Long (ish) Jokes.

[stevehnz]

A play on words to this poem, if you didn't know it as I didn't, I got my googlefu cranked up, then it'll go over the top. Having read the poem, I now get it & think its quite clever.

Steve.

[CedB]

Ah, that's culture that is… no wonder I didn't get it  

[Kiwidave4]

John, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over the country were

coming to his town to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. 
This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman

told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. 
They talked much about the rightness and wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.
So in a few minutes he returned.
"My wife says it's okay." he said. "It will be my pleasure to paint your portrait in the nude, but I will have to at least leave my socks on, so I have a place to wipe my brushes."

[Tzulscha]

A tired young doctor got off a night shift at the hospital and stopped into a bar called "Dick's" across the street for a drink.

"Hey what can I get you?" asked Dick.

"How about a daiquiri?"

The bartender makes a drink and slides it down the bar.

He takes a sip and loves it. "Whoa that's great. What's your secret?"

"A little bit of almond extract. Gives it a little something extra."

The two hit it off and a lifelong friendship develops.

One night the doctor enters and like clockwork the bartender goes to make his favorite drink only to realize that all the almond extract is gone.

Thinking on his feet he substitutes it with a little hickory flavouring he has on hand.

The doctor takes a sip. A little confused, he takes another...

"Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?"

"No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

 

 

In a similar vein;

 

Hickory dickory dock

Two mice ran up the clock

The clock struck one

And the other escaped with minor bruises and contusions.

[Tzulscha]

I recently went out for brunch at a fancy restaurant close to where I live. 

Since it was a Sunday brunch, I ordered Eggs Benedict. 

When the waiter brought our food, I noticed that, instead of porcelain, my plate was shiny and silvery. 

I asked the waiter about it, and he said, "Yes, it's made out of chrome". 

Puzzled, I asked why, to which he replied: "There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise".

 

 

 

Igor and Svetlana, a married couple living in Soviet-era Russia, are out for a walk one winter's evening when a nasty winter mix starts to fall on them. They take shelter in a doorway for a moment, and Igor says "Tell me, my darling, do you think we should call this rain, or snow?" Svetlana answers "Surely, my dear, it is rain?" "Ah, but is not frozen rain snow?" "Yes, but then again..."
Just at this point, Rudolf, a senior figure in the local Communist Party, walks by and the couple ask him his opinion on this weighty matter.

"It is rain."  He pronounces, "This is the official stance of the Party." and continues on his way. 
Igor is still not convinced by this and continues to argue. To which Svetlana replies:

"Look, Rudolf the red knows rain, dear". 

[Spookytooth]

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...

 

Simon.

[Tzulscha]

An extremely rich and famous German sports star was carving up the roads one afternoon in a brand new Porsche.

Passing on the right, speeding everywhere, he takes a blind corner at speed and plows into the back of a Trabant, sending them both spiraling into a ditch.

Both cars are demolished. The sports star hops out of the twisted wreckage of his Porsche, to see an elderly man climbing out of the Trabant with a jubilant smile on his face.

The sports star asks the gentleman if he’s okay, if he’s in shock. The gentleman raises his arms and says “No! This is fantastic! Let’s celebrate! We’re both alive!”

He opens what’s left of his Trabant’s door to see a box of Cuban cigars. “What a miracle! Such an impact, and my treasured cigars are okay! Let’s light them and celebrate our good luck!”

So the sports star and the gentleman light up, and smoke their cigars.

The gentleman looks back inside, and sees his vintage bottle of Scotch and two glasses, and pulls them out. “A toast to us! Such a horrific accident and we made it through without a scratch!”

He pours two very tall glasses of Scotch, and hands one to the sports star.

They clink their glasses, and the sports star downs his. He looks at the gentleman, standing there with a still-full glass.

“Aren’t you having any?” he asks the gentleman.

“Oh no, I'll wait until the police arrive.”

[Tzulscha]

A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. 

