...

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

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  • 2 weeks later...

Warning! A rather (self made) naughty one. Moderators feel free to erase, after you stop laughing I hope.

 

An unexpected flight incident could rekindle the fight between DC Comics and Marvel

Here is what our reporters at SHN (Super Heroes News) have just found out :

 

Susan : We have just received a report about the rather unusual flight incident that happened yesterday at Palm Beach

Tim : The one involving Superman?

Susan : Yes. As you already know, he was taking some vacation but being the superhero he is, he couldn’t resist making a low oversight pass along the coast to look for the safety of bathers.

Tim : That’s just like him, always on the breach, even in breeches

Susan : Ha, ha. Yes, well, that’s when he lost control and crashed. But as we could expect he got out unscathed.

Tim : Previsible but still a relief.  But I can’t believe it. What could possibly affect such a superhero so much as to lose flight control!

Susan : It seems that Black Widow was on site at the time

Tim : Black Widow ! Come on, she can’t possibly do something to Superman !

Susan : Right, Tim. But we could get the testimony of some onlookers and determine the time and place of the malfunction what confirms she probably is at its origin.

Tim : You make me really curious, Susan ! What happened?

Susan: The FAA is still inquiring but the preliminary reports aim at a sudden and unexpected extension of his gear.

Tim: How did she do that?

Susan : She did nothing special, she just waved at him when taking an integral sunbath.

Tim : An int … ??? But certainly Superman wouldn’t ..... with the enemy !

Susan : Oh, I’m sure he wouldn’t but it seems that we now have raw evidence that he’d strongly like to.

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An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. 
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. 
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. 
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. 
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all me life is completely gone! It's a miracle." 
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,...... "Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit!"
 

Cheers,

 

Nigel

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There's another version of that:

 

An Australian, an Irishman and a Cornishman are in a bar. 
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. 
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. 
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. 
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Cornishman's hand, thanking him for the bitter. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Bliddy hell, the bad back I've had all me life is completely gone! Tis a miracle!" 

Then Jesus shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the Foster's.  Nothing happens.  The Aussie looks at him, puzzled.  "Sorry," says Jesus, "that's it for miracles.  But drinking that stuff reminds me - you've got a terrible bladder infection."

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6 hours ago, Tzulscha said:

'Fosters'

It's Australian for 'Budweiser.'

 

awBoLy4_460s.jpg


 

To be fair, I have done plenty of business trips to both Australia and the US and they have some pretty decent beer these days.

 

Cheers,

 

Nigel

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Two men are arguing about who can find the most difficult way of doing things. After 5 minutes of tooing and froing, one of them finally says, "OK What's the most difficult way you've made love to a woman?" "Easy", says the other one. "In a hammock". "That's not difficult", replies the first one. "I've done that". "What" says his friend. "Standing up?"

 

John.

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A group of South Carolina Hell's Angels bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge.

 

In curiosity they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man in his early fifties, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and speaks to her, noting that she was quite a stunner.

 

"Hey Baby... whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"


Tearfully she replies, "I'm going to commit suicide!"

 

While he didn't want to appear 'insensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he thought for a second. He came up with an idea.

 

"Well, before you jump, Honey Babe, why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

 

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that. And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another, even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper.

 

"Wow!" he exclaimed, stunned. "That was the best kiss I ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sweet Cheeks. Why... you could be famous if you rode with me. But, tell me, why in heaven's name are you committing suicide?"

 

She looked at him earnestly. "Oh George, my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

Edited by Truro Model Builder
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An unexpected flight incident could rekindle the fight between DC Comics and Marvel (Part II)

Further developments to watch at SHN :

 

Tim : Hello, Susan. Any news from Superman or Black Widow ?

Susan : Alas no. They can’t be found anywhere. Even if, as could be expected, this UFO became viral very fast and we’d like to have their reactions

Tim : UFO?

Susan : Unrestrained Flying Object

Tim : There certainly is some heating up between fans on the Net.

Susan : Oh yes. Putting aside what’s offensive to the parties, you find anything from « Supercrash or supercrush ? », « Superman vs Superbwoman » to « Love is in the air, until it all goes down »

Tim : I heard that Superman’s lawyer requested a restraining order ?

Susan : Right, Black Widow shouldn’t approach him nearer than a 100 miles

Tim : A 100 miles ! This is going far.

Susan : Certainly not, taking the super vision into account

Tim : Anything fresh from the FAA?

Susan: They recommend to install a « Bitching Betty » to warn Superman of any overload and a failsafe between the optical and hydraulic systems.

Tim: Could we get some comments from the teammates of Superman and Black Widow ?

Susan : We’re working on it but already have two interesting reactions. From Spiderman : » I'm quite sure Black Widow had no intention of catching him in her web » and, would you believe it, from our colleague Loïs Lane herself»

Tim : Great ! What did she have to say ?

Susan : « I still believe he is the nicest guy on Earth, but yes he tends to react too fast and  too rigidly sometimes while going over certain subjects ».

 

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A very pregnant woman was travelling on a on a bus when she noticed the young man opposite her was smiling at her. She felt slightly uncomfortable, so she moved. Then the young man's smile turned into a grin. She moved again, and the man burst out laughing. She moved once more and thee young man was howling with laughter, with tears streaming down his face..

By now the woman felt very uncomfortable so she complained to the driver. The Police were called and the man was arrested for breach of the peace.

When the case reached court, the chief magistrate asked the man what he had to say for himself.

He replied "Well, sir, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself. But when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident”, I just totally lost it!"

The case was dismissed.....

 

Simon.

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Woman gets on a crowded bus. Nobody gets up to give her a seat (the age of chivalry is over) so she asks a well-dressed man, "Would you mind giving a pregnant woman a seat?" He apologises and immediately stands up.

 

After she has sat down he thinks that she doesn't look as if she's expecting, so he says to her, "If you don't mind me asking, how long have you been pregnant?"

 

She replies, "About fifteen minutes, but my knees are still shaking!"

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A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

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While I recognize that this is not 'PC' I couldn't not share.

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the hell the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side,he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again.”Is it going to be a very cold winter?” he asked.

“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied,”it’s going to be a very cold winter.”

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It looks like it’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”

“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy”.

 

Simon.

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Three young boys were talking and one says "My dad smokes and he blows the smoke out of his nose"

"That is nothing" said the second boy, "My Dad smokes too, and he blows the smoke out through his ears"

"My dad smokes as well" said the third boy "And he blows out through his backside"!!!!!

"How do you know"said the first two boys.

"I`ve seen the nicotine stains in his underpants"!!!!!

 

 

Simon.

 

Edited by Spookytooth
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