Long (ish) Jokes.

[nheather]

A Dublin man sees a sign outside a Kerry farmhouse:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story!"

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the Garda.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world drug lords, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Dublin airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the Kerryman how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying git. He's never been out of the garden!"

 

 

Cheers,

 

Nigel

[GordonD]

With regard to the above:

• British people tell Irish jokes.
• Irish people tell Kerry jokes
• Kerry people tell jokes about the inhabitants of a small island just off the coast (the one, in fact, that Father Ted's Craggy Island is based on)

It saddens me that the people who live on this island have nobody to tell derogatory jokes about. So I'm sending them a photo of our illustrious leader Mike.

[bentwaters81tfw]

1 hour ago, GordonD said:

• It saddens me that the people who live on this island have nobody to tell derogatory jokes about. So I'm sending them a photo of our illustrious leader Mike.

It was nice knowing you, Gordon.

[GordonD]

1 minute ago, bentwaters81tfw said:

It was nice knowing you, Gordon.

Yes, I'll see you all once my ban is up!

[jenko]

On 3/9/2020 at 12:11 PM, bentwaters81tfw said:

It was nice knowing you, Gordon.

 

 

Gordon who ??  

Edited March 10, 2020 by jenko

[Bullbasket]

This isn't so much a joke, more an approximation of something that happened. When I used to work on the oil refineries in the Thames Estuary in the 80's and 90's, we had radios so that we could communicate with the control room when we were out on the units. Supervisors and managers also used them, and on day, one of the managers was trying to call up one of the supervisors who was out on one of the plants. It went something like this. "Dick to crude unit one. Come in Ed". No response. He tried several more times until a flustered supervisor came on the radio. "Who's calling me?" And the reply came back "It's Dick Ed". Guess what his nickname was after that!

 

John.

[Kiwidave4]

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them.

They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.

No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place - two rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment.

Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, potbellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location. It was suspended in mid-air by wires attached to the ceiling beams.

"Fascinating", said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb".

"Nonsense!",  replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin".

"With all due respect", interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries".

The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue.

When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy potbellied stove from the ceiling.

"Well", he said, "I had plenty of wire, but not much stove pipe."

[Kiwidave4]

 

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily in Toronto. However the lady was not very proficient in English,

which was not a problem at home as her husband was a fluent Russian speaker. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. 

The first time she went to the butcher to buy chicken legs she didn't know how to make her request. In desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs. 

The next time she needed to get chicken breasts. Again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse.

The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts. 

The next time she wanted a leg of lamb, so she got down on all fours, made a 'baa' sound and pointed to her leg. The butcher realised straight away what she wanted.

Then she needed to get sausages. She thought long and hard about how she could describe sausages, and then realised that the best way would be to take her husband with her.

 

 

After all he spoke English.

 

 

 

[stevehnz]

Among my other deviations is an interest in ships & the sea, living on a sea port with overseas vessels calling in as a youngster kindled that & although the vessels are bigger, they're a lot less fascinating & accessible, so I content myself with dropping in on Shipsnostalgia.com from time to time, some real salty old sea dogs over there. I saw this in the thread today & enjoyed it enough to share it here. The thread was about the provenence of a ships bell with marconi marks on it.

Steve.

 

The Great Clapper Caper

Friday: This is the city. Los Angeles California.
Some people rob for pleasure.
Some rob because its there. You never know.
My names Friday, I’m a cop.
I was working the day watch, on a robbery, when I got a call from the Acme School Bell Company. There’s been a robbery.
Man: There’s been a robbery.
Friday: Yes Sir, what is it?
Man: My clappers.
Friday: Your clappers?
Man: Yea, you know those things inside a bell that makes them clang.
Friday: The clangers.
Man: That’s right, but we call them clappers in the business.
Friday: A clapper caper.
Man: What’s that?
Friday: Nothing Sir. Now can I have the facts?
What kind of clappers was stolen on this capper?
Man: They were copper clappers.
Friday: And where were they kept?
Man: In the closet.
Friday: U huh. You have any ideas, who might have taken the copper clappers from the closet?
Man: Well, once fired a man and he swore he’d get even.
Friday: What was his name?
Man: Claude Cooper.
Friday: You think he…….
Man That’s right ! That’s right! I think Claude Copper copped my copper clappers, kept in a closet.
Friday: Do you know where this Claude Cooper is from?
Man: Yea, Cleveland.
Friday: That figures that figures.
Man: What make it worse, they were clean.
Friday: Clean copper clappers?
Man: That’s right.
Friday: Why do you think Cleveland’s Claude Cooper, would cop your clean copper clappers kept in your closet?
Man: Only one reason.
Friday: And what’s that?
Man: He’s a kleptomaniac.
Friday: Who first discovered that the copper clappers were copped?
Man: My cleaning woman, Clara Clifford.
Friday: That figures, now let me see if I have the facts straight here.
Cleaning woman Clara Clifford discovered your clean copper clappers, kept in a closet, were copped by Claude Cooper the kleptomaniac from Cleveland. Now is that about it?
Man: One other thing.
Friday: What’s that?
Man: If ever I catch kleptomaniac Claude Cooper from Cleveland, who copped my clean copper clappers that were kept in a closet.
Friday: Yes?
Man: I’ll clobber him.