He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there, sonny?”

The young man replies, “A 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. They cost about a quarter of a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man, shocked. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do over 200 miles an hour!” states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, “Can I take a look inside?” “Sure,” replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right!”

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 220 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly something flashes past him! “What the hell was that?!” the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him! Zip! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!

“Couldn’t be,” thinks the guy. “How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!” Again, he sees a fast approaching dot in his rear view mirror!

Bam! The moped plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!!

 He runs up to the old man and says,

“Tell me how that thing could possibly be faster than my Ferrari!”

The old man looks up and replies, “OK..., but first, unhook my braces from your side-view mirror, will ya?”

[Tzulscha]

So a penguin is driving his car in the desert.

All of sudden his car breaks down. Luckily, he’s pretty close to gas station.

So he waddles behind his car and pushes it to the gas station.

He asks the mechanic to take a look and find the problem. Mechanic tells him to come back in 30 minutes.

So the penguin is getting hot being in the desert and all, and decides to find something to cool him off.

He goes in the convenience store and buys a vanilla cornetto.  Finally he goes back to the mechanic to find out the problem.

Mechanic says,” Looks like you blew a seal.”

To which the penguin replies, “No, no. It’s just a little ice cream.”

[Selwyn]

A free fall parachutist jumps  and as he gets to the release height pulls the ripcord, but nothing happens.

Carrying out his emergency drills  he then pulls the his reserve chute rip cord. Again nothing happens,  and he is left plummeting towards the ground at terminal velocity.

He is just mentally preparing himself for the inevitable when he sees a man in the air below him who to his amazement is actually flying up towards him!

 

As the man gets closer  he shouts at him in desperation;

 

"Excuse me do you know anything about parachutes?"

 

"No!"  the man shouts back;

 

"Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

 

Selwyn

[Alex Gordon]

Ah,the Gas Man Cometh,his buddies used to call him Pop...

[stever219]

Donald Trump was invited to.  be guest speaker at an international multi-faith religious conference.  After having him faffing and blethering on about his hotels, wealth and golf courses for 40 minutes the organisers foolishly invite comment and questions from the audience.  After a few moments a well-dresssed and obviously well educated lady at the front stands, looks Tru

mp in the eye and says "You, sir, are the kind of person who gives morons a bad name."  Trump looks back at her and says" Madam, I'm not a moron, I'm as Catholic as the Chief Rabbi of Jerusalem."

[GordonD]

Boris Johnson walks into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Miss, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"
Johnson: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, the Prime Minister.
Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Johnson: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Johnson, "Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."
"Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"
Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Johnson. ?....

[Silenoz]

During a robbery in Guangzhou, China, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you."

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): "Big brother, let's count how much we got."

The older robber rebutted and said: "You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: "Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.

This is called "Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."

This is called "Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained: "We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.

This is called "Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!

So who are the real robbers here?

[Silenoz]

Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in a Facebook group?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jackasses.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.

249 to post meme's and gif's (several are of someone eating popcorn with the words added, “I’m just here for the comments.”)

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

12 to post F.

8 to ask what F means.

16 to post 'Following' but there's 3 dots at the top right that means you don't have to.

3 to say "can't share"

2 to reply "can't share from a closed group"

36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.

15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.

6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.

50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

[Bigdave22014]

From my brief and limited experience of FaceAche, after the first post about lightbulb/light bulb it should only be around another 6 posts before someone is called a Nazi for daring to have a different view....

[Admiral Puff]

11 hours ago, Silenoz said:

During a robbery in Guangzhou, China, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you."

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): "Big brother, let's count how much we got."

The older robber rebutted and said: "You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: "Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.

This is called "Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."

This is called "Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained: "We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.

This is called "Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!

So who are the real robbers here?

The government, as always ...

[Silenoz]

We have a winner...

[Spookytooth]

Captain Kirk goes to the sick bay and sees Dr McCoy.

"Bones, I need to talk to you"

"Go ahead Jim, we will chat in the office."