 

[Bullbasket]

Good job she wasn't clearly claustrophobic. Thanks Steve. It gave me a chuckle.

 

John.

[Admiral Puff]

Reminds me of the late Ronnie Barker's spoonerised version of Cinderalla (called, not surprisingly, "Rindercella"...). Some very funny stuff - all delivered with a perfectly straight face!

[Admiral Puff]

The reputation of some places spreads around the world - this is doing the rounds down here at the moment:

 

In the UK, some supermarkets have admitted that there is horse meat in their home cooked burgers.

Even places like Burger King have had to admit that there are "small amounts" of horse meat in their burgers.

Tesco is a big supermarket chain in the UK. Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers'

contained 30% horse meat, these quips hit the Internet:

 

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse. I guess Tesco just listened!

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?

Not entirely sure how Tesco is going to get over this hurdle.

Had some burgers from Tesco for supper last night. I still have a bit between my teeth.

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is listed as stable.

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn.

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer .. "AND THEY'RE OFF!"

Tesco is now forced to deny the presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.

I said to my spouse, "These Tesco burgers give me the trots...

"To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian".....

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, "Why the long face?” Cow says "Illegal ingredients are coming over here stealing our jobs!"

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead horse.

Since they're selling the meat wrapped in plastic, is that technically a "Trojan Horse?"

Instead of choosing "rare, medium or well done, it's now Win, Place or Show"

At first, I thought, "Oh great, I've been saddled with another email to forward, but something spurred me on."

[593jones]

Stolen from another forum.

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.' 

 2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.' 

 3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!' 

 4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.' 
 
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??' 

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.' 
 
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! 
 
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.' 

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. ' 
 
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.' 

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.' 
 
12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

[Dave Swindell]

Brian Johnston 1976 England vs Windies Oval test:- The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey...

[JosephLalor]

On 3/28/2020 at 10:39 PM, Admiral Puff said:

The reputation of some places spreads around the world - this is doing the rounds down here at the moment:

 

In the UK, some supermarkets have admitted that there is horse meat in their home cooked burgers.

Even places like Burger King have had to admit that there are "small amounts" of horse meat in their burgers.

Tesco is a big supermarket chain in the UK. Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers'

contained 30% horse meat, these quips hit the Internet:

 

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse. I guess Tesco just listened!

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?

Not entirely sure how Tesco is going to get over this hurdle.

Had some burgers from Tesco for supper last night. I still have a bit between my teeth.

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is listed as stable.

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn.

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer .. "AND THEY'RE OFF!"

Tesco is now forced to deny the presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.

I said to my spouse, "These Tesco burgers give me the trots...

"To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian".....

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, "Why the long face?” Cow says "Illegal ingredients are coming over here stealing our jobs!"

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead horse.

Since they're selling the meat wrapped in plastic, is that technically a "Trojan Horse?"

Instead of choosing "rare, medium or well done, it's now Win, Place or Show"

At first, I thought, "Oh great, I've been saddled with another email to forward, but something spurred me on."

Good stuff.  I'm sure I wasn't the only one to come up with a gag about people finding seahorse in their fish fingers.

[GordonD]

On 4/1/2020 at 3:02 PM, Dave Swindell said:

Brian Johnston 1976 England vs Windies Oval test:- The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey...

Then of course the time Ian Botham played a shot which left him off balance and he tried unsuccessfully to step over the wicket to avoid knocking it down. Jonathan Agnew quipped that he had failed to get his leg over, which reduced Jonners to helpless laughter.

[Spookytooth]

An old lady went to the store to buy some food for her dog. Upon reaching the check-out, the clerk told her,

"I'm sorry ma'am, but the store manager heard that many old ladies on limited incomes buy dog food and eat it themselves. We now have a policy - if you want to buy dog food, you have to show us your dog."

Annoyed, the lady went home, got her faithful Fido, and returned to the store, where they sold her the dog food without question.

The next day, she returned to the store to buy cat food. Again, she's reproached by the cashier:

"I'm sorry ma'am, but the store manager heard that many old ladies on limited incomes buy cat food and eat it themselves. We now have a policy - if you want to buy cat food, you have to show us your cat."

Frustrated, the woman stormed home, retrieved her precious fluffy and returned to the store, where she was sold her cat food without further incident.

The next day, the woman returned to the store and strode right up to the cashier with a box in her hand.

"Put your hand in this box," she told the puzzled clerk.

"What's in it?" the clerk asked.

"Just put your hand in here," the lady said.

"No, there's probably something in there that will bite me."

"Nothing will bite you, I promise."

Reluctantly, the clerk put her hand in the box, felt the contents, pulled them out to examine them and let out a scream.

Smiling, the old lady asked "Now, may I please buy some toilet paper?"

 

 

Simon.

[Kiwidave4]

Mummy," asks Susie, "why do you always cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?"

"Oh, that's just the way my mother always did it. You'll have to ask her."

"Granny," ask Susie the next time her grandmother visited, "Why do you and Mummy cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?"

"Oh, that's just the way my mother always did it," says Susie's granny. "You'll have to ask her."

So the next time the family visited her slightly senile great grandmother at the nursing home Susie asked, "Why do you and Granny and Mummy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the pan?"

"Oh, no," says Great Granny, "are they still using that stupid little frying pan?"

 

[Spookytooth]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse over her very noticeable cleavage... "I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."

 

Simon.

[Spookytooth]

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This is kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink- plink in the toilet; and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."

"Uh-huh"

"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."

"You're simply going through the change"

 

Simon.

[Black Knight]

A woman was up in front of the magistrate for shop lifting.

As she was a kleptomaniac she was well known to the judge

'What was it this time Mrs Jones?' asked the judge

'A tin of peaches' she replied

'How many peaches are in a tin? asks the judge

'6, I think' says Mrs Jones

'You'll go to jail for 6 nights, one night for each peach' sentences the judge

 

Just then Mr Jones decides to speak up

'Excuse me Mr Judge your honour. . . . . . . On the way here this morning she stole two tins of peas'

 

 

3 men were sentenced to death.

Their final days arrived early in December.

When asked the Frenchman replied he wanted Boeuf bourguignon with wine for his final meal.

The morning after  his final meal the Frenchman was taken out and shot

The German asked for Bratwurst and beer

The next morning he was taken out and shot.

When the Englishman was asked he said he wanted a big dish of strawberries and Devon cream

'Strawberries!' said the prison governor 'Where are we going to get strawberries in the middle of December? They're out of season!'

'I can wait' said the Englishman

[Black Knight]

A Scot, an Englishman and an Irish man were serving in Nelson's Navy

As sailors then did they broke some naval regulations

They were each sentenced to 200 lashes.

On the day they were to get their lashes the Englishman went first. The doctor in charge told him 'This is going to be very painful, what do you want on your back to ease the wounds?

'Just slather on goose grease' said the Englishman

The man took his punishment and was carried to the sick bay to recover.

 

The Scot was next.

When he was asked the same question he replied

'Naethin. I'm a true Scot. I dinna need annathing'

He took his punishment and managed to walk away and down to the sick bay

 

Next was the Irishman

'What do want on your back' he was asked.

The Irishman quickly replied

'The big Scotsman!'

[Black Knight]

This one was told to me by an old RAF fighter pilot.

 

A US pilot was shot down in an air battle over the Pacific.

He took to the silk and managed to land on the beach of a small dot of an island.

The islanders gathered him up and took him to their village

The next day he was taken to the islanders chief.

Through his short time there the pilot had noticed that these islanders were cannibals.

When he was presented to the chief the chief declared he was suitable for their feast that evening

The pilot tried to bargain for his life; money, lots of money would be paid for him. What use of money for the islanders? The US would send teachers and doctors, no need for them says the chief.

Then the chief says 'show us some white-man magic and you can live'

The pilot had noticed that the village women had to strike flints to light fires so he says to the chief 'I have fire in my pocket at the command of my fingers'

'Show us'

So the pilot gets out his zippo lighter, holds it up, flicks it open and instantly there is a flame.

All the villagers are amazed and gasp out

The chief says 'that is indeed magic, you may live'

Then the chief's number 1 son speaks up 'but dad, we've seen zippo lighters before'

The chief replies 'Yes, but not one that works first time!'

[Tzulscha]

On 27/03/2020 at 04:55, stevehnz said:

Among my other deviations is an interest in ships & the sea, living on a sea port with overseas vessels calling in as a youngster kindled that & although the vessels are bigger, they're a lot less fascinating & accessible, so I content myself with dropping in on Shipsnostalgia.com from time to time, some real salty old sea dogs over there. I saw this in the thread today & enjoyed it enough to share it here. The thread was about the provenence of a ships bell with marconi marks on it.

Steve.

Ah Mr Steve, have you heard the original?

 

 

[Tzulscha]

Speaking of Johnny Carson.

Some of the sketches  were very funny indeed.

Some of you might remember Jay Silverheels who played the Lone Rangers faithful sidekick Tonto.