"What`s the problem Jim?"

"I keep on getting these strange thoughts in my head about the green green grass at home, and Delilah"

Bones scratches his head and says "Jim, it`s Tom Jones Syndrome"

"Is it rare" asks Jim.

"Well, it`s not unusual" replied Bones.

 

Simon. 

[Aardvark]

On 9/17/2019 at 1:47 PM, Silenoz said:

During a robbery in Guangzhou, China, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you."

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): "Big brother, let's count how much we got."

The older robber rebutted and said: "You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: "Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.

This is called "Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."

This is called "Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained: "We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.

This is called "Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!

So who are the real robbers here?

I sent this joke to a familiar banker.  Now they are conducting an internal investigation and are looking for someone who divulged their internal instruction, "What should a bank employee do if his bank is robbed!?"

On 9/17/2019 at 6:24 PM, Silenoz said:

Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in a Facebook group?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jackasses.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.

249 to post meme's and gif's (several are of someone eating popcorn with the words added, “I’m just here for the comments.”)

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

12 to post F.

8 to ask what F means.

16 to post 'Following' but there's 3 dots at the top right that means you don't have to.

3 to say "can't share"

2 to reply "can't share from a closed group"

36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.

15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.

6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.

50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

There was such a stupid anecdote in the USSR.  How does one nationality (I do not indicate nationality for reasons of correctness) twists a bulb? One takes the light bulb, the rest take 

him and rotate him in the direction in which the light bulb is unscrewed! 

And how to screw in a light bulb?

One takes the light bulb, the rest take him and rotate in the direction in which the light bulb is twisted!

 

B.R.

Serge

[Silenoz]

that last joke is one the Dutch make about the Belgians... they call us stupid/morons, we call them cheap... always a fun evening telling jokes, they start, and we fill the rest of the evening 😉.  Despite this we all get along

 

So I've brought your friend to some ideas, do I get 10% fee when it works out?

Edited September 24, 2019 by Silenoz

[CedB]

Some of these are a bit rude, but a great collection of 'incorrect English' on BoredPanda.com  

[nheather]

Why men don’t make good agony aunts:

 

Geoff: Dear Brian, I’m at a loss, I don’t what to do, I hope you can help me.  Last Tuesday I set off to work as normal, I’d had only gone about a mile when the car spluttered and came to a stop and no matter what I tried I could not get it to start.  I realised I had left my phone at home so I decided to walk back to my house to call into work and let them know.  When I got into the house I heard giggling coming from upstairs.  Thinking that was strange,I walked to the stairs and noticed a trail of clothing up the stairs.  Very odd, so I followed them to the master bedroom.  The door was closed but I could hear grunts and screams coming from inside.  I slowly opened the door a bit and peered inside and there was my wife, all kitted out in her sexiest lingerie riding on top of my neighbour.  I was devastated, I thought we were happily married, never any complaints, I thought she loved me, never a sign that anything was wrong until then.  And the neighbour, I thought we were mates.  I am distraught, I have no idea what to do, can you help, do you have any advice.?

 

 

Brian: Well Geoff, sounds like water on the electrics to me, trying spraying the spark plugs with WD40.

 

Cheers,

 

Nigel

[Black Knight]

A small boy is walking down the street when a car slows down near him. A middle aged man rolls down the window and says:

- I will give you £10 to get in the car.

The boy just waves his hand and keeps walking. The man pulls over again and says:

- I will give you £20 and a packet of sweets

The boy just mutters something to himself and keeps on walking. The man pulls over again and says:

- Ok, this is my last offer. I will give you £30 and all the sweets you can eat.

The boys finally replies:

'You bought that Yugo, you can drive in it. I would rather walk then be seen with you in that car, dad.'

[EwenS]

Sounds familiar. A few years ago my wife had a Skoda Citygo as a courtesy car for a few days while her Yeti was off the road. Daughter was not happy being seen in it! Didn’t go quite as far as walking home though!